The Bachelor: Week 4

How are we already in week 4? Also, how are we only in week 4? I feel like I’m watching people who have been dating for at least like, more than 20 total minutes. Such is the way of The Bachelor Land, though. I’m gonna start out by saying that this week’s episode was a weird episode. Let’s dip our toes into the proverbial tepid water.

We open and all of the girls are simply exhausted. From what you may ask? DATING. Same, girls, hard same. Caila chimes in a says that she feels like there’s a weird vibe in the house. Maybe, perhaps, just a guess, but maybe it’s because 14 of you are all dating the same guy and pretending it’s not weird to be living together while it’s happening? Oh man, there I go on my Bachelor high horse again. Let me take a step down. Caila redeems herself, though, and instantly lets the nation know that she cannot tell the twins apart. Same, Caila, hard same. Before we have time to process it, Chris Harrison walks in and drops a bomb–BEN HIGGINS IS NO LONGER IN LOS ANGELES, CA. What if he just straight up fled? I would love that so deeply. Unfortunately, Ben has only fled a short 45 minute direct flight from Burbank to Las Vegas, NV. Okay, so here’s probably the weirdest part about the episode–Chris tells them they’re heading to Vegas, which, fine, okay, cool, but then tells them they better get ready quickly because their flight leaves in an hour. I’M SORRY, WUT. AN HOUR? They might have said this for dramatic effect, but even if it 1927 and it’s the very first plane in existence and it was in their BACKYARD, there’s no way they could ever hop a plane in Los Angeles, CA within an hour. So, the girls get to Vegas and they simply will not stop screaming. Like, I’ve been to Vegas and I understand that it can be an excitable place, but that amount of screaming is simply unacceptable. They all look up and the wonderful producers of The Bachelor have bought time on a sign! OMG, so romantic! How? I’ll never know. They get to their hotel room, and they’re staying at the Aria, which I’m pissed about, because I super want to stay at the Aria, but anyway, it’s time for the first Date Card of the week. (Editor’s note–the only date card this week? We’ll get to that later.) “JoJo–You set my heart on fire…Ben”. I can’t even say “ugh” to this date card because, spoiler alert, it literally has nothing to do with their date? Maybe it’s a reference to the fireworks? Wow, the producers went a little too niche with the date card this time around.

So it’s time for the date with JoJo and Ben grabs her from the hotel room wearing what can only be described as the favorite outfit of every single boy I went to middle school with at Christ King School in Wauwatosa, WI. CUTE WHITE POLO AND JEANS, BEN! So, they head out on their date and apparently all of their dates need to be on roofs? Rooves? Roofz? Anyway, they walk up onto the roof and there is a single cocktail table with a bottle of champagne and two glasses. Couldn’t they have indulged literally anywhere else? UGH WHATEVER. CLEARLY I HAD SOME ISSUES THIS WEEK. Well the helicopter comes flying up and simply DESTROYS the table. Like flips it over, sends glass flying, potentially real danger here. Luckily, Ben acts fast, uses the table as their shield and instantly starts making out with JoJo. I gotta say, I love their passion, but even this was a little absurd for me. They finally make it into the helicopter and they are very touchy feely and have the kind of passion I was longing for between Ben and Lauren B.. JoJo is even smart enough to move the mics on their headsets so they can properly make out. Cool job, JoJo, I love your innovation.

Okay, so randomly, it’s time for another date card? So soon? Anyway, “Amanda, Jubilee, Caila, Lauren B., Amber, Haley, Emily, Leah, Lauren H., Jennifer, Rachel, Olivia–” THAT’S IT. THEY LITERALLY DON’T READ THE DATE CARD. I THOUGHT NOTHING COULD MAKE ME MORE UPSET THAN THE DUMB PUNS, BUT THIS MIGHT TAKE THE CAKE. Also, since when do all of the women get to go on at least one date every week? It’s been Bachelor tradition for nearly 20 seasons now, that at least one girl gets left out and that causes some drama. They seem to just be scrapping everything, but okay. I don’t know what their date is going to be, but apparently Becca is getting the other one-on-one this week, so I’m excited for her.

We’re back to JoJo’s date, but it’s like over now? It’s already night? They’re already done with dinner? What the heck is happening here, producers? JoJo and Ben have a great talk, in my opinion, and I, unfortunately, learn that JoJo and I have very similar emotional baggage which is fun to see on full display for America. Ben reacts well and is finally not a robot and seems like a real genuine human, which I’m loving. Spoiler alert, but this is the week that I’m finally just on Team Ben. They have passion, as they should, and then they head up TO ANOTHER ROOF. Like, I know people were complaining about dates only with air transportation, but I feel like the bigger issue is the redundancy of roofs this season.

Time for the group date! Yep! We really were done with JoJo’s date! K! Anyway, the largest group of women gathered to date a single man since “Joe Millionaire” show up on the Las Vegas strip and Ben leads them into the theatre for the world famous Terry Fator! Sorry, who? Maybe I’m supposed to know who this guy is, but I’m actually fine with not being up on the latest ventriloquism news. Terry and Ben explain to the girls that there’s going to be a little talent show! Just for Ben? That seems creepy, but let’s move on. I love how instantly the women throw themselves, and each other, under the bus.

“Crap. I have no talent. I have zero talent.”–Lauren B., 2016

By the way, I’m starting to love Lauren B., she’s funny. So the women disperse on the stage and explore the props and costumes that are available to them. The twins are prepared and apparently studied “Irish tap dancing” which is 100% not what it’s called, but we’ll move on. The rest of the women try their darndest to find a talent. All of a sudden, world famous Terry Fator reveals that the talent show will not be just for Ben, but rather, will be the opening act for Terry’s own show which seats 1,200 people each night. I mean, I know they’re on national TV, but this seems like a really scary thing for women who are largely not performers. But they all seem fine with it? Ben’s glorious response to Terry’s reveal:

“Thanks for dating me.”–Ben Higgins, 2016

Why is that not the tagline for this entire franchise? The theatre starts to fill up and not all 1,200 attendees seem to have signed their release, and it’s blurry faces galore, but oh well. The twins are up first and they’re just hard-shoe irish dancing, which is the actual term because my best friend did it growing up, but for some reason they’re wearing dirndls? How is this costume relevant? Anyway, Jubilee plays the cello, Lauren B. juggles, Amanda hula hoops, Caila belly dances, Lauren H. weirdly sings in a chicken costume, Rachel does balloon animals, Leah is a creepy clown, Jennifer does some weird hula hoop/tennis combo, and Amber either did nothing or I hate her so much I forgot to notice. Now. It’s. Time. For. Olivia. Get ready, boys and girls, for the most equally embarrassing and boring talent in all of history. Olivia has her name announced and a large cake is wheeled out and the foley artists added just so many wheel sound effects. So music starts playing and Olivia just pops out of the cake, but not in a way that’s exciting at all, and just starts dancing to this awkwardly slow music. Also, she’s wearing a sequined bikini and pantyhose and not a single shoe? Who put this outfit together? It’s horrendously awkward and I will live forever knowing that I will never do anything that embarrassing. But it’s mostly because she’s embarrassed that I’m embarrassed for her. Olivia–you can do the craziest thing on the planet, but play it off, don’t freak out. Well, she doesn’t listen to me and has a real, actual panic attack, which I legitimately sympathize. Like no one ever wants to have a panic attack, let alone have one on national TV while you’re wearing more sequins than Terry Fator’s puppets. Rachel helps Olivia through and she pulls herself together and she joins the rest of the women for the cocktail party for the night. Man, I already miss Lace. At least when Lace was freaking out, I could just laugh, with Olivia it’s just like I hate her and I hate her personality. Oh well. Anyway, it’s time for the rest of the women to have some camera time. Let’s kick it off with Caila, or as Ben likes to call her, “tigress or sex panther”. Subtle, Ben. I go through ebbs and flows with Caila. Like I think I mostly like her, but also I feel like she is annoying and I definitely don’t see how anyone would classify her as a tigress, but, then again, I’m not making out with her. Honestly, none of the rest of the conversations the rest of the night were in any way interesting. I mean Lauren H. did basically shove her hair in Ben’s mouth when they were making out, but other than that, nothing really. Then it was time for Olivia to talk to Ben one on one. She will NOT stop telling Ben that she’s embarrassed and even he’s like, um, yeah, it was embarrassing, but get over it. She leaves feeling largely dissatisfied which is largely satisfying to me. Oh yeah, Lauren B. and he had a good conversation, but that was to be expected. Ben offers the final rose to Lauren B. and when she accepts I could not stop laughing at poor Amanda who was seated between the two of them and had to endure them hugging over her. Oh man, if that’s not The Bachelor in its entirety, I don’t know what is.

Okay, so we’re back at the beautiful Aria hotel, and no, I’m not saying that facetiously. There’s a knock at the door and in comes a GIANT package for Becca. It comes with a note saying “Get dressed, it’s a big day.” WAIT, was that the date card? Why have no other date cards come with full outfits? WHAT IS HAPPENING, PRODUCERS? Inside her glorious, yet clearly inappropriate package, is a wedding dress that is simply not my taste, but I suppose I don’t need to love a wedding dress that one of these women is being forced to wear on her first date with a man who’s dating 13 other women. Alright, so Becca and Ben end up at the Little White Wedding Chapel and Ben gets down on his knee and says “Becca, will you marry…other people with me today?” Phew. Both Becca and I are thankful we don’t have to marry a man we’ve spent little to no time with. Before I have a chance to really laugh about how much Becca does not want to marry Ben, it’s time for Ben and Becca, who has somehow become an ordained minister in the state of Nevada within 13 minutes, to marry some people. In walks in Travis and Leah, a lovely couple who really, truly seem to love each other. Aww, it’s so precious, they leave happy and we are all just so in awe of Ben’s amazing ability to legally wed. So that’s it, right? NOPE. We have to montage roughly 47 more couples who are getting married today. Is the Little White Wedding chapel running low on staff? Why do these two have to marry just so many couples? Once they’ve concluded marrying as many people as were aboard the Titanic, Ben does actually take Becca to potentially the coolest place I’ve ever seen on this show. No, honestly–future husband, take me on a date in the Neon Museum it’s cool as hell. Ben and Becca have an interesting conversation that basically starts with virginity, so clearly they’re burning through topics quickly and I can’t help but notice that Becca might not have a personality? I mean, I didn’t watch Chris’ season because, as we all should, I hate Chris Soules with the fiery passion of a thousand suns. But she just seems like kind of a bland person. Sweet, yes. Beautiful, yes. But not exactly someone I want to just show up at my house at 9:00am on a Sunday morning with a cup of coffee. (Future husband, if you want to do that, go right ahead, that’s my favorite day of the week, favorite time, and favorite beverage for you all rolled into one.) They make some super weird vows that are just entirely dumb, Becca gets a rose, they return to their separate bedrooms because, as you’ve heard 1,000 times: BECCA IS A VIRGIN. Why we have to talk about this so much, I do not know. Let the girl do what she wants.

It’s mid-day the following day at the hotel and apparently all the girls do is nap, though they did preface the entire episode with explaining how exhausted they were, so I guess I understand that. Anyway, Chris Harrison walks in and WHAT COULD THIS MEAN? He explains to the twins that Ben decided that he wants to spend the entire day with the two of them in their hometown. So they jump in a limo and head to their house because, OF COURSE NOW IS THE TIME FOR HOMETOWNS. WHAT IS THIS TIMELINE, PRODUCERS? WHAT IS HAPPENING THIS SEASON? Anyway, it’s very clear that Ben doesn’t like Haley and the twin’s mom doesn’t seem to like Haley all that much either based on how she’s describing the twins. Even Emily is like “Um, I just need Haley to go home”. All of that is making me think that Haley might be the only good person in this family, but that’s okay. Good for her getting off this show and living her truth. If you haven’t gathered yet, Ben sends Haley packing, or rather, leaves Haley at her home, and he and Emily ride off into the sunset. Does he even like Emily though? Truly wouldn’t be able to tell you based on the 0% interaction I’ve seen them have alone.

Now that we’re officially down to 13, it’s time for Rose Ceremony night. Shoutout to Jennifer for stealing Ben first so that Olivia couldn’t. I’m still hardcore Team Jennifer, by the way. She seems like the most normal one in the bunch and I’d probably love for her to show up with coffee and we could just hang out and be, you know, normal, not crazy girls. Well, their conversation was short lived because of course Olivia shows up to steal him. She brings him to a weird room in the hotel and has a single piece of cake for them to share. Again, she starts apologizing for how embarrassing she was during the talent show and here’s where Ben becomes a tip-top Bachelor for me. He straight up tells her to stop apologizing. YAHS, BEN. I love nothing more than a man who wants a confident, unapologetic woman. Two adjectives Olivia would use to describe herself but clearly not two adjectives anyone else would use to describe her. She’s insecure. She knows it, you know it, I know it. I hope Ben gets over her real quick because she’s just stealing time from my faves. The rest of the conversations are, again, largely uneventful–Caila and he make out some more, Jubilee feels like she’s too complicated for him, some more stuff. I don’t know, see, even I can’t remember what happened at this point in the night and I took actual notes about the episode.

Rose Ceremony time! Congratulations to Amanda, Lauren H., Jubilee, Emily, Caila, Jennifer, Leah, and Olivia! I’m hoping we just maybe chop off those last two in the next episode–Olivia for obvious reasons, Leah because I just am bored by the lack of knowledge I have about her and because her eyebrows are the wrong color. It’s goodbye time for Rachel and Amber, thank god. Rachel handles it well, Amber, the 30 year old Bachelor franchise veteran throws a fit. She’ll be back, I guarantee it. All in all, it was just a weird, seemingly accidental episode, and I’m hoping to get more on track next week. Will JoJo get over her emotional baggage? Will Lauren B. continue to be funny? Will Olivia’s cankles pop out of a different dessert item? Here’s hoping.

Next week on The Bachelor: Mexico! Amanda and Lauren H. both get one-on-ones! Jubilee is going crazy? Nooo! Jubilee, don’t go crazy! Olivia getting called out for being a bitch? Praise. Maybe she’ll guess body parts she hates about herself again. One can only hope. Catch ya next week!

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