Oh my god, you guys, it’s finally time. The Bachelorette has always been my preferred Bachelor Franchise series, but damn am I excited for this season. If you’ve been with me for some time, then you know I picked JoJo as the Bachelorette right around the cooking date where Olivia ate crickets even though no one asked her to. To say I’m thrilled to watch JoJo fall in love again, probably with the younger brother of my home team quarterback, is an understatement. Let’s jump in and meet the weirdest group of men assembled since the made for TV revival of Jesus Christ Superstar starring JC Chasez which was, and I quote, “abruptly cancelled due to lack of interest”.
So, as expected, we open the show with a little recap of what happened on The Bachelor last season, which, if you don’t remember correctly, was just a big mess of “I Love You’s” and crying. Oh, also, JoJo exited the limo on her first night with a unicorn mask completely covering her face. Okay, so we’re whisked away to the beautiful Westlake Village, which apparently is this year’s Warsaw (#PrayFor WestlakeVillage). JoJo is straight up ROCKING a Canadian tuxedo, which is truly impressive foreshadowing, producers, excellent job. And now for the question I will be asking every day until the day that I die—does JoJo use a curling wand? An iron with a clamp? HOT ROLLERS? HOW IS SHE ACHIEVING THESE EFFORTLESS WAVES? Cannot get over that they instantly ruined her perfect hair, though, by placing her on a rock during high tide. She is IMMEDIATELY pummeled by the East Australian Current, which is certainly not accurate, but is the funniest tide joke I could come up with. So once we’ve heard a little about how nervous JoJo is and how falling in love made her realize that she wanted to fall in love, we’re whisked away to the mansion, which is kinda sorta near Westlake Village so I suppose that explains it. At the mansion, of course, are 3 former bachelorettes—Kaitlyn, Ali, and Desiree—which, surprisingly, all ended up with guys that they are currently actually dating and/or married to. Mostly they have pretty good advice including them all wanting her to kiss someone on the first night, which, spoiler alert, SHE DOES. They all kind of want her to ignore whomever she connects with first so she can focus on the other guys, which, I mean, I understand, but don’t really agree with because JORDAN! All in all, I have to say of all the former bachelor(ette)/current bachelor(ette) chats, it was certainly the least annoying, so that gives me hope. Mostly, JoJo is afraid of hurting people’s feelings and not finding the right person, so, you know, just basic human things.
Next up, it’s time to meet (some of) the guys. My mom texted me while she was watching this episode, and asked me if she missed part of the episode since they only go to like 7 people’s hometowns total to do those weird feature things. I mean, it’s a super valid question, it is weird that out of 25 people, the producers chose these guys to show more of their lives because other than Jordan, I’m not that interested. We start with Grant who definitely is super hot, but seems to only be a firefighter. Like, don’t get me wrong, he is a hero and I thank him sincerely for his service, but that is truly all I know about Grant at this point. His personality is firefighting, which is not enough to get me excited, producers. NOW IT’S TIME FOR JORDAN! Spoiler alert, Jordan is going to win and they’re going to have beautiful babies and I’m just so happy for the two of them. So, Jordan Rodgers is the younger brother of Aaron Rodgers who is the greatest quarterback in the game right now and technically I’m his boss. What do I mean, you ask? Well, as a diehard Green Bay Packer fan for my whole life, I was once gifted with the beauty that is a share of the Green Bay Packers. Is this the forum to talk about my part-ownership in a National Football League franchise? Probably not, but anyway, I own a share in the Packers which means I own part of the Packers which means I partially pay Aaron Rodgers which means Jordan and JoJo are meant to be, right? I mean, that’s how it works, I’m sure of it. Anyway, Jordan is perfect minus probably being a dick to his last girlfriend, and also, his pants. I mean for a man with short legs, long torso, he must learn about PROPORTIONS. I’ll forgive him for his horrible skinny jeans as long as he DOES WHAT HE SHOULD AND WINS JOJO’S HEART. Next up is Alex who is just truly a thick person. He’s very short which is not an automatic deal breaker, but does mean that maybe he shouldn’t have compensated for his height by working out so much. Okay, so Alex is a marine, which, again, dude, thank you sincerely for your service, but WHY IS HE WEARING HIS MILITARY GRADE BACKPACK CASUALLY AROUND HIS HOMETOWN. Also, it is truly larger than him, like Jordan has to worry about clothes proportions, but Alex seems to have to worry about, like, accessory proportions. It is worth noting, though, that Alex is a twin, and yet his occupation is not listed as “twin”. At first, I was offended as a woman, that other women are only listed as twins, but then I remembered Emily and Hayley, and it honestly made sense to me. Good on you, producers. Next up is the self-proclaimed Bachelor Superfan James S. who might be in love with Chris Harrison. He has this weird signed photo of Chris Harrison just perched on his bedside and it makes me really uncomfortable. Evan is up next and he’s an Erectile Dysfunction Specialist and also loves penis puns, which, same, but there is no way in any universe that he and JoJo are compatible. I am sure he is a nice guy, I mean, he is a former pastor after all, and he’s certainly not unattractive, but he is definitely not JoJo’s type—of that I’m sure. The thing I can’t get over, though, is that one of his “patients” somehow agreed to put his full body on screen with just a pixelated face which is in no way hiding his identity. I mean, confident man, I suppose. I’m super pumped (no pun intended), though, because Evan is one of several men from my former hometown of Nashville, TN so I actually do know people who know these guys or know of them. I’M TELLING YOU, THIS SEASON WAS REALLY ACTUALLY MADE SPECIFICALLY FOR ME, MARIA WALDKIRCH. Ali’s next and he’s lived in the shadow of his doctor siblings, but still wants to find a way to settle down. I mean, he’s a bartender in Santa Monica, so perhaps that is the place to start. But he’s hot and he plays piano and he’s kinda shy, so jury is still out on Ali’s staying power. Christian is next and all I know is he’s hot and he wakes up at 3:30. Finally is Luke who might be attractive? Like I think I’m supposed to find him attractive and maybe I do? Why does his face not make sense to my brain? But he’s a farmer and he had a long ass feature, so I suppose he’ll stick around for awhile.
Alright, FINALLY, it’s time for the guys to arrive. We’re gonna blaze through most of these unless I find something remotely interesting or attractive about them. First up is JORDAN RODGERS. THE FRONT RUNNER. THE FIRST ONE. UGH I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. Of course they instantly have an incredibly natural chemistry and one of his questions is literally “Are you doing good?”, which, other than the lack of grammar, is incredibly touching to me. He cares about her not about him! Ugh, he’s the best. Also loving how hot JoJo is for Jordan. I love when attractive people find each other, it makes my world make sense. Derek is next and he’s shy so that’s cool, also his eyes are pretty. Grant apparently isn’t going to fall in love with 2 girls, which, duh. James F. walks out and there is INSTANTLY no physical chemistry so that’s cool, also. Robby brought wine and knows her family traditions, which I’m confused by, but he also truly loves suits. Alex is next and is still very thick but MY OH MY is he short. I mean, I knew he was short, but lord are they the same height. Will is next and something about him is really sweet, and I even say that later in my notes about the rose ceremony, but then I remember he did this weird kiss thing that we’ll get to, sooooooo I’m like 30/70 on thinking he’s sweet/worrying about what’s in his basement. So, speaking of my notes, at this point I have written down “I like Chad” which is absolutely 100% untrue. Screw Chad. He’s a horrible person. But I guess at this point in the episode, I liked how physical he was with her and how quietly he spoke, but now I realize that it’s because he thinks women are probably dumb, so that’s not great. Daniel is next, and boy oh boy, is he an adventure of a person. First of all, he references a meme that actually is funny, but throughout the night makes me want to burn every single pair of white Vans in the country. Also, his occupation is Canadian, which is probably what I would think all Canadian’s do for a living if I were the type of woman that Chad thinks all women are. Ali is next and he’s just so damn adorable! I don’t know, I like him. Now it’s time for singer-songwriter James Taylor who will henceforth be known as “The Other James Taylor” who is super sweet, but he’s also really not great at guitar nor singing, but I like his personality, regardless. Jonathan is next and he’s half Chinese and half Scottish so of course he wore a full, traditional kilt. Also he makes some weird joke about how maybe Scottish guys have big peens? Jonathan, that’s not a stereotype. St. Nick is next and it literally took me nearly the full 2 hours to understand that his name actually is Nick—also I’m kinda proud of this guy. He actually pulled off wearing a Santa suit. Not in like a sexy way, but definitely in a way that was like “oh no, I’m not worried that he’s a pedophile, I think he’s just from the Midwest”. You know, that kinda vibe. Chase is also shy and wears mustache glasses and that’s literally all I know about him, Sal wants JoJo to squeeze his balls, Coley is a weird person who’s head makes me feel weird. Brandon the hipster seems like a gross person, Nick S. who was wearing an ascot in his press photo is actually kinda hot, but he randomly does the splits, which is weird. Vinny brought actual toast, Peter wants to be her #MCM, and next is Wells! Look, I think Wells is absolutely gosh darn adorable. He brought friggen All 4 One with him! Also he’s another Nashville guy, so props to him for being adorable, normal, pretty hot, and quite possibly talented. The final two guys arrive sans limo—Christian on a motorcycle and Luke on a horse named Coconut dressed as a unicorn who was done with his shit real quick. Editor’s note: can a horse be dressed as a unicorn?
FINALLY it’s time for the cocktail party and there really isn’t that much that happens. I mean, even looking back, this isn’t a particularly exciting night, of course barring some key moments. JoJo gets to hang out with Alex and Derek and they have perfectly lovely conversations, but nothing to write a blog about. Next is JORDAN. OMG. Guys, I might just have to type in all caps every single time Jordan comes across the screen. He is this year’s Ari for me (Yes, I realize my friends and I are some of the only people on the planet who loved Ari to the extreme level that we did during Emily’s season.). They just really, truly have the absolute most natural chemistry of all time and they’re physical, but not too physical, and they talk about themselves like an equal amount, which is surprisingly hard to find. Honestly, we can just stop the show here. I know I’m not the first person to say this, but I feel as though I’m saying it most passionately—STOP THE SHOW, PRODUCERS, JORDAN HAS WON! Unfortunately, we have to move on from Jordan, for the moment, at least, and she goes and hangs out with Coley, which makes me uncomfortable, and also Will. So Will for some reason has a cootie catcher or fortune teller or whatever the hell you want to call it. I don’t know why, but instantly he basically dares her to kiss him and she does reluctantly and even my face now as I’m typing this is just a little grossed out and scared for JoJo. Like it is really, truly uncomfortable. BUT WAIT. COULD IT BE? IS IT JORDAN IN THE DISTANCE? YES IT IS! OMG, Jordan steals her and I’m just so excited I can’t even build up to this and THEY KISS AND IT IS GLORIOUS AND I’M JUST SO HAPPY FOR THE TWO OF THEM! Heart eyes emojis for days. She’s literally already falling in love with him, you can tell. Also, I love how much she loves his butt. Same, JoJo, same. Ugh, unfortunately again we have to go talk to some other LOSERS, and I mean that in the traditional sense of losing this competition. Right around this point is when Chad starts to become a meninist. She talks to Wells all while All 4 One is just chillin’ behind them which is sweet, but also, I hope these men were paid well. Next is the montage of just men getting plastered which is kinda fun to watch. Basically Daniel tries to explain Damn, Daniel to JoJo and it doesn’t go as planned so he goes and tries to touch another man’s belly button and when the other guy gets pissed, he removes all of his clothes. That last sentence was not a joke in any way, shape, or form, truly that is precisely what happened. Honestly some of the guys are just so far gone at this point and it’s about 30/70 entertaining/sad. While JoJo is recording her confessional, which I didn’t realize until now that they record while the men are just chilling before the rose ceremony. It seems like weird timing, but okay. Anyway, Nick S. comes in and just brings her a lemon water, which is sweet, and sits on this tiny ass bench with her. Like nothing even happens, he just wants to come chill, which I’m kind of on board with. Vinny comes in after and honestly I’m not entirely sure what happened because I’m just embarrassed for the two of them. Like they’re just so drunk. Next Ali looks like a Disney prince while he plays piano beautifully and JoJo gets real turned on, which, same. The Other James Taylor is sweet and charming and I hope that she is attracted to him because I think that would be a fun twist. Luke and JoJo have some weird chemistry thing going on which I’m excited to see more of. Next it’s time for the first impression rose, though, and OF COURSE, she gives it to Jordan and they kiss again and it’s glorious and magical and I just cannot wait to see their babies.
Rose Ceremony time! But wait! Another limo is pulling up! Ugh, it’s just some dumb fake drama aka Jake Pavelka, the man who is maybe a robot, coming to talk to his family friend JoJo and tell her not to focus on the first guy she falls for. I understand he and all the rest of the bachelorettes giving her that advice but COME ON, IT’S JORDAN, GUYS! Alright, enough with the fake drama, it’s rose time! Congratulations to Luke, Wells, The Other James Taylor, Grant, Derek, Christian, Chase, Alex, Robby, Brandon, James F., Ali, Nick B., Will, James S., Vinny, Evan, and Daniel! Also a big bai to Coley, Peter, Nick S., Sal, and Jonathan. I will truly not miss a single one of you.
THIS SEASON ON THE BACHELORETTE: Holy shit, this looks dramatic. Every single man falls in love with JoJo, they all hate Jordan because they’re jealous, obvi, and Chad is a truly terrible person who I think may just be the first ever to be kicked off this show for harming another person. Also, shout out to Grant and Robby who are both gonna make it really far, apparently! Not as far as Jordan, though, of course! See y’all next week, friends!