In the two hours of prime time television, we only covered about four topics, and yet, here were are, at 10:00pm, ready to go to bed wondering just who Andi is going to pick next week during the three hour television event. Thank your lucky stars it’s not next week yet.
I clocked the intro on this week’s episode–a measly two minutes and thirty seconds to recount the various events of The Bachelorette this season. According to Chris Harrison, the “most unforgettable men of the season are back”. It’s not time, yet, though! Heard the rumor that Andi is pregnant? Well, huge spoilers ahead, but she’s not, so we had to have some baby talk in this television event. So JP and Ashley are up. She’s about six months pregnant now which is the perfect amount of pregnant to exploit her unborn child.
So Chris Harrison sits JP and Ashley down and says, “I’ve obviously said this in person, but in front of everyone, congratulations.” Quite possibly the douchiest sentence ever said on this program, and that’s saying something. Apparently the baby is very active, so that’s fun, and Ashley is a planner, so that’s less fun. Their life is not entirely about babies, though, because THEY’RE MOVING. To Miami, because the winter was brutal. They know Dexter was set in Miami, yes? Also, super solid Juan Pablo joke, Chris Harrison. America had all but forgotten about the world’s worst Bachelor, but thanks for bringing it up again. Chris breaks the news to America–we’re going to do a live ultra-sound and find out the sex of the baby, right here on TV! How traditional! Is The Doctor’s an ABC show?
After that insane cliff hanger, we’re back from commercial break, and we get a glorious shot of the ultrasound technician, who we come to know as Greg, and he is simply standing next to an ultrasound machine waiting for his paycheck and shred of dignity. It’s the ultrasound we’ve all been waiting for–Ashley’s dress either snaps or they just rip it open, one of the two. In any subsequent seasons of The Bachelor/Bachelorette, contestants should just be required to watch a loop of this video over and over again before they head into the fantasy suite. It would either speed things up or cool things down really quickly. Anyway, according to Greg, Ashley’s “fluid” is really “good”. Uh, gross, Greg, we won’t be needing your services ever again because your bedside manner is atrocious. They throw the image of the ultrasound up on the big screen for the audience to see and CHRIS HARRISON’S GLAMOR SHOT IS IN ASHLEY’S UTERUS. I’m still laughing, they’re just so goofy! Blah, blah, blah, it’s a boy, JP is crying, but let’s move on, for god’s sake, we have lie detector results to get to!
We’ve been promised so many segments that are “coming up on The Bachelorette” at this point, but nope, we just get another terrible Bachelor in Paradise preview. This is a seven minute preview of people crying and yelling. I heard about four actual sentences and they were riddled with grammar inaccuracies, so you could say I’m pretty excited to see this display of American culture coming August 4th! All I really got from this preview was mostly bleeping out strong language and also I’m pretty sure someone gets murdered this season. I would bet on Michelle Money being the murderer mostly because that probably means she’d get another ABC show, but she was sitting in the audience, so I can’t be sure.
Well, now it’s time for the men to actually tell all. Chris Harrison prefaced these men as the “most unforgettable men of the season”, but there are probably only about five men not there and some of the ones who are there are highly forgettable. The men are all so goofy, though! They’re all wearing scarves! Chris calls this the “scarviest” season yet! So so goofy! Chris Harrison runs over some basic questions with the guys, then we go to a video montage of all the issues the guys had in the house and then, immediately, racism. Yeah, good call, producers, let’s not ease into this one at all. Well, Marquel wants to get to the bottom of Andrew’s words, or whatever, but thank god there is evidence.
Cut to the evidence. Um, it’s just Andrew slightly leaning toward JJ. And there’s no audio. To say my time was wasted would be a severe understatement. This segment goes on forever and nothing comes of it whatsoever other than this is apparently affecting Andrew’s life. Andrew wants to be friends with Marquel, and before we can hear Marquel’s answer or really any resolution of this issue even at all, it’s time to cut to commercial.
We’re back and it’s time for Marquel to come to the hot seat. But, wait, JJ wants to say something! He interrupts everything and just cries and speaks incoherently for about two minutes without ever really making a point, which reminds me, Bachelor in Paradise premieres August 4th! Now it’s finally time for our beloved Cookie Monster to get some alone time with Chris Harrison. If we’re lucky, ABC will realize Marquel is the greatest man of this century and should be the next Bachelor and hopefully he’ll be spending a lot of time with Chris Harrison, but I DIGRESS. In looking back at Marquel’s journey with Andi, we get to relive the beauty that is the world’s widest ties and the greatest mixing of prints. We also, unfortunately, have to relive the night when Andi attends the rose ceremony as Elsa from Frozen and her icy soul sends home Marquel’s warm cookie heart. Now that the video is over, we find out that Marquel didn’t know the other guys were making out with Andi so much and he wishes he would have kissed her and also MARQUEL IS ON BACHELOR IN PARADISE PREMIERING AUGUST 4TH!
It’s Marcus’ turn in the hot seat now. His video is a long reminder that he essentially walked out of the limo and told Andi he loved her. The best part of the Men Tell All episodes is that we get to watch these men watch themselves getting broken up with. So we get to watch Marcus watch Marcus cry. All while the soundtrack for the critically-acclaimed Pixar animated feature film “Brave” is being played. Marcus is still really hurt by everything and he keeps saying that Andi made it really easy for him to open up and also MARCUS IS ON BACHELOR IN PARADISE PREMIERING AUGUST 4TH!
Here comes to most difficult part of the show to recap, mostly because both parties of this segment are named Chris and it became increasingly difficult to take notes about people with the exact same name. Because of this, I will hereby refer to Chris from Iowa as “No-Neck” and Chris Harrison as “Chris Harrison”. Fair is fair, after all. In No-Neck’s video, we are reminded that his actual first words to Andi were “Hi, I’m Chris, I’m from Iowa”. And he wasn’t sent home the first night because…? No-Neck put himself out there 110% and then we watch Andi break up with him again. Now that we’re done with that video, we cut to Chris Harrison saying that he isn’t “giving a secret outside of school”. What does this mean? What the hell does this mean? Anyway, apparently Andi had the best time in Iowa, but she hated No-Neck’s plane and there was no foundation, so she sent him home. But, wait, in the midst of all this, some crazy Canadian interrupts and jumps onstage to talk to No-Neck. Every woman in the audience is super embarrassed for her and all the guys are yelling “YOLO”, most likely because this woman is a serial killer and they want to reiterate the idea that we only live once and clearly everyone in this studio is about to be brutally murdered. No-Neck looks terrified, but Chris Harrison is forcing this idea of a speed date on them, so he tells the burgeoning couple that they have only the time allotted for a commercial break to see if there is a connection between them. We have all now heard the actual plot of The Bachelor or The Bachelorette.
We’re back from the commercial break and crazy lady couldn’t follow rules because she’s still on the couch when we get back, but this time with a tiny legal pad and she’s giving No-Neck her number which we can only assume he instantly crumbled up and burned and turned in for forensic evidence. Anyway, Andi is here now! She sits down and immediately starts apologizing to all of the men there. All the guys, or sorry, just the three we’ve spent any time with tonight, get to ask Andi some questions and she once again delivers her scripted lines perfectly. She’s nothing if not consistent. Then we cut to some random guy named Nick who may or may not have been there for like two weeks but certainly did not leave a lasting impression and all of a sudden he’s pissed at Andi for having her walls up even during the second week. #YesAllWomen. You do you, Andi, have that wall up however damn well long you want. Screw you, mysterious Nick. We also get to witness Chris #3 actually meet Andi because she wouldn’t let him in the mansion on the first night and he tries to come up on stage and actually meet her but he can’t get there because HE’S ON BACHELOR IN PARADISE PREMIERING AUGUST 4TH!
Because our producers are big into subtlety, we get back from commercial break and instantly we’re asking Andi whether or not she’s pregnant. She’s not, of course, because we had baby talk at the top of the episode and we can only exploit one unborn child a night. Chris Harrison has lie detector test results and there’s honestly not much to talk about here other than the fact that Marcus has slept with minimum 1,000 women and Josh, one of her potential suitors, lied about two things but Andi won’t let America find out what they are. God, Andi, constantly thinking of yourself. We get some dumb transition to the bloopers and we get to learn about Andi’s nasal issues and also about how the camera crew pretty much just destroys childhood mementos during hometown dates. The most important blooper, though, has to be No-Neck trying to say “confident” and now that’s all I want to hear forever.
Next week is the real deal, though. Will Andy get engaged? Probably. Will Andi stay engaged? Probably not.
We’re out, but not before Chris Harrison brings Andi a note from one of the final two written on looseleaf which I haven’t seen since 1996, but there it is haunting Andi, and now, me for the next week.
AHHH WHAT DOES THE MIDDLE SCHOOL STYLE NOTE SAY?