It’s finally over. And I hate the new couple, but we’ll get to that later. Let it be known I’m only recapping the actual Bachelorette finale, not After the Final Rose, because writing a recap for three full hours of television is simply too much for a girl.
So, let’s go.
Only a minute and a half of recap this week. Andi’s voice over the past few weeks is amazing and she describes both of the guys as “great”. Woo, what a burning passion she seems to have for them. We’re done with the recap and then all of a sudden we’re in a studio with a live studio audience and Chris Harrison is welcoming us to the live television event of the summer. Well, I’ll be the judge of that.
Chris Harrison instantly tells us that one man is heartbroken and has made several attempts to talk to Andi since she broke it off with him, but she wouldn’t see him in Mexico, she wouldn’t see him at The Men Tell All, but now she has to see him. Seems like a dumb choice to see your ex for the first time on live TV, but if you haven’t guessed already, I don’t really believe Andi has any other agenda other than being on TV for as long as possible and getting as much money out of this situation as she can. But I digress, I’m sure my true feelings will come through pretty clearly in the rest of this write up.
We’re back from commercial and Andi says this is the first week where she “doesn’t know what could happen”. There are two choices for men and there are two choices for whichever man she chooses. She may not know what’s going to happen, but I mean, she could probably make an educated guess. Nick is up first to meet Andi’s family. He walks in and is so nervous which Andi’s family picks up on immediately and they all instantly fall silent and share disappointed looks. For Andi’s mom, Nick brings flowers, for Andi’s dad, Nick brings booze, for Andi’s sister and brother-in-law, Nick brings half-hearted hugs and a disingenuous smile. Nick’s dad, I should mention at this point, is probably Joe Pesci. I mean, probably. Nick thanks the family for having him, though, they’re in the Dominican Republic, so like thank the locals, Nick, but they could not be less interested in him as a human. His mom keeps talking about how their body language doesn’t exactly broadcast “love” but that could be because he’s nervous. Nick heads off to talk with Andi’s mom, though, and bears his soul. Her mom keeps saying that she’s getting emotional because she can now apparently tell that Nick really is in love with her, but it mostly looks like she forgot to take an anti-histamine. We are all quickly learning that it does not take much to sway the Dorfmans in any particular direction. Now Nick is off to talk with Andi’s dad, or Joe Pesci. It is honestly a pretty uncomfortable situation, including when Andi’s dad says that he “feels the same way about Andi as Nick does”. Uhhhh, let’s hope it’s a little different. But, being the easily swayed Dorfmans that they are, Nick gets her dad’s blessing to propose should the occasion arise. Time for a commercial. Wait, we’re only twelve minutes into this episode? Good god, how long is this going to take?
We’re back and Andi is in maxi dress #2 of nine this episode. Josh’s turn to meet the fam. He walks in a feigns confidence, but Andi’s sharp shooting dad says that Josh is so obviously nervous and sweaty. Andi’s mom just calls Josh “loud”, which is laser accuracy and then she also talks about how sweaty he is. Could they do nothing about the lack of AC in the DR? Basically they all sit there and discuss how Andi and Josh are perfect together on paper. They might be perfect on paper, but Andi tells her sister that she came on The Bachelorette to “branch out and find a different type of guy”. Yep, network television seems like the perfect place to find a different type of guy. Josh takes Andi’s dad to the side and asks for his blessing in such a long drawn out speech and, of course, Joe Pesci says yes. I’ve only now realized that this man’s name is Hy. We end this segment by the family all coming together again and Andi asking “So, how much do you guys hate Josh”? Amazing.
We’re back from commercial, and I kid you not there is a headline on the news ticker on the bottom of my television simply titled “Bachelor in Paradise Naughtiness Revealed”. Oh god, I’d almost forgotten that Bachelor in Paradise premieres August 4th. Anyway, it’s time for Josh’s date with just Andi, and they get on a yacht. Not really much to say about this date. Josh never stops talking, which is normal, and Andi sits there and frowns and plays with her hair. At one point, though, apparently Andi is scaring Josh because of her deep breaths. Thank god he’s just a disgruntled former baseball player and not a physician. Before I know it, another commercial break has come and gone and we’re onto the night portion of Josh’s date. Josh apparently has no concerns or questions for Andi and basically just won’t stop talking about how confident he is in their relationship. Ugh. I have not believed a single word out of that man’s mouth since week one, but luckily I’m not dating him, so whatever. Now it’s time for the gift part of their date and Josh writes Andi a note, though this one is on plain white paper, so he is obviously not the writer of the mystery note from last week that was written on looseleaf. Josh gives Andi a personalized baseball card which sounds cute, but is really just another excuse to bring up baseball. At this point, both of their heads are just horizontal and they’re staring at each other and Andi is simply drunk. We cut back to the studio audience at the end of the date and everyone is clapping a little half-heartedly. Or maybe I just want it to be half-hearted. I’m often on the wrong side of The Bachelor/Bachelorette debates, but come on, there have to be others out there who think Josh needs to shut up and get off television and be a genuine person for once.
We’re back and it’s time for Nick’s day date. Nick walks up to Andi and he is only blue and I have named him “Blueberry”. Nick doesn’t wear a seatbelt in their Jeep ride and then all of a sudden they’re in a live action Jungle Book. Truly nothing exciting about this date, but the two of them were getting bored without anything getting in their way while they make out so Andi holds her braid away from her head as they make out. Now it’s nighttime and Nick is again wearing a Pac Sun color block shirt that makes anyone instantly look like they’re headed for a day at LegoLand. It is honestly the world’s quietest date and there is little to no eye contact made. They eventually get talking, though, and Nick takes Andi through a day in their life if they were to live in Chicago. It’s honestly so sweet. I’ve been able to conceal my love for Nick pretty well so far, but if I’m fully disclosing my hatred for Josh, I have to admit my love for Nick. Mind you, Nick and Andi together would have never worked, but him describing a potential day in their future is so cute. It’s gift time! I was watching with my friend and she instantly says that The Bachelorette just ends up being Craft Wars. I burst out laughing. It’s true. Andi has gotten a fairy tale book, a homemade baseball card, and now a homemade necklace that has the sand from the beach where Nick told Andi he loved her. UGH. HE’S SUCH A GOOD GUY BUT ANDI IS NOT TERRIBLE BUT SHE’S ALSO NOT GREAT.
We come back from break and we get to see both guys look off their balconies and tell the world that they’re proposing to Andi today. Josh gets to move around a ton, though, because one minutes he’s at the balcony, then he’s sitting in a patch of grass, then he’s leaning against a tree, then he’s sitting down with Neil Lane telling him that Andi is a strong woman and that’s what he finds sexy about her. We cut back to Nick and hear a knock at the door expecting Neil Lane to be carrying his jewelry case, but no, it’s Andi. Uh, oh, this can’t be good. Commercial break.
We return to the studio audience and literally no one is confident that this is good news for Nick. I have to agree. We waste about eight minutes talking to people who have been on the show before but honestly I couldn’t care less what they think about the situation–WHAT IS ANDI SAYING TO NICK?!
We finally get back to Andi and Nick and Nick lets Andi in his room and it is so clear that he knows what is happening. He reacts so genuinely. Not a ton of fake tears, but he seems pissed, as he should be. He even asks Andi if this is about them or if this is about someone else. That makes it so clear that he really thought they were in a relationship and was focused on them. But, I digress, I know no one is here to read my analysis of Nick’s thoughts, especially when they’re not funny at all.
So, Nick is gone. Josh proposes to Andi. Andi says yes. Mind you, Josh has about a thirty minute speech that could potentially be in iambic pentameter or is a bad free style rap. Either way, none of it seems genuine and it is so obviously rehearsed. Andi’s response to him is equally over the top and disingenuous.
They call each other “Babe” for the remaining five minutes and I vomit about seven times and then we’re done. Eh, maybe they’ll stay together, but I honestly just don’t care.
Bye, Bachelorette, see ya next Summer! In the meantime, I guess I’ll settle for BACHELOR IN PARADISE PREMIERING AUGUST 4TH.