My friends and I are walking, talking advertisements for the app GroupMe. We should get a minimum 90% commission on whatever money they make because we send no fewer than 150 texts to each other every single day. EVERY DAY. You know how adults think kids are horrible people because they won’t get off their phones or won’t pick up the phone to actually speak to their friends? We are those kids. Today alone, I have sent a Facebook photo I deemed disgusting, a YouTube video I promised to use in a testimony were someone ever put on trial for pedophilia, and I personally attacked my best friend for not leaving his room, though I, myself, had not seen the sun in 20+ hours. We are a loving group to say the least.

If anyone saw any of these texts, we would immediately be sent to a church camp to atone for our sins.

We don’t care.

Here’s the real beauty of GroupMe: Not only does it not clog up my actual text messages, because they are separate notifications, but it also lets you NAME things.

Oh boy, this is the best part. I will absolutely never reveal who holds which name in this group, which is entitled WING NIGHT, since that is how we were brought together–$0.60 wings at Buffalo Wild Wings. By the way, we worked ourselves up to free carrots, celery, ranch, and even valentines. Yes, I still hold my SuperMan valentine from our favorite server Jeremy.

Here are just some of the names we’ve given ourselves. I’m also including some names that are not members of the group, but absolutely should be.

Honey BBQT

Wing of Fire

Sauce Ass Bitch

Wing: Based on the Novel Chicken by Buffalo

wind beneath by WINGS

We 3 Wings of Asian Zing Are

Celery Duff


Lord of the Wings

Hidden Valley Ranch

Kroger Ranch

HP and the Order of the Asian Zing

Buffalo Nickel, Ranch Dressing, Inc.

let freedom WING

Winging on a Prayer

How Do I Get You a Wing

First Wings First

Bring Your Sauce to Work Day

Variations on a Wing

Three-Toed Sauce

Sauce Boss


Matthew Roberts


You decide which ones are real. ; )


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