Reasons I like going to the movies alone:
1. I go early and sit on my phone so that everyone around me is freaked out and wonders if I will be on my phone during the entire movie.
2. I get to see who else has chosen to see a movie alone.
- 2a. I get to see if this individual is a man or a woman.
- 2b. I get to see if this individual happens to be a man.
- 2c. I get to see if this individual happens to be a man who wears a wedding ring.
3. I sit far enough away from anyone else in the theatre that I do not have to smell anyone else’s smell.
4. I get a full two cup holders to myself and use them both, even if I have no items with me. I just put my hands in there, as suggested by the American Cup Holder Association (ACHA™).
5. I laugh and cry at the previews, which I ordinarily would not do in order to keep the illusion that I am a strong, powerful woman who also happens to have no personal emotions.
6. I feign confidence and wear sweatpants, no make-up, and glasses in order to present the ideal that I am in fact better than you because I am at this movie alone.
- 6a. It has recently been brought to my attention that this may seem as though I have suffered a loss of some kind whether it be romantic or the like.
- 6b. I also look like that would never happen, so JOKES ON YOU.
7. I shush those around me who choose to talk during the movie because I am not with another human soul whom I care about.
8. I get matinee prices, because, of course, this movie I am seeing alone is at 10 in the morning.
9. When the trailer for the new Transformers movie comes on, I am allowed to crack a smile.
10. When the trailer for the new inspirational musician movie comes on, I am allow to weep with the fury of a thousand suns.
11. I eat my entire bag of popcorn before the movie even starts because I do not have to save face and pretend as though I’ve had a rule my entire life that we don’t eat the popcorn until the actual movie starts. That’s bullshit. If you do that, it’s dumb, eat your damn treat.
12. When someone spills his or her popcorn or his or her drink, I am allowed to show genuine concern because this individual does not know me as a sarcastic bitch yet.
- 12a. If this is indeed a “his” popcorn/drink situation, I then can start “on the right foot”, as they say.
- 12b. If this is unfortunately a “her” popcorn/drink situation, I then can laugh because women are clumsy and dumb, myself included.
13. I receive the jealous looks of men and women there with their significant others who clearly do not want to be there with their significant other.
14. I can put one of the armrests up, should I choose, (due to legal ownership laws, see #4) in order to create a couch-like environment.
15. If I have chosen not to get any popcorn, soda, or candy, I am allowed to silently judge all who are eating like Fatty Fatso’s, because I, on that day, am a confident woman who treats her body as a temple.
16. I am allowed to fully place myself in the shoes of a character and therefore feel as though I have gone to the theatre and left with a steady relationship that has already faced its greatest challenge.
17. I am allowed to spell it “theatre” with no judgements.
18. I am allowed to spell it “theater” with no judgements.
19. I am allowed to try to find a husband.