How do we know when we’ve found true happiness? Have we already found it? Will we ever really find it?
I have never been happier than in my senior year of college. I was blissfully and unashamedly happy. You could tell that about me. I had matured, I had found the people I really cared about, and I had found the ways that I liked to spend my time. It may seem odd, but one of the ways I knew I was truly happy was that I was able to feel sadness. In my life, I have felt great sadness, some sadness that many others will never feel, and I didn’t know I was truly sad then. Sadness can be all-consuming. It can take you to a place that tells you that no one is happy and that even happiness isn’t real. When I was really, truly happy, I felt sadness, but it was not all-consuming. It was tempered. It was felt, but in a way that made me realize that I was rationally sad. I was sad because things that should make me sad did just that–they made me sad. I wasn’t freaking out about not being invited out one night or not having a date to a dance–those are not valid reasons to be sad. At least not anymore. Ask any of my friends from college–I cry a lot. About kind of everything. But that was another way I knew I was happy. I was free with my emotions and that was my body’s way of telling me I was comfortable–with my place in life at that moment and the people who surrounded me.
I know this post is a little scattered and a little bit preachy, but I wish everyone the same happiness that I have found. It took work, dammit, and I’m proud of the work I did, and the friends I ended up with, and everything about my life. I learned who I am. I am a strong, sensitive, truthful, reserved, unashamed woman who knows what she wants and is not afraid to go after it. Though, that’s a lie, and anyone who tells you any different is a liar. I know what I want, and I am absolutely going after it, but I am absolutely terrified of it, as well. What if I never get what I want? What if I do get what I want? Right now, I am blissfully in between those two questions. I am happy where I am right now, but I am by no means content with some things in my life. That’s fine. Being content with a job or a relationship or a place does not determine my happiness. I determine my happiness.