New year, new Bachelor, same me. It’s 2016, y’all, and not only am I still struggling to remember if I wrote the right year on the check I wrote to pay my rent, but I’m already overwhelmed by the good, the bad, and the beautiful in their own way that are the women on this season of The Bachelor. Monday night kicked off the season with a bang, so let’s just jump into it all.
The season starts, as one always does, with the 45 second preview of the season, or, as it is more accurately known,”memorize all these girls’ faces and voices so we can see if they move on later in the season”. According to these women, Ben is an “easy guy to fall for”. Well, they’re probably right, but also, I’m a little mad at the producer who scripted that line for them because ending on a preposition is NEVER OKAY in my book. I have to say, potentially my favorite thing about The Bachelor is the Week 1 intro of, yes, not only the women, but also the inevitable intro of The Bachelor–a man America definitely already knows doing what he loves most: photoshoots holding a rose. This season, once again, did not disappoint. But, oh boy, was I in for a treat. I didn’t know it yet, but I was about to be transported into a magical land called Warsaw, IN which has all the charm of Stars Hollow without any of the exciting people or things. It. Seems. Boring. You know a Bachelor’s hometown is not great when the first, read that FIRST, feature of the town is Ben’s elementary school. I mean, I enjoyed my time at Christ King School in Wauwatosa, Wisconsin from 1998-2006, but if a national TV show is coming to hang out in the coolest places around town, IT’S NOT THE FIRST PLACE THAT WOULD POP INTO MY HEAD. I’ll let it slide, though, perhaps the school is having some funding issues, and, honestly, a national platform may be just the thing Warsaw Elementary needs. Before I can even recover, we’re whisked away to the movie theater where Ben had his first kiss! Aww! That’s actually really sweet, I love that about — wait, did he just say his girlfriend who he kissed broke up with him that night? Spoiler alert: Ben is a terrible kisser. Spoiler alert about the spoiler alert: even Lace knows and wanted to give him one more chance to prove himself, but, I digress, we’ll get to that later. Before America can dwell too much on his really depressing relationship history, we’re brought to the Higgins home, or rather, their Adirondack chairs, where Mr. and Mrs. Higgins, who may actually not be doing super well based on their body language, encourage Ben with their unbelievably lovely story about them essentially settling for one another. Great for them, not great for my overly romanticized need for perfect parents in The Bachelor. Before we know it, Ben is wrapping up his portion of the meet and greet for this episode, and, like, I already knew this about him, but he slipped in at the very end that he doesn’t actually live in Warsaw, and I’m a little sad for my new favorite town. It’s super boring, obviously, and their most exciting resident is no longer a resident! #PrayForWarsaw
It’s finally time for Ben to get to LA and start his journey. They always show The Bachelor, or Bachelorette, driving a really kick ass car up the Pacific Coast Highway right to the front door of the mansion. Well, as a Los Angeles resident and frequent visitor of The Bachelor mansion to stalk my favorite show, let me just tell you, the drive up to The Bachelor house is TREACHEROUS. Really, truly, winding roads for days and the definite possibility that you and your best friend who also watches The Bachelor will become instantly car sick. Anyway, I’m really excited to watch all of the women walk out of the limos and into Ben’s heart. But first, we need to connect with some of the more successful Bachelors! And Chris. Like, honestly, why is Chris here, can he leave and take his thick neck elsewhere. All I really took from it is that Sean didn’t even like Catherine for most of the show, Jason really wants you to know he was the shortest Bachelor and that didn’t stop him, and Chris absolutely was the worst Bachelor and he has no personality and I stand by that.
Okay, NOW, it has to be time to meet the women, right?! Well, sort of, we have these dumb features on like 7 of them who are honestly not the 7 I would have chosen, but whatever. We meet Lauren B., who seems cool, and Caila who believes in fate and literally broke up with her boyfriend because she saw a man on television that she had the hots for, and Jubiliee who is a badass and rocks army green. Then Mandi comes on the screen. She is the scariest woman/dentist I’ve ever seen and even her patient, who for some god forsaken reason has signed the release to have this crazy woman’s hands in his mouth on national television, has fear in his eyes. Then, the twins arrive. I know I just said Chris had no personality, but these women are only twins. What a boring couple of girls who just happen to have come from the same egg (They’re identical twins clearly, one egg, it splits, it’s science look it up. Actually, I don’t know if I’m right about that, honestly science was my least favorite class at Christ King School in Wauwatosa, Wisconsin from 1998-2006.). Look, producers, I’m on board with the twins because it’s like sort of a novel idea and funny to watch, but maybe let’s not have them continuously repeating that they’ve never dated the same guy. Uh, yeah, Emily and Haley, it’s called Girl Code. We meet Amanda and Samantha, both remarkably normal girls. Then we get to Tiara, a self proclaimed chicken enthusiast with framed photos of her chickens and of Ben. Honestly, I’m on board. The weirder the better. If Tiara doesn’t stop talking about chickens for 8 weeks and gets the final rose, I feel like it’s a win for us all.
Now that we’ve met 7 random women who just, like, don’t seem like great choices for a dedicated segment, Chris Harrison (the good Chris) comes out and tells Ben that “it’s hard to imagine, but in just a few minutes, the first limo will arrive”. Syntax, Chris, syntax. It is not hard to imagine that the limos will arrive, but it might be hard for Ben to imagine that this is happening. As a proponent of good grammar, this season is already off to a rocky start. Oh well. Anyway, I’m just going to kind of blaze through these limo entrances because honestly, I don’t care about probably 18 of them. What I do care about is a spinoff show about these limo drivers because you know they have stories. Okay Lauren B., Caila, then Jennifer who is like maybe the most normal? They definitely have some weird normal people chemistry going on. Jennifer’s parting line, though, is “Ben and Jen is too cute to forget” and honestly I started weeping. #RIPBenAndJenLopez/Garner Jami knows Kaitlyn, Sam did a weird joke, Jubilee is a star, blah blah blah. IT’S LACE TIME. Oh sweet lord this woman is bat shit and I’m so on board. Lace kisses him in what can described as a real and legitimate assault and he just like smiles and lets her go and it’s all a little much. I thought we were done with the crazies, but no, next out of the limo is Lauren R., but Ben will never know that, because for the entire night he literally never learns her name and now she’s gone and he’ll never know. Oh well, I was already up to my eyeballs with Laurens, we could lose one. Then a girl that doesn’t speak English, like literally at all, and Ben calls her Shanna which is, like, part of her name, but definitely isn’t all of it, and producers, maybe you should rethink this one? Ugh, then Leah, and JoJo/Joelle, who like in the moment I thought had a weird entrance with her unicorn head, but now I’m over it, then Lauren H. who seems blah to me, but whatever. THEN LAURA. Oh my god, you guys, I cannot tell you how sad I am that Laura is gone. Laura is witty and funny and natural also she’s pretty and I think she’s cool and we would really get along and I want to be her friend so bad. Oh man, rarely do I think these girls are like potential friends, but all night Laura said everything I would have said and WOW DO I LOVE THE HOT BOD OF A MAN BUT LAURA AND I MIGHT JUST BE SOULMATES. #MakeLauraTheBachelorette Damn. Now Laura’s gone and next Mandi, the craziest woman I ever did see, and she’s wearing a weirdly crafted rose hat that she wants Ben to pollinate and as she walks away, we have potentially the best line of the season:
“Interesting.” –Ben Higgins, 2016
We’ve got the twins, who let’s be honest I will be calling Twin 1 and Twin 2, and no I don’t care who’s who. Meagan brings Lil’ Sebastian and I’m loving it, but I’ve never seen two people less interested in each other romantically than Ben and Meagan. Breanne? Is this her name? I don’t know she wants to break bread, and like I know Ben is a Christian, but it’s just weird. Izzy is in a onesie which I super don’t care about, Rachel is 23 and unemployed and presumably high. Jessica is someone that at the time of viewing I apparently thought was someone Ben seemed like he really wanted to make out with, but I honestly can’t remember her now, so I’M OVER IT. Tiara doesn’t mention her chickens and I’m pissed about it. LB, Jackie, blah blah blah. Then it’s time for Olivia who has probably the world’s most natural chemistry with Mr. Ben Higgins and I think I like her, but maybe I’m hesitant about something, but I know instantly she’s getting the first impression rose.
Okay, now it’s time for Ben to have conversations with the women. Mandi is the first to grab him, because she’s a crazy lady, but she honestly probably is good at her job because her dental technique seems okay during his oral exam. Caila, twins, Olivia, blah, blah, then AMBER AND BECCA ARE BACK. Well, as you can probably guess by my previous statements, I did not watch Chris’ season of The Bachelor because I loathe him and his lack of anything exciting, so like, I don’t know these girls, but they seem cool so okay. Also, in my notes right now is a bullet point that just says, “Laura is cool, I wanna hang out with her”. I don’t know, guys, it’s just like, she’s captivated me. Becca and Ben finally see each other and they both look at each other like a piece of meat in a super romantic way.
Then Lace Saga 2016 Pt. 1 starts and Lace wants to kiss Ben again, but Ben definitely doesn’t want to kiss Lace, but she seems like a crazy person, so Ben is going to tread lightly by calling her out in a room full of women to explain for a second time that he super doesn’t want to kiss her tonight. I don’t know, the only thing that honestly bugs me about this whole thing is that Lace and Laura seem to be getting along, but that probably just means Laura finds Lace as entertaining as I do, so we’re still on track to being best friends. Lace does a whole lot of other crazy and she is just so drunk and I’m so excited to see her for the rest of this season. I think Ben is afraid of not giving her a rose because she might come back and murder him, but we’ll see.
Olivia gets the first impression rose, AS EXPECTED, but it’s just time for the real rose ceremony now and everything is normal. The women whose names I don’t remember, Ben doesn’t either, so he literally can’t give them a rose so they’re gone. EXCEPT LAURA. I REMEMBER LAURA. BYE LAURA, I’LL MISS YOU. All the roses are handed out to the women I knew the roses would be handed out to and then it’s the champagne toast where I always feel bad for the second tier of the women who can’t actually clink their glasses, then it’s time for LACE SAGA 2016 PT. 2. Actual sentence from Ben Higgins mouth is as follows: “I want to be clear, the issue was that I didn’t make eye contact with you in the rose ceremony?”. I feel like he said it so Lace could at least hear what she was saying to him, but she fully understood, processed the words, and still forged ahead with a crazy person’s argument. Time for the second cut of the night to Caila with the terrible “50 shades of crazy” joke which is neither funny nor topical.
All in all, it was a v. entertaining night and I’m honestly thrilled for the upcoming season. In the season highlights segment, all I saw is that Lace punches someone and I again did my best to see who’s making it really far in the season. Spoiler alert: Becca, Jubilee, and Lauren B are safe bets. Another spoiler alert: No one shows up mid season. Based on the slightly underwhelming highlights, it seems like a pretty straightforward season of some good ole fashioned making out which I’m looking forward to, but mostly I want to see Lace punch someone. And hang out with Laura. Probably mostly the punching.