Weekend Update Wednesday 10/22/14

Earlier this week, Taylor Swift accidentally released a song titled “Track 3” that was 8 seconds long and only played the sound of white noise. It quickly became the number one selling song in Canada and the most critically acclaimed song in her catalogue to date.

This week, SNL writer Leslie Jones was promoted to official cast member for the show. She was now also officially promoted to third in line to play Oprah behind Kenan and any other man of any other race.

Halloween is celebrated this weekend and when asked how excited he is about the holiday he is, Apparently Kid said, “Well, apparently, my parents are fundamental Christians, so, apparently, they’ll only let me go to church on Halloween, apparently.”

Renee Zellweger’s new look came under fire this week after she attended a charity event with a seemingly new face. When asked if she had a response, she just made a surprised face, which we are now being told is her only face from now on.

Well, we’re in our third week here of the ebola outbreak in the United States. According to Fox News, we are all currently dead and ebola is now our ruler.

British pop group of the late 90s, S Club 7, recently announced they will reunite for a charity event later this year and every girl, ages 20-26, FREAKED THE F OUT.

Michael Sam, the first openly gay player in the NFL, was cut from the Dallas Cowboys practice squad earlier this week. While he’s upset he got cut from the squad, he’s even more upset that the press WON’T STOP PUBLICIZING HIS FAULTS.

Halloween is just around the corner and surprisingly all the Frozen troll costumes are left on the shelf. Also still available for purchase are Nemo’s weird incontinent squid friend, and the hyena that wasn’t voiced by Whoopi Goldberg.

Pumpkin season is in full swing now according to females ages 11-24 and 43-52. Men, on the other hand, are celebrating “awkward pumpkin patch pictures” season by giving dead eyes in every photograph taken.

Earlier this month, Joe and Teresa Giudice of Real Housewives fame were convicted and both sentenced to time in federal prison. While, of course, this will be hard on their marriage and their children, prison tables seem to be taking the news the hardest.

Earlier this month, Joe and Teresa Giudice were sentenced to time in federal prison and when asked how she felt about it, Teresa just said that she was “very excited to finally get the opportunity to study yoga under Yoga Jones”. Joe could not be reached for comment.

Kim Kardashian celebrated her 34th birthday earlier this week, also known as her 8th anniversary as a born again fame whore.

Bruce Jenner is reportedly dating the long time friend of his separated wife Kris Jenner. Kris would be offended, but she’s still processing Bruce’s face lift.

Stephen Collins has recently been accused of sexual abuse. The former 7th Heaven pastor simply responded, “I’m a method actor”, but even Daniel Day Lewis was like, “Woah, man, cool it, Rev”.


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