Unemployment

I still haven’t unpacked my clothes. Like from moving to LA, not from being home last week.

 

Not having a real job is more than just a BuzzFeed list. In fact, it’s even better than that. I began this post by explaining that I haven’t unpacked since moving here not to lay out a dramatic post about how this isn’t really my home yet, but more to prove to you that I do nothing most days and, therefore, should have unpacked the day after I moved in. Ah, well, screw it.

 

I’ll run you through my unemployed lifestyle. I wake up around 7:30, give or take, most of the time earlier than that because the window in my room is, I would assume, made of cling wrap. My room faces the courtyard of my apartment building and my fellow residents do not realize that our entirely walled-in courtyard creates an anechoic-like chamber, essentially allowing me to hear you break up with your girlfriend every night and every morning. That’s the other thing, these are mostly men who run around and talk at a normal volume without realizing the entire building can hear every single word. Whatever, I’ll get over it, I would live in an actual monastery if it meant there were no other noises around me other than me typing or watching Netflix. Oh, also, I don’t have curtains and my blinds are about as effective as the D.A.R.E. program. So I’m awake. Note that I’ve said I wake up, I would never say I “get up” at 7:30, that would be bullshit. After I’ve browsed through Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, GroupMe, texts, and Buzzfeed, in that order, mind you, it’s time to go to the kitchen and make some coffee. I take it back to my room and sit in my bed for another couple of hours. Yeah, I like being in my room, but mostly I go back to my room because we have no furniture. Like actually none. Oh, wait, we have two plastic bar stools from Ikea that are essentially high stakes legos. The couch comes on Tuesday.

 

Then comes the hardest decision I make all day–should I go see a movie alone? Probably, yes, but if I’m honest, I’m running out of movies, so I’ll have to work on some other solitary activities soon. Maybe it’s the day I go to the local Trader Joe’s, which is probably my most thrilling trip of the week. If we’re going by strict probability though, it’s not grocery day, so I have truly nothing to do.

 

LinkedIn time! Ah, the beauty of LinkedIn. It lets you search for jobs while also telling you that 743 other people have also applied for this job and you could see how you compare, if you’re willing to pay for it. Nope, I’m not, so I’ll google shit until I find a job that looks sort of interesting. Upon further research, though, I need 3 years minimum experience to even be looking at this job posting, let alone this job. Yeah, I get that they want highly qualified individuals working for their company, but based on the desired qualifications, the only worthy applicant is Steve Jobs, and unfortunately, he’s unavailable.

 

I guess it’s time to read, then. I’ve already watched probably four episodes of something at this point in the day, so I’ve decided it’s time to read. I love reading. A lot. But if I’m honest, it makes multi-tasking really hard. I can’t surf the web while my head is buried in a book, and I can’t eat lunch while reading because I would miss my mouth if I did that. Oh, by the way, lunch is whatever was left over from dinner last night–we’ll get to dinner in a bit. Patience.

So, not surprisingly, I’m done reading after like thirty minutes.

 

My days are mostly a mix of what I’ve just described over and over and over again. I’m basically living the life of a retiree, plus a lot of Netflix, because, let’s face it, most retired individuals cannot work a remote, let alone effectively search for the Carol episodes of 30 Rock.

But, dinner, oh boy, here’s where the magic happens.

It’s pasta, truly every night.

 

So, as far as unemployed post-grads go, I’m doing pretty well. Bored out of my mind and suddenly realizing that too much free time is, in fact, a bad thing.

 

Hire me?

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