What an emotional roller coaster this week was: people died, people opened up, and people really inappropriately brought up their cankles. According to Chris Harrison, “This week on The Bachelor” we have a lot of flying, a lot of soccer, and for some reason a lot of blankets. I don’t know if they sunk their heating budget into a different department, but for some reason there was a huge feature of the number of blankets that these women use this week. Instantly I’m jealous of their coziness, but also pissed that it looks like Lace is on her way out and also that the women might hate Jubilee. Let’s jump in.
We open with Lauren B. and Amanda hanging out and talking about how Olivia has told everyone she’s spent $40,000 on clothes. How did this naturally come up? Spoiler alert, but it seems like Olivia has a way of wedging in really inappropriate comments at odd times. Anyways, everyone hates Olivia, which, same, and I’m just wondering what I saw in her the first week. We head back into the house and every single girl is in workout gear. Not a single one is not ready for the Bachelor High track and field final challenge. Chris Harrison walks in to announce that this week there is going to be two one-on-one dates and one group date. The room falls completely silent. Um, okay ladies, maybe show just an ounce of enthusiasm for your budding romance with your shared suitor. Jami jumps up and reads, “Lauren B–the sky’s the limit…Ben”. UGH. You all know how I feel about these date cards. How do these women feel about the date cards, though? Imagine if Jami just riffed on some killer pun that the producers didn’t have the balls to come up with. IMAGINE IT.
Alright, so Ben pulls up and grabs Lauren and they head on the 101 and the producers apparently found the ONE DAY where the 101 was completely smooth sailing past Kanan. (PS, take the Kanan exit if you want to see the Bachelor mansion for yourself.) Lauren B. will not stop letting us know that she’s a planner. Also she’s a flight attendant. Also she plans a lot. Also she’s nervous. Ah, I mean I love Lauren B., but we’ve got to get her some new material. Ben is taking Lauren to the Camarillo airport which may have been built by The Bachelor producers, but I can’t confirm that. They climb aboard the tiniest plane with the most boring name–Sky Thrills–and head up to do some tricks in the sky. I might be the only one, but I feel as though they spent approximately 47% of the entire episode focusing on Lauren B. and Ben up in this plane describing the tricks that this plane could do–sharp turns, zero gravity, making kissing awkward. I was over it about 30 seconds in. Granted, the tiny, tiny plane did give us some really quality dialogue including “Remember when I said I had no regrets being here?” spoken by the lovely Lauren B. as well as another classic Lauren B. quip, “Can you just drop me off at the mansion?”. Girl knows what’s up. The second line is quite fitting though because, oh yeah, they literally fly over the mansion and make the other 16 girls gaze upon the date to which they were definitely not invited. Okay, so they’re kissing (Editor’s note: I had typed making out and then immediately backspaced because Lauren B and Ben don’t make out ever, they just peck, which is fine, but also boring and I hope they build up to some passion or else I’m out.) in this incredibly small plane and they end up basically just kissing their own headsets which is sweet, I guess. They end up in the middle of nowhere and Ben points out this hot tub that he’s prepared just for the two of them. He makes her the lovely offer to go change behind the SINGLE tree that can be found in the drought-laden desert. They’re in the hot tub, talking about how Lauren B. all of a sudden wants to be a pilot and I can’t help but notice that I don’t think they’re allowed to put the jets on in the hot tub. Like I think the sound editors just won’t allow it or we wouldn’t be able to hear this riveting dialogue and I’m suddenly just so aware that these two are sitting in what is, essentially, a bathtub in which the water has gone tepid and your skin has absorbed all of the color from your wonderful Comforter Bath Bomb from Lush. I don’t know, guys, I mean they have a super natural chemistry and I feel like I’m watching a couple that’s already been dating for a few months, but I just want to see that passion or else Lauren B. is getting kicked out of my Bachelor Bracket.
It’s time for their dinner and I can’t help but wonder if they had to take that tiny plane back to the Camarillo airport or if they just let it chill in desert with the tree that was most likely used as the cover art for Jack Johnson’s iconic album “In Between Dreams”. Their dinner is nice, though, and Lauren B. just tells Ben that her dad is a really simple man and she wants her husband to be as good of a father as her dad was to her. Ben, in return, opens up to Lauren B., arguably too much and reveals a really, honestly tragic story about his dad going through health issues. Again, like, are we watching an already established couple? Can we please rewind to the part where they can’t keep their hands off each other and just full on make out? Ben gives Lauren B. the rose, as he should, and they head off to my favorite Bachelor past time–the private concert. This concert is being given by the undeniable, incomparable Lucy Angel. Sorry, who?
It’s time for date number 2 this week! “Amanda, Haley, Jennifer, Shushanna, Leah, Amber, Lauren H. Olivia, Jami, Rachel, Lace, and Emily–Love is the goal…Ben.” First, ugh, second, I’m pretty sure there were less people invited to a Duggar wedding. What is up with the ratio of Ben to women on these group dates this season?! They head to a giant stadium to play soccer as they all figure out instantly and now I’m understanding that they may have had to invite this many women on the date to straight up not make it seem like this place was so empty. Alex Morgan and Kelley O’Hara show up to teach the women some soccer skills. As expected, we get to hear some really melancholy music and watch these women straight up suck at any physical activity. Lauren H. in particular has, according to her, “zero ball handling skills” which is not surprising and honestly comforting given her profession as an educator. In the middle of watching the number one soccer players in the world teach these crazy women how to play, Chris Harrison interrupts which just seems so unnecessary, but whatever. These women are about to battle head to head for a chance to have a cocktail party with Mr. Ben Higgins himself. Okay, cool. The twins are on opposite teams so henceforth Emily will be called Stars and Haley will be called Stripes, but honestly, I will mix them up and I don’t even care at all. The game is on! Wait. Who’s the ref? He’s super cute. Can I just watch him this whole time? It’s an intense battle and, wouldn’t ya know it, the women have to go to a sudden death head-to-head! Almost instantly, Rachel falls to the field just writhing in pain with what seems to be a leg cramp and I’m just all, “CAN WE GET THIS GIRL A BANANA FOR GOD’S SAKE?” #potassium
In the end, the Stripes come up with the victory and the Stars are sent home in sheer embarrassment. The Stripes head to a hotel, which doesn’t seem to be the hotel that Ben is staying at, but whatever, and luckily they have the opportunity to change out of their Waldo outfits. Olivia, of course, instantly grabs Ben and takes him up to a hotel room which is apparently her move. The rest of the women take this opportunity to discuss all of Olivia’s many flaws. By the time Olivia makes it back to the group, apparently Jami has decided that it’s important that Olivia know that the women have been talking shit about her. Nothing in all of television history will ever be funnier than Olivia trying to guess which of her body parts the women were making fun of: “My calves? My cankles? No?” “No, Olivia, your toes.” “Ooooooh, yeah I do have weird toes, too”. I feel like they literally never mentioned her toes previously, though, it just seemed like they were making fun of her teeth, which, yeah, same. It’s right about now that I realize that Lace has been on this date the entire time and she’s been surprisingly normal. Hmm, Lace, what’s going on with you, girl? Ben and Amber have a remarkably good conversation which is very surprising and they do have a very awkward kiss which is not as surprising. For some reason, Ben thinks he should give the rose to Amber, which, like, THANKS, BEN, NOW MY BRACKET IS SCREWED.
Woooo, it’s final date of the week time! “Jubilee–Love is in the air…Ben.” Ugh. But yay, Jubilee! Jubilee freaks the eff out and I’m freaking out right along with her. Good for her, she’s the best and we all know it. Instantly when it’s revealed that Jubilee has the final date this week, the women just go all out on tearing her down. Not even a moment passes before all of them say that they don’t like something about her. I’m all for unnecessary drama for the sake of television, but this is just straight up tomfoolery. Everyone does call her “Jubs”, though, which is better aurally than it is typed out, so you’ll have to use your voice to fully appreciate the great nickname. The only woman I can see, though, who seems genuinely happy for Jubilee on this date, though, is Becca, so I’m cool with Becca. Jubilee and Ben walk out to see a helicopter landing essentially on the mansion and destroying every single piece of work the landscapers have done over the last decade. She makes what is honestly a great joke and everyone freaks out. Not a single woman is like, “Yeah, you know what? Jokes are cool, I like jokes. This situation isn’t crazy. I just love jokes.” Not-a-one of them. Anyway, Ben thinks Jubilee is funny so let’s just focus on them for now. Ben and Jubilee fly to this gorgeous spa on the tip top of a mountain and I experience the second funniest moment of television history which is watching Jubilee eat caviar. There is not a food on this planet that could have been funnier for her to eat. After she spits it out she tells Ben that her favorite food is hot dogs which is both respectable and incredibly informative. Jubilee is the best, man do I want to go to a barbecue with her and try to force feed her some super regular food that she thinks is weird. Jubilee and Ben continue joking around and she calls him a white boy and he laughs and it’s all glorious.
It’s time for dinner and even Ben notices that Jubilee is more honest with him than any of the other girls. She lays out some really heavy stuff about the reasons she doesn’t want to travel back to Haiti and how she feels guilty for being the only one in her family to survive. Real, legitimate, not ABC writing this for her stuff, and I just love her so much. Please, please ABC make this glorious, strong, amazing woman the next Bachelorette, not because we deserve it, but because she does. Oh man, honestly Ben reacts very well and they really do seem like a couple who would support each other. Of course Jubilee gets the rose and she jumps in his lap and they make out some more and Ben kisses her on the cheek and it’s just all sorts of magical.
Cut back to the bitchiest house ever and we see the women slowly waking up and creeping by Jubilee’s bed to see if she’s still there. Um, YEAH SHE’S STILL THERE BECAUSE SHE’S BETTER THAN YOU AND Y’ALL NEED TO GET OVER IT. Caila, though, thank god, agrees that Jubilee is going to be here for awhile and now I’m Team Caila as well.
Ben walks into the rose ceremony and drops some super heavy news that he just found out that 2 people he was close with from his home town died in a plane crash today. Olivia, being the classy and tactful woman that she is, interrupts Ben and pulls him aside so she can let him know that the women were making fun of her body. Even Ben is legitimately like, “This is not what I want to be talking about right now” and I’m hoping that this means we only have 2 or 3 weeks left of Olivia. Also, the more times I see the banners across the screen of these women’s name, age, and occupation I cannot help but gasp at the fact that I’m now the same age as most of these women and I cannot imagine myself in one million years doing this. But whatever. It’s a personal problem. I’m growing up. Time to get over it. Amanda tells Ben that she’s there if he wants to talk which is sweet, but Jubilee is still the center of these horrible people’s attention. JoJo gets pissed that Jubilee pulled Ben aside and offered a massage because maybe all Ben needs is just to be like face down from the camera just relaxing and not dealing with crazy town. Good call, Jubilee, you’re a winner. Jami, however, does not see the appeal of this gesture and interrupts this lovely display of affection. The women then take it upon themselves to try to grab Jubilee and essentially tell her all the things they don’t like about her. This charge is largely led by Amber and Amber sucks so much I just am so mad she has a rose. Jubilee, understandably, does not want to be a part of a conversation that essentially consists of the women telling her that they don’t like her and she runs upstairs to get away from it all. Ben is noticeably upset by the fact that Jubilee is upset and goes to talk to her. Amber, being the real gem that she is, decides now is when she just can’t wait and needs to tell Jubilee that she hates her. Mind you, this is all directly in front of Ben. Ben handles it well, though, and is like, Jubilee doesn’t like you because you’re crazy, clearly, so just leave her alone. I wish he had snatched Amber’s rose back from her so bad. Once we think the night has settled down, Lace grabs Ben and pulls him outside. She explains to him through tears that she needs to work on herself and she is not proud of her behavior on the show and it’s best she leave. I need the clapping hand emojis, but YAHS, LACE, YAHS. YOU GO WORK ON YOU! Love it when a woman realizes that she’s more important than the man she’s trying to impress.
Alright, it’s finally rose time after what seems like the most action packed episode ever. Lauren H., Amanda, Becca, Haley, Emily, Rachel (wut why also is her leg okay), Caila, JoJo, Jennifer, Leah, and finally Olivia. Oh man, there’s so much I didn’t even cover in here, including Olivia’s made up secret language with Ben that Ben doesn’t know about and the number of blankets that the women were using in this whole episode, but just like Jami, the lesson I’m taking away from this whole thing is “Don’t ever expect anything from humans.” Yeah, that’s the actual, real, horribly depressing line she used on her wait out The Bachelor Mansion doors. Anyway, I’m clearly Team Jubilee, and I’m definitely still hardcore Team JoJo and Team Jennifer, and am working my way to joining Team Lauren B. if she can figure out how to kiss a man with tongue, but in general, I’m Team Listen To Olivia Name The Body Parts She’s Insecure About. Until next week, folks.
Next time on The Bachelor: it’s Vegas time! JoJo gets a one-on-one, FINALLY! At least one of the twins is on a date, though, I’m unclear which one, Becca and Ben get married so, spoilers, maybe? Caila makes out with him and then Olivia has a straight up breakdown.
Can. not. wait.