The Bachelor: Week 9

Well, folks, I hate to paint with broad strokes here, but THIS IS THE BEST SEASON OF THE BACHELOR AND THE BEST EPISODE OF THIS ENTIRE FRANCHISE TO DATE. I know Chris Harrison always says that this is the “most dramatic season ever”, but, to be honest, he’s right. Ben has 3 women, he tells 2 of them he loves them, all in the lovely scenery of Jamaica, LET’S JUMP IN!

So we open on Ben giving us a rundown of everything that has happened thus far and his fears about what’s to come. He loves Jamaica, I mean, loves it and won’t stop talking about how this place is paradise. Ben talks about how this is the week of “overnight” dates, which is definitely not what they’re called, but okay and he also says that he wants to find his wife while doing the most romantic things. Ah, yes, the most romantic things including making out with 3 separate women, telling multiple women that he loves them, but I digress. I do have to say, though, that Ben seems like super drunk during this whole intro, like maybe he’s just really overwhelmed with the whole situation? I don’t know. Well, here he goes into the recap of all his relationships and me forgetting just very basic things about these women. First up is Caila, and I completely forgot that when she walked out of the limo she just straight up jumped into his arms, which was slightly presumptuous of her, but whatever. Also, I forget just how many emotions I’ve gone through with this girl–I hated her, I kinda liked her, I was bored by her, I got confused by her, and now I just can’t imagine a worse Bachelorette even though that’s seeming like our fate. Ben says that he’s still super confused by Caila, which, same, but I’m wondering how she’s made it this far? Next up is Lauren and Ben says that seeing Lauren for the first time was the closest thing he’s ever felt to love at first sight. I mean, I’ve said it before, but let’s just please throw in the towel, these two are clearly obsessed with each other. Ben goes on to say that he feels like a little school boy with Lauren and ultimately questions if this is too good to be true. Finally is my fave, JoJo, and I completely forgot that JoJo exited the limo on the first night with a unicorn head. Like I guarantee I had sass about it the first night, but knowing JoJo now, I love it. Ben says, though, that JoJo opens up a whole new side of Ben and that he always feels confident around her. His one and only issue with JoJo was everything that happened at her hometown. Once Ben is through detailing basically how much he loves Lauren and tolerates Caila and also loves JoJo even though he has some concerns, they decide to show all of these women in their most natural habitat just staring into the sun and burning their eyeballs and talking about how nervous they are about everything. Oh yeah, and while the ladies do that, Ben is simply just climbing ancient ruins right now in the most natural way.


It’s FINALLY time for the dates now and thank god Caila is first so we can get this over with. Before we go any further, I think it’s important you know that I think Caila is probably a very nice young woman who I could have a lovely conversation with, but I in no way think she makes interesting television nor do I think she should be the Bachelorette. Anyway, I feel I’ve said my peace, so just take everything I say about this date with a grain of salt. Alright, so Ben AGAIN starts this date by saying that he thinks that he and Caila have the deepest relationship, which, definitely no, but they head onto this tiny, tiny raft in complete silence. Like even with my extreme bias, this is truly the MOST uncomfortable date I’ve ever seen in my whole life. Even when Caila talks on this date, though, it’s like just so clearly from a script. Or maybe it’s not. But she sure delivers every line as if it were written for her. I do love, in general, how willing Ben is to talk about anything that is bugging him, and this is a prime example. He just says that something seems like it’s wrong with her even though they finally get to spend an entire day together. They stop in the middle of the jungle, thank god, and I think that perhaps a change of pace will be helpful for this date, so they get some jerk chicken just in the middle of the jungle, but surprise, surprise, Caila is still ruining this date for herself. Like really truly, we devote about 9 pure minutes of broadcast television to watching two people fall out of love with each other. It would be funny if it weren’t so sad. Okay so finally we’re done with the day portion of this date and Ben and Caila meet up at the stunning Sandals resort and just go STRAIGHT away to making out. I mean, Ben does think she’s a sex panther after all. Alright, so I was hoping that we could just leave the horrifying date these two have had in the past, but Ben being the most emotionally available man, just asks why Caila was being such a weirdo all day. She thanks him for noticing that she was weird because she feels like that’s a sign that he really knows her. I mean, also, it could just be that he had to sit with you all day and deal with your weirdness, but SURE, CAILA, IT’S THAT HE KNOWS YOU SO WELL. She goes on to say that she never really acknowledged the other girls until the last rose ceremony and I’m over here just like ,“GURL WHAT DID YOU THINK WAS HAPPENING UP UNTIL NOW?”. She also keeps saying that her past relationships have felt wrong, but finally this one feels right. Obviously she tells him she loves him and thank god Ben doesn’t say it back, but all of a sudden Ben pretends to feel really comfortable in their relationship? Like instantly he’s thinks everything’s fixed and they definitely should spend a night together in the fantasy suite. On the plus side, we get to see the Fantasy Suite card from Chris Harrison which I can only assume there is only one of because all the cards are identical and I feel like it would just be so poetic if Chris only took the time to write out a single Fantasy Suite card for all the women to share. Alright so they enjoy some fireworks in their bathing suits and then presumably go do it and it’s all just so boring and I’m over it. What I’m LOVING this season, though, and honestly they could have done this on the last season of the Bachelor, but as you all know, it was farmer Chris and I have VERY strong feelings about him so I certainly did not watch his season, but I’m loving that they’re showing the morning after. Like finally the women are shown with no makeup and they’re just hanging out and I honestly think it’s just pretty adorable. Anyway, Caila loves Ben and Ben doesn’t love Caila and I wish her the best, but thank GOD this horrifying date is over.


On to Lauren! They make their way onto a boat and I bet Caila is feeling a little jipped, their maritime date didn’t even have sides! Imagine how lucky Lauren must feel! So they get off this boat on this tiny island beach and meet up with Mel, the most fun little British man! Oh how I wish he could have a spinoff just about his life saving baby sea turtles. #MakeMelFamous So Ben and Lauren have the lovely task of releasing these baby sea turtles from their nest in the sand and I’d be as excited as they are until I see these baby turtles. Like if we’re being completely honest, I’m a little afraid of these sea turtles. So basically they watch these baby sea turtles, who look like spiders, let’s be honest, crawl out of their little nest, and then they wash them off and make sure they’re all cool, and then they get to watch them just swim into the ocean and live their little sea turtle life. It’s honestly really cute, minus the part where they clearly strapped a GoPro to one of these helpless little sea turtles, but then Ben and Lauren finally get to chat. They, kind of morbidly, set up a blanket directly on top of these sea turtles’ former nest and really get into it. Ben talks about how he started crying when he was talking to Lauren’s sister and now I’m crying a little. He also is super open with her and just says that he thinks that she’s too good for him, but obviously, she feels the exact same way about him. Once they’re wrapped up at the turtle beach, they go to like a literal backyard Jamaican party and this scene makes me SO thankful I’m not on The Bachelor because my hair, as well as Lauren’s, would not do well under these humid circumstances. Lauren keeps saying that she’s really scared about everything and the last thing that Ben wants is for Lauren to hold her emotions in. Lauren keeps telling Ben that he’s the man of her dreams. Of course she gets invited by Chris Harrison to the Fantasy Suite, which is another part about this Bachelor tradition that’s slightly odd—basically Chris Harrison is inviting these women to do it with one of his friends. It’s REAL WEIRD. They get into the Fantasy Suite and Lauren doesn’t know if she can tell Ben that she loves him and that she’s really needed this time alone with him. Let’s just cut to the chase: she tells him that she’s completely in love with him and then Ben says that HE KNOWS HE’S BEEN IN LOVE WITH HER FOR AWHILE. LIKE OKAY, BAI, THE REST OF THE WORLD AND ETERNITY. AND NOW THEY CAN’T STOP TELLING EACH OTHER THEY LOVE ONE ANOTHER. It’s a glorious, beautiful, wonderful television moment and thank god we get to see some good ole fallin’ in love on this season. We’re not always so lucky! Lauren starts crying and now I’m crying and they just keep telling each other they love each other and then they just close the curtains, though, only sheer curtains are available for some reason, and it’s all just beautiful. I know I said JoJo is my fave, and she definitely is, but I mean, come on, Ben and Lauren are clearly meant to be. They wake up and Lauren says that she feels like she’s waking up to her boyfriend and that she hopes that in a few days she’ll be waking up next to her fiancé. It’s all outstanding until we realize that Ben is about to go on a date the SAME DAY with another woman. I mean, that woman is JoJo, but still, he’s gotta feel a little uncomfortable about that.


Now it’s time for JoJo’s date and Ben says that if he doesn’t know by the end of the date that he’s in love with JoJo, he’ll have to send her home. Okay so a giant BAI to Caila then, I suppose, Ben. JoJo and Ben head up into a helicopter for about the 74th time this season and they fly out to this gorgeous waterfall. Full disclosure, I went to Jamaica once around age 10 and we climbed up a waterfall, or rather, other people climbed up a waterfall while I threw a temper tantrum and my parents had to carry me up the whole way. So, you know, waterfalls aren’t all just rainbows and butterflies and songs by TLC. So Ben and JoJo swim around and jump off the waterfall and they have just such a natural chemistry and I love it. JoJo says that she feels so safe around Ben and that, for her, today is about taking risks. One of those risks, of course, is her telling him that she loves him. Then, HE SAYS HE LOVES HER TOO. Her face says it all. I’m shocked. JoJo’s shocked. I’m sure Chad, her ex-boyfriend, is shocked. They just like full on go at it in the water for the rest of the day, but they love each other so it’s all kosher. JoJo, unfortunately, though, has picked up one of my least favorite habits by calling Ben “babe” constantly now that she knows that he loves her. Ben, of course, keeps cutting in to say that he’s so confused about being in love with 2 women, but that’s just genuinely what he’s feeling. All the while, JoJo is saying that she feels even more safe and excited about their future because of today. I mean, even on this date, too, he won’t stop telling JoJo he loves her and I’m just thinking, WOW, he must really not love Caila. I mean, I guess he knows now. Ben tells JoJo that his biggest hesitation about everything with her is just what happened at her hometown and I can’t help but feel like he’s at least approaching the situation with JoJo at least a little more realistically than he is with JoJo. Like if I had to compare them, and clearly I do, I feel like he’s just super in love with Lauren and ignoring all the little stuff that they’ll figure out later, and with JoJo he loves her because of all the little stuff that they’ve already figured out. UGH THIS EPISODE IS SEVERELY PLAYING WITH MY EMOTIONS. JoJo was scared that Ben was going to run away after her hometown, but Ben says that he wasn’t scared, he just pulls people closer when he’s scared and she hopes that she’ll do that with him, too. He’s the most upfront with JoJo about the Fantasy Suite card and I feel like of all the relationships, theirs is the most like on track to really use the Fantasy Suite. They clearly enjoy their time in the Fantasy Suite and thank god, JoJo gets some opaque curtains, but them waking up seems most natural out of these 3 women. Ben keeps saying that he and JoJo are on the same page and honestly they are so adorable together. They’re very physical and it’s magical and I’m just SO CONFUSED. Ben says that being with JoJo last night was one of the best nights of his life and I’m just over here like WHAT IS HAPPENING ANYMORE? They bid farewell, and I would be remiss if I were not to point out that Ben says I love you on the way out and it’s their final words to each other and I just love them so much. If JoJo doesn’t win, she should def be the bachelorette, ugh but I want her to win, but clearly he and Lauren are made for each other, but ugh, I don’t think I can accurately write the intense feelings I’m having.


So Ben and I are both very confused, but Caila’s not, so she decides to jump in a car and go surprise Ben at his hotel. For some reason, she keeps describing her date as amazing, which it certainly was not, but she seems awfully confident for a woman who hasn’t heard “I love you, too”. Caila runs up behind Ben and surprises him and he is truly genuinely surprised. Like the producers definitely did not tell him that Caila was about to show up. He clearly was not ready to break up with someone, but damn, Caila brought it upon herself. They sit on the beautiful steps of the Sandals resort and Ben breaks her heart. I gotta give it to him, he handles this situation super well and is incredibly open and honest with her. He tells her he really likes her but can’t get to the same place that she’s in and he does in fact love 2 other women. Like he couldn’t help but say it back to the two other women. I mean, it shows how much of a man he is that he’s clearly willing to give this girl some closure. Caila keeps thinking that Ben is feeding her lines, and she’s right, they all do sort of feel like lines, but as a viewer of this show, I, for sure, believe he’s being genuine. They say goodbye and she piles in the car and just looks stunned and they start to drive off but she stops this poor driver. She jumps out again and asks Ben some questions I’d probably have for him, too—did he know this week during their date? Was it anything she did? I mean, these are real, genuine questions and I feel like Ben answered them pretty well. Ben doesn’t want Caila to think that they’re relationship wasn’t real, and finally I’m a little okay with Caila. Like, she’s responding like a human, and does seem to be an independent woman who is okay with asking tough questions and calling someone out when they’ve hurt her. Oh man, then we just watch her weep for a good long while in the car and it’s super sad. She really loved Ben and now he’s gone and I definitely didn’t cry, but I do genuinely feel for this girl. But, she’s gone now, most likely to return as the bachelorette it appears and I couldn’t be more unenthusiastic about it, but oh well.


So now it’s time for the rose ceremony, even though it’ll just be the 3 of them standing around telling each other that they’re in love, so that should be fun. So of course, Ben gives this long speech about how Caila is gone and how he’s glad these two are still here and blah blah blah. First rose goes to JoJo and second goes to Lauren. It must be just extremely awkward for these 3 though, like imagine just knowing that the other girl dating your boyfriend is just chillin’ a couple feet from you, regardless of if the two of you are friends. I don’t know, this season has really brought out how weird this whole process is. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love this show whole-heartedly, but this is the first season, probably ever, where real intense feelings were on the line for so many people. Oh man, only 1 episode left, besides Tell All, of course, but man oh man, this season has been phenomenal.


Next week on The Bachelor: JoJo’s dress is super pretty! Lauren is scared that Ben is in love with JoJo! Lauren is crying in a helicopter! Ben calls someone! WHO WILL HE PICK?


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