Ah, the week of the final three. We have Chris, Nick, and Josh all vying for Andi’s heart. All in the beautiful, and terribly confusing land of the Dominican Republic. Three dates with three men, we’re led to believe all over three days, and yet, the production team seems to have travelled miles and miles for each date.
Let’s get into it. Or, actually, let’s spend minimum three minutes either detailing every moment of the previous weeks or watching clips that we will see in just minutes. So, now it’s 8:03 and it’s finally time for Andi to go on her first date of the week.
Nick’s at bat first. (Pardon the baseball pun, Josh. I know how emotional baseball is for you.) First of all, Nick is the only sucker who gets a helicopter this week. They fly to a private island, which, if I’m honest would terrify me. I saw little to no evidence of a swim up bar or indoor plumbing on their fly over coral reefs in the Dominican Republic. That’s the other thing. I’m 98% sure that the final two weeks were set in the Dominican Republic because they found two patches of reef that were in the shape of a heart, and they just couldn’t pass that up. So, they’re on the helicopter, looking at all the conveniently shaped coral, making out a little, though the making out is a little difficult because they’re wearing headsets as large as the private island they’re flying to and the microphones are getting a little bit in the way. Andi has a “mental connection” with Nick, which I’m pretty sure is just called being humans, but Andi seems to think this is the best news. They have more than just their mental connection, though, as Andi describes Nick’s passionate side, “when he kisses, he kisses”. Um, okay. What a glowing review there, Nick.
So, we’re mid ocean. Oh, sorry, I forgot to mention the elongated shot of Andi and Nick removing their respective cover ups. That shot is money and I’m so glad the audience got it. They make out for awhile in the ocean, Nick carries her around, they make out some more. Am I the only on wondering if they’re overdubbing the kissing noises at a later date? There’s no way they’re getting that high of sound quality mid heart-shaped ocean. Enough is enough, though, and they head to the beach to sit as physically far from each other as humanly possible. Close up shot? They’re all snuggly. Long shot? They are essentially on separate beaches.
Time for the long awaited conversation about Nick’s past. I obviously have a “Frown Counter” for Andi, but the “Like Counter” for Nick has exploded due to overworking. For such a smart and analytical young man, he talks like I did in middle school. Anyway, he had a rough break-up in his early twenties, he didn’t want to talk to people for, like, six months, and he thinks that, like, the reason it was so hard on him was because she broke up with him. According to Nick, he kind of “rambled” and “tried to put sentences together”. Uh, yeah, that’s just general speech. Well, they got to the bottom of the issue apparently, because they head back into the ocean to snorkel, and make out some more. Their destiny is to make out in weird locations, but with some giant head accoutrement getting in their way.
It’s night time, now, and you know what that means. Horribly overdone formal dinners for the two lovebirds. Except Nick doesn’t seem to have gotten that memo because he showed up in an off-brand Pac Sun shirt and pink pants. Dress to the top of your intelligence, I guess. What was the favorite part of their day, you ask? Andi says the helicopter, Nick says the ocean. Couldn’t be worse answers, in all honesty, mostly because those are not parts of the day, but are definitely places they made out. Just be honest, you two, the making out was the favorite part of your day, no matter how many obstacles physically got in your way. Being that Nick is “somewhat quirky” with a “child-like sense of wonder”, in his own words, mind you, he wrote Andi a fairy tale. Well, not really wrote her a fairy tale as much as took the original spec script for this season’s episodes and added the word “Princess” before Andi every time it appeared in the script. It was sweet, and the extra pages at the end were quite honestly the greatest accident when Nick’s writing skills ended up not being as long winded as his speech skills. Now that the dumb fairy tale is done, Nick grabs Andi and takes her into the shadows. If this weren’t a televised dating show, this guy would immediately be questioned in a serial killer case. You don’t take girls to the shadows to tell them you love them. Call me traditional, but if a man can’t tell me he loves me in full production lighting, then I just don’t believe him. So, Nick loves Andi, Andi loves making out with Nick with just one hand in his pocket. Wait, what was that? Could we get about seven more shots of Andi’s hands in Nick’s pants?
Fantasy suite time! What is Nick most excited about doing with Andi in the fantasy suite? Talking. He wants to talk her ear off. Well, thank god that’s all he wanted to do, because we pan in on the fantasy suite and it is just windows. There is not a part of the fantasy suite that is not windows. Very clever, producers.
Now that the international sign for the end of a fantasy suite date, aka the lights being turned off, has been displayed, it’s time to travel to a completely different part of the country for a date with Josh. Enter the beautiful Santo Domingo, the capital city of the Dominican Republic, and also, apparently,the capital city of every bird that has ever been on this earth. While Nick may have been treated to a helicopter ride and a romantic private beach, Josh gets a bird infested city center with some weird juice cart that would probably not pass the FDA standards test. Most of the time the audience spends with Andi and Josh on this date is them greeting each other. That takes up about thirty minutes and then they’re free to focus on Josh’s average Spanish-language skills, oh, and did we mention that Josh used to play baseball?! Well, he did, but he doesn’t want to talk about it.
Time to beat the crap out of some non-suspecting native youths. Yes, Andi, yelling at these children in English will certainly help you gain favor with the locals and also prove to the man who is courting you that you are cultured, level headed, and maternal. Now that they’ve destroyed the dreams of young Dominican Republic children, it’s time to sit on a bench and drink from the single largest coconut that the world has ever seen. This coconut will probably be used in subsequent Bachelor or Bachelorette tropical-themed episodes because that thing is not going to be out of juice for quite awhile. Anyway, Josh loves Andi, and says it so flippantly, even my roommate said, “Wait, what did he say?” Way to win a girl’s heart, Josh, definitely just blow past that stunning revelation. They get to make out without any head obstacles, lucky bastards.
Now that the day part of the date is over, let’s move on to the single most confusing dinner date in human history. What kind of parents would they be? Probably pretty bad ones since Andi is unwilling to discipline their kids and Josh won’t play catch with their kids because the memories are too painful. Then all of a sudden they’re fighting? Or wait, maybe they’re not fighting? Wait, did they just cut to a confessional shot of Andi telling the world that she loves that she and Josh are on the same page with everything? One minute they’re making out, then they’re fighting, then they’re not, then they’re on the same page? Whatever happened, it worked, because Chris Harrison wrote a note to the two of them, in the most effeminate handwriting ever, welcoming them to the bird sanctuary of the Dominican Republic and telling them to do it in the fantasy suite.
This fantasy suite is even more revealing than Nick’s fantasy suite as this one is entirely outside. They get in the pool in swim suits that I can no longer describe because my retinas have been burned and I can no longer register color thanks to the neon sections I think I remember in both of their suits.
Commercial break. Probably a commercial for the uncomfortably named “Black-ish”. I felt okay with “Blackfish”, but it’s the one time where you drop the F and I’m not okay with it.
Lights up on Iowa. Or, no, not Iowa, A COMPLETELY NEW PART OF THE DOMINICAN REPUBLIC. Let’s make Chris feel at home. We’ll spend our money indulging the other two guys, but we really just want to make Chris feel at home. Andi clearly couldn’t feel less at home, which is incredible foreshadowing, so, bravo, producers. The GoPro shots of Andi on a horse are some of the most artistic pieces of television history and will certainly stand the test of time. The horse hits a moderate trot and neither Andi nor the GoPro can handle it. Finally, though, they find the one tree in this desert land and sit and drink some water. It’s one of the first times I’ve ever seen a date on the Bachelor or Bachelorette where they’re not instantly boozing. If they’re going to drink like children, they might as well act like children, so it’s time for a rousing game of Ghost in the Graveyard, which by definition must be played with more than two people. They make it work, though, and since they’re in a Dominican desert, the game doesn’t last too long, thank god. We’re led to believe that during the subsequent commercial break, Andi got up her nerve and headed back to their starting place on a horse. I guarantee she left that horse to die in the desert.
So Chris and Andi are now on their night date, which doesn’t include any food, it seems, but does take place entirely on a bed with more pillows than a Bed, Bath, and Beyond. The perfect setting for the least emotional break up I’ve ever witnessed. Yeah, Andi cried, but clearly Chris couldn’t care less. Or maybe his neck is where he keeps his emotions, but I can’t seem to find it, and apparently neither could Andi. She doesn’t want to blame this on her not being able to live in Iowa, it’s that they don’t have a good foundation. Really? They weren’t able to successfully build a loving, trusting, and truthful relationship in four weeks during which she’s dating twenty-four other men? Color me surprised. Her head and her heart don’t match up. Well, respect to Andi for cutting him loose then and there, I guess, but was going to a rose ceremony really going to tear him apart? Probably not, but she knew his emotional capacity was not particularly high, so maybe the producers wanted to do this in night lighting and make it seem a little more dramatic than it actually was.
So, Chris is gone, but we still have 23 minutes of this show. What could we possibly have left to cover? Oh, Andi still wants to have a rose ceremony? God, Andi, always being so selfish, I could be watching and rewatching the trailer for the seemingly brilliant “Selfie” premiering this Fall.
Time for the girly catch-up with Chris Harrison. Can Nick be goofy? Can Josh be serious? AHHHHH WE’LL NEVER KNOW.
We head to the rose ceremony where the guys find out Chris is gone in, again, the least dramatic reveal of all time, and Andi comes out and says that this is the most important rose ceremony to date. Oh, really? I would have put money on Week 3’s rose ceremony as the most important to date. Now’s the time to be honest, though, Andi says. Yes, yes. Now seems like the perfect time to start being honest.
She calls Nick’s name first–what does this mean?! Does Nick win? Are they engaged? Can he really be goofy?! But, wait, is she saying Josh last because he’ll be the last man standing?! SO MUCH SUBTEXT.
We’ll find out in two weeks.
Oh, also, Andi wet the bed through middle school.