I currently have eighteen drafted tweets right now that are sitting there, waiting to be tweeted, waiting to be ignored. I’ve had upwards of fifty at some points, so I’m honestly proud of myself today. I apparently think that Twitter cares what I tweet and also when I tweet, so I save things I think are funny for “prime-time”. Mind you, my average favorite count is 0.2. My “prime-time” is whenever my friend Colby is on Twitter because we share a similar sense of humor and she’ll always give me a favorite in times of desperation. I thank her for that. I also use my draft folder for jokes I’m pretty sure are funny, but I want to make sure are funny once I’ve had my coffee. So, we’re going to take a glance into my draft folder, and therefore, take a glance into my twisted mind. I’ll show you my top ten, the rest are kind of bullshit.
None of these things are funny.
1. “There’s a store called The Geea”
No, really, that’s all this draft says. Why did I save it? I’m almost positive this was attempting to be a joke about a store near my apartment called “The Great Indoors” which I thought wonderfully coincided with my personal beliefs. Then I thought that maybe it would give off the vibe that I never leave my apartment, which is true, and is obviously apparent based on the frequency with which I tweet, but I mean, there could be potential suitors out there who love an outdoorsy girl. Why am I trying to impress these suitors? Because I’m lonely.
2. “I can’t be the only one who looks through my own tweets to remember how funny I am.”
Yes, I absolutely can be.
3. “PRO TIP (Just 4 GuYz): When trying to impress girls, lighting a cigarette will instantly polarize any potential matches. #WestwardHoes”
Okay, this was when my friend Kathy and I were driving cross country to LA and we stopped in Vegas and pretty much every douche and bimbo ages 19-39 was also in Vegas on this night. The hashtag is actual genius, but I can’t take credit for it, unfortunately, so the only redeeming part of this tweet was not actually written by me. I seem to remember this tweet being much more pointed at some point, but again, didn’t want to scare any potential suitors off who may be smokers. Again, I’m lonely.
4. “PRO TIP: When in Vegas, be a person that only likes to have one drink and also is afraid of gambling. It will buy you your first home.”
So, in retrospect, this one is KIND OF FUNNY. I would have gotten like two favorites on it. But, alas, didn’t strike while the iron was hot. Also, apparently I’m really into this PRO TIP format for tweets. I guess it’s kind of funny, but for real, my material is awfully weak. Also, the first part of this tweet alludes to when Kath and I were getting a drink at a bar and were watching these four girls and five guys (sorry boys) talking to each other. There was, ironically, one girl left out of the conversation. No one liked her. Not even her friends. It was so entertaining. They were all wasted, though, I’m pretty sure, because about thirty minutes into being there, the bitchy girl with no friends or potential dates truly just dropped her drink off the bar and the glass shattered and she and all of her friends literally did NOTHING. Like they didn’t even glance up, she didn’t acknowledge it. It was honestly the weirdest thing I’ve ever experienced. She was even stepping on broken glass with her ugly ass chunky heels as if she didn’t notice there was essentially a child’s sea glass collection under her feet that she, herself, created. Reason number 438 that I’m glad I don’t drink a lot.
5. “At this production of Hair, and if I’m honest, the real stars of the show are the people who absolutely did not know what this show was.”
Only funny among my gay friends and those who know the musical Hair well.
6. “The only thing that could prevent wars would be if water that’s been in your car for a day wasn’t”
Again, another unfinished tweet, thank god. I was in my car that usually has like four bottles of water at one time and obviously they were all warm since they just sit there. It destroys my day. I don’t know, I thought a joke was in there somewhere. You’re welcome for not finding it.
7. “Y’all, I wasn’t even a little ready for this “Ted” section of the #OpeningCeremony.#Sochi2014″
Okay, this is probably the best one in there because of why I drafted it. The Sochi Opening Ceremonies were my second favorite live-tweeting event ever, after The Sound of Music Live, of course. I was doing really well live tweeting and getting some positive feedback. (Yes, that is the single saddest sentence ever written.) But, this show was on delay. YES, I CAN DRAFT JOKES BEFORE ANYONE EVEN KNOWS WHAT’S HAPPENING. So, I looked online and there was apparently like a giant bear of some kind that came out for one second and it was super creepy and I thought this tweet would be a pure delight. SO, being the fucking worst person on the planet there ever was, I drafted this tweet, just waiting for the perfect moment. Well, I missed it, as in I’m not even sure there was a giant bear in the opening ceremony, so here this tweet sits. It’s so fucking dumb how much I care about Twitter. Don’t worry, I’ve never done this for an event ever again.
8. “We get it, YouTube musicians. You can play broken chord”
Again, unfinished, but this one is so fucking pretentious I hate myself for ever thinking it was funny. Also, why was I watching YouTube musicians with such frequency that I thought everyone else also was and would maybe think this tweet is funny? Also, it’s kind of bullshit that we have an actual type of musician called a “YouTube” musician now.
9. “Hey guys, @seventhbrand has an amazing tweet coming up for us, keep an eye out and RT to show your support!”
This is me just being a dick.
10. “Don’t be pretentious, McDonald’s just say “A Lot of Hamburgers Served”.”
This is my oldest draft and I am so proud to say that I’ve never tweeted it. It is definitely not funny and it’s also definitely not topical which are the two like main requirements of Twitter in my opinion.
So, there ya go! The single longest plug for a Twitter account there’s ever been!