Laundry (Cont.)

Here’s the thing, though, I have never in my entire adult life (because my Mom did my laundry for me until I left for college–sad to some, incredible for me) sorted my laundry before I got to the laundry room. So there I am with enough clothes to fill a really small, personal store and they are all wadded up and whites are mixed with darks which are mixed with colors. I do my clothes laundry in three loads–whites, darks, and colors. This does not include my towels and my sheets which also have to be washed, but that’s usually on a separate day because I do not ever need to spend four hours on a menial task such as laundry.

 

So, there I am in my complex’s laundry room, which is not air conditioned but does have a horrifying looking window that no longer has the screen because someone probably punched it out in a fit of rage, with a giant pile of laundry that needs sorting, a roll of quarters, and also, I’m wearing pajamas. Why, you ask? Well, because, I want everything possible to be clean that I would potentially wear out in public, so I choose my least attractive ensemble and wear that during my laundry escapade.

 

Once all of my clothes are sorted, I pour in my detergent (and throw in a Color Catcher–Shout, feel free to sponsor me!) and close the lid of the washer. It is at this time that I realize that each load of laundry costs $1.50 per wash. I could honestly save forty orphans with the money I have to waste on doing laundry. They weren’t too greedy, though, because each dry is only $1.25, so maybe I’ll get a $0.49 burrito from Taco Bell tonight if I’m lucky. I grab twelve quarters from my roll and dejectedly put them into the machines and press start. Ah, thirty minutes to do whatever I damn well please. Well, I don’t know if anyone has realized this, but thirty minutes is not enough time to do much of anything. I usually like to use the time I’m doing my laundry to do other household chores like clean my room, bathroom, and kitchen, but at about the 20 minute mark, I’m still trying to get that damn towelette out of the Clorox wipes canister. Then it’s time to go move my laundry into the dryers. I am absolutely the person that is there the second that my clothes are done in the washer. For one thing, I don’t want any of the colors running together, and another thing, if anyone else touched my laundry that I didn’t know, I would freak. So, there I am, as the buzzer goes off on the washers–I throw a couple of dryer sheets into the dryers and, of course, realize that this dryer’s previous lessee was not kind enough to clean out the lint trap. In go my clothes and out goes my life savings. Forty-five minutes to get more shit done.

 

Well, I don’t know if anyone has realized this, but forty-five minutes is actually enough time to get things done, but since I’ve figured out that thirty minutes is not enough time, I’ve convinced myself that forty-five minutes isn’t either, so I waste that time. Ah, one more episode of “Homeland” can’t hurt, right? Time to grab the clothes from the dryer. If you haven’t realized, I am quite the control freak, so I absolutely cannot not fold my clothes the second they come out of the dryer. So, since I only have the mesh bag and no other real will to live, I make a conscious decision to fold my clothes right there in that dank laundry room, which, as previously stated, may be a medieval torture chamber. I fold and fold and fold until all eighty or so items are crisp and clean and now it’s time to transfer them back to my closet–a feat that takes no fewer than two trips to and from the laundry room each week.

 

But, my laundry is done now, my bank account is overdraft, and my mesh bag is as sad and lifeless as ever. Until next week, commercial washers and dryers.

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Greenpeace, you’re bad at your job.

I went grocery shopping today. It had been about two weeks and I was doing my best to live off of what I had still in the apartment since I went to Ralph’s last week and spent a huge amount of money even though it seemed like I bought the same amount of stuff. So I went to my beloved Trader Joe’s. I seriously love Trader Joe’s. In a way that is neither healthy nor rational. No, they don’t have everything I need or want, but they have most of what I want and it’s cheap and it’s tasty. So, I was flying pretty high. I got my beloved shaved brussels sprouts and Two Buck Chuck and I was ready to head home, put everything in the fridge or freezer and make myself some good ole lunch.

 

I pay, get my bags into my cart, and head to the door. That’s when I see them. Two unassuming women who are quite literally barricading the way to my car. In order to understand just how much of an obstacle they were creating, you have to understand that this is a small Trader Joe’s with an even smaller parking lot that is long, not wide, so I definitely could not avoid these women. One of the women was engaged in conversation with another woman so it was just me and this younger woman, probably about 26 or so. I am not one to shy away from conversation, so I responded to her, and also I genuinely feel bad for people who have to sit outside and try to talk to people and people are always rude and just blow them off. So, she approaches me, asks my name, gives me hers (Which is Jordan, in case you’re reading, Greenpeace. Burbank, CA Trader Joe’s around 12:30), and simply asks “Hey, do you like animals?”. Yep, I do, and I tell her so–that warranted me a high five so I was pretty excited about this conversation at this point. She tells me she is from Greenpeace, asks if I’ve heard of them, and then dares to ask if I like Greenpeace. It was very clear that if I said I didn’t like Greenpeace, she would quickly go on the defensive. This is not to say that I don’t like Greenpeace, or even that I do, but asking if I like her organization should not be relevant to this conversation. She goes into detail about how we only have 17% of the world’s rainforest today (see, I was listening) and how corporations like Nestle are constantly depleting the rainforest more and more every year. Then she asks me, “Do you believe in the power of people?” and I say yes because I do and also mostly because I knew that’s what she wanted to hear. I got another high five. Here’s where we take a little turn. She says, “Awesome, so did people like Martin Luther King, Jr. and Gandhi, so we’re in good company!” Uh, Jordan, honey, while I kind of understand what you mean by this, you and I are not Martin Luther King, Jr. or Gandhi and any saleswoman comparing herself to either of those men might want to start a little smaller. Just in general, she was asking me to act in a very personal way but asking using tactics on a really large scale. Nothing was really adding up. She tells me that in order to keep rainforest deforestation at bay, she and like minded people need to band together to stop this. We’re at about three minutes into the conversation at this point (Maybe shorten up that pitch, Greenpeace) and she tells me that I need to join Greenpeace in order to make a difference. Look, I’m going to be honest and say I had no plans to join Greenpeace at the start of this conversation, but I was not opposed to it. Now I am. I did not in any way appreciate her pushy nature–you’ll notice I mention I’ve spoken about twice in this conversation at this point and we’re about three minutes in. If you want to start a conversation about saving the rainforest, maybe don’t make it one-sided. So we’re at the end of her pitch and it’s her time to ask if I’ll officially join Greenpeace–something I was expecting, but my response did not get the response I had ever expected.

I say to Jordan, “I really appreciate you talking with me, but I think I’ll pass at this point in time. I’m happy to look into it further, though, and get some more information. I really have to get my groceries home, now, though.” I felt I was fair, non-threatening, and clear in my decision not to join Greenpeace at this point.

Jordan responds, “Well, that’s the thing, we can’t even wait two seconds for you to join since the rainforest is being destroyed right at this minute. If you wait to join, it really won’t be effective.”

I’m sorry, what? I responded with something along the lines of I will take the time to educate myself about this issue and make a more educated decision about if Greenpeace is an organization I feel my time and talents could help. She was essentially shaming me for not being able to sign up right at that second. Also, she was basically telling me I was a bad person if I joined at a later time because that means I would be personally responsible for the parts of the rainforest destroyed in the time it took me to make a confident and well-thought out decision.

I was so mad. Not only that this woman I’d just met was shaming me, but that even I could have sold someone on Greenpeace better than this woman. I simply said, “Well, I’m sorry, but I just can’t commit to it right now.” and walked away.

 

Hey, Greenpeace, everything you stand for and the abridged version of what you do is great, but your tactics aren’t. If you’re really trying to make an impact on the world, start a conversation, do not force people into a decision that is made with such little information that you promote the ignorance of your members and those trying to persuade me to become a member. If I had become a member of Greenpeace, I would easily be the least informed member of Greenpeace, and what really gets me is that I fear that Jordan, and the other woman there, along with hundreds of other Greenpeace members became members after short conversations like mine without researching for themselves the real issues that Greenpeace is trying to confront or for what they stand.

You have the power to educate, Greenpeace, and instead you chose to shame and lecture me. Count me out next time you want to talk.

The Bachelorette Recap: The Final Rose

It’s finally over. And I hate the new couple, but we’ll get to that later. Let it be known I’m only recapping the actual Bachelorette finale, not After the Final Rose, because writing a recap for three full hours of television is simply too much for a girl.

So, let’s go.

 

Only a minute and a half of recap this week. Andi’s voice over the past few weeks is amazing and she describes both of the guys as “great”. Woo, what a burning passion she seems to have for them. We’re done with the recap and then all of a sudden we’re in a studio with a live studio audience and Chris Harrison is welcoming us to the live television event of the summer. Well, I’ll be the judge of that.

Chris Harrison instantly tells us that one man is heartbroken and has made several attempts to talk to Andi since she broke it off with him, but she wouldn’t see him in Mexico, she wouldn’t see him at The Men Tell All, but now she has to see him. Seems like a dumb choice to see your ex for the first time on live TV, but if you haven’t guessed already, I don’t really believe Andi has any other agenda other than being on TV for as long as possible and getting as much money out of this situation as she can. But I digress, I’m sure my true feelings will come through pretty clearly in the rest of this write up.

 

We’re back from commercial and Andi says this is the first week where she “doesn’t know what could happen”. There are two choices for men and there are two choices for whichever man she chooses. She may not know what’s going to happen, but I mean, she could probably make an educated guess. Nick is up first to meet Andi’s family. He walks in and is so nervous which Andi’s family picks up on immediately and they all instantly fall silent and share disappointed looks. For Andi’s mom, Nick brings flowers, for Andi’s dad, Nick brings booze, for Andi’s sister and brother-in-law, Nick brings half-hearted hugs and a disingenuous smile. Nick’s dad, I should mention at this point, is probably Joe Pesci. I mean, probably. Nick thanks the family for having him, though, they’re in the Dominican Republic, so like thank the locals, Nick, but they could not be less interested in him as a human. His mom keeps talking about how their body language doesn’t exactly broadcast “love” but that could be because he’s nervous. Nick heads off to talk with Andi’s mom, though, and bears his soul. Her mom keeps saying that she’s getting emotional because she can now apparently tell that Nick really is in love with her, but it mostly looks like she forgot to take an anti-histamine. We are all quickly learning that it does not take much to sway the Dorfmans in any particular direction. Now Nick is off to talk with Andi’s dad, or Joe Pesci. It is honestly a pretty uncomfortable situation, including when Andi’s dad says that he “feels the same way about Andi as Nick does”. Uhhhh, let’s hope it’s a little different. But, being the easily swayed Dorfmans that they are, Nick gets her dad’s blessing to propose should the occasion arise. Time for a commercial. Wait, we’re only twelve minutes into this episode? Good god, how long is this going to take?

 

We’re back and Andi is in maxi dress #2 of nine this episode. Josh’s turn to meet the fam. He walks in a feigns confidence, but Andi’s sharp shooting dad says that Josh is so obviously nervous and sweaty. Andi’s mom just calls Josh “loud”, which is laser accuracy and then she also talks about how sweaty he is. Could they do nothing about the lack of AC in the DR? Basically they all sit there and discuss how Andi and Josh are perfect together on paper. They might be perfect on paper, but Andi tells her sister that she came on The Bachelorette to “branch out and find a different type of guy”. Yep, network television seems like the perfect place to find a different type of guy. Josh takes Andi’s dad to the side and asks for his blessing in such a long drawn out speech and, of course, Joe Pesci says yes. I’ve only now realized that this man’s name is Hy. We end this segment by the family all coming together again and Andi asking “So, how much do you guys hate Josh”? Amazing.

 

We’re back from commercial, and I kid you not there is a headline on the news ticker on the bottom of my television simply titled “Bachelor in Paradise Naughtiness Revealed”. Oh god, I’d almost forgotten that Bachelor in Paradise premieres August 4th. Anyway, it’s time for Josh’s date with just Andi, and they get on a yacht. Not really much to say about this date. Josh never stops talking, which is normal, and Andi sits there and frowns and plays with her hair. At one point, though, apparently Andi is scaring Josh because of her deep breaths. Thank god he’s just a disgruntled former baseball player and not a physician. Before I know it, another commercial break has come and gone and we’re onto the night portion of Josh’s date. Josh apparently has no concerns or questions for Andi and basically just won’t stop talking about how confident he is in their relationship. Ugh. I have not believed a single word out of that man’s mouth since week one, but luckily I’m not dating him, so whatever. Now it’s time for the gift part of their date and Josh writes Andi a note, though this one is on plain white paper, so he is obviously not the writer of the mystery note from last week that was written on looseleaf. Josh gives Andi a personalized baseball card which sounds cute, but is really just another excuse to bring up baseball. At this point, both of their heads are just horizontal and they’re staring at each other and Andi is simply drunk. We cut back to the studio audience at the end of the date and everyone is clapping a little half-heartedly. Or maybe I just want it to be half-hearted. I’m often on the wrong side of The Bachelor/Bachelorette debates, but come on, there have to be others out there who think Josh needs to shut up and get off television and be a genuine person for once.

 

We’re back and it’s time for Nick’s day date. Nick walks up to Andi and he is only blue and I have named him “Blueberry”. Nick doesn’t wear a seatbelt in their Jeep ride and then all of a sudden they’re in a live action Jungle Book. Truly nothing exciting about this date, but the two of them were getting bored without anything getting in their way while they make out so Andi holds her braid away from her head as they make out. Now it’s nighttime and Nick is again wearing a Pac Sun color block shirt that makes anyone instantly look like they’re headed for a day at LegoLand. It is honestly the world’s quietest date and there is little to no eye contact made. They eventually get talking, though, and Nick takes Andi through a day in their life if they were to live in Chicago. It’s honestly so sweet. I’ve been able to conceal my love for Nick pretty well so far, but if I’m fully disclosing my hatred for Josh, I have to admit my love for Nick. Mind you, Nick and Andi together would have never worked, but him describing a potential day in their future is so cute. It’s gift time! I was watching with my friend and she instantly says that The Bachelorette just ends up being Craft Wars. I burst out laughing. It’s true. Andi has gotten a fairy tale book, a homemade baseball card, and now a homemade necklace that has the sand from the beach where Nick told Andi he loved her. UGH. HE’S SUCH A GOOD GUY BUT ANDI IS NOT TERRIBLE BUT SHE’S ALSO NOT GREAT.

 

We come back from break and we get to see both guys look off their balconies and tell the world that they’re proposing to Andi today. Josh gets to move around a ton, though, because one minutes he’s at the balcony, then he’s sitting in a patch of grass, then he’s leaning against a tree, then he’s sitting down with Neil Lane telling him that Andi is a strong woman and that’s what he finds sexy about her. We cut back to Nick and hear a knock at the door expecting Neil Lane to be carrying his jewelry case, but no, it’s Andi. Uh, oh, this can’t be good. Commercial break.

We return to the studio audience and literally no one is confident that this is good news for Nick. I have to agree. We waste about eight minutes talking to people who have been on the show before but honestly I couldn’t care less what they think about the situation–WHAT IS ANDI SAYING TO NICK?!

We finally get back to Andi and Nick and Nick lets Andi in his room and it is so clear that he knows what is happening. He reacts so genuinely. Not a ton of fake tears, but he seems pissed, as he should be. He even asks Andi if this is about them or if this is about someone else. That makes it so clear that he really thought they were in a relationship and was focused on them. But, I digress, I know no one is here to read my analysis of Nick’s thoughts, especially when they’re not funny at all.

 

So, Nick is gone. Josh proposes to Andi. Andi says yes. Mind you, Josh has about a thirty minute speech that could potentially be in iambic pentameter or is a bad free style rap. Either way, none of it seems genuine and it is so obviously rehearsed. Andi’s response to him is equally over the top and disingenuous.

 

They call each other “Babe” for the remaining five minutes and I vomit about seven times and then we’re done. Eh, maybe they’ll stay together, but I honestly just don’t care.

 

Bye, Bachelorette, see ya next Summer! In the meantime, I guess I’ll settle for BACHELOR IN PARADISE PREMIERING AUGUST 4TH.

Today

I had one of those days that made me feel like a human. I had a full schedule from lunch until well past dinner which sounds awful to some, but is actually a dream come true for me. There’s nothing more I prefer than being busy and earning a good night’s sleep at the end of the day.

 

So, here I am, not particularly funny in this moment, ready to go to bed having accomplished quite a bit today, which I’ll get to later, and mostly all I can think about is how I have my next two days of blogging planned out.

Tomorrow night is obviously a recap of the finale of The Bachelorette which is good for me because I love writing those recaps more than most things and then Tuesday I get to finish my laundry story which I’m excited about too, because I love taking a really mundane story and adding some adjectives.

 

UNTIL THEN, FRIENDS.

Laundry

I do laundry once every week and a half or so. More than most people, not because I wear more clothes than most people, but because I wear the same five outfits over and over and over again. So, it was time to do laundry. Well, actually, it was time to do laundry about four days ago, but Febreze is an incredible invention. (Side note: I had to look up how to spell Febreze because despite being a human for the last 22 years, this word never makes sense to me.)

So I grabbed my overflowing drawstring laundry hamper that I believe was originally intended to hold feathers or something else of equal weightlessness and headed down the hallway to the two washers and two dryers that operate at about 40% and yet profit about 7,000% per laundry load.

 

TO BE CONTINUED BECAUSE MY FRIEND IS HERE AND REAL LIFE IS MORE EXCITING THAN BLOGGING

Phrases That Don’t Make Any Sense

1. Here’s the long and short of it.

2. Barking up the wrong tree.

3. Don’t have a cow.

4. Let the cat out of the bag.

5. Screw the pooch.

6. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

7. Get down to brass tacks.

 

If you use these going forward, I guess we just don’t have to speak ever again.

#Follow4Follow

Quite honestly, if you follow more than 500 people on any social media site, your experience must be terrible. I cannot imagine sifting through thousands of tweets when I check Twitter every couple hours or hundreds of horribly edited photos on Instagram. People won’t take it personally if you don’t follow them on social media. If they do, they’re not good people. Also, make an effort to make yourself follow worthy. If you’re not, work harder.