It’s the week of Chad, and it looks like it might be the season of Chad this year, which I have some feelings about. JoJo makes out with literally everyone so I didn’t even bother noting when she was kissing someone because it was truly a near perfect score. But, no matter, let’s jump in and hate Chad together!
So we open and JoJo is apparently staying in Westlake Village, that wasn’t just a staged place in week one. Does anyone else remember when the Bachelor or Bachelorette used to just stay in the guest house of the mansion? Only me? Okay, great. There’s something so precious about watching 20 guys get really excited about maybe going on a date! Except for Chad. Chad does not get excited by anything other than a fully stocked crafty table. Chad is annoyed because he thinks that none of these guys are used to dating attractive women, which, you know, makes literally no sense at all, but okay. Editor’s note: I will be going back and forth with whether or not I find Chad funny. I mean, it’s clear he hates women and is a horrible person, but also, he is slightly entertaining. Anyway, Wells looks hot in his hat, and, to be honest, most of these guys look hot now. Like, why did they look so terrible in their press photos and in the first week? Am I just slowly being wooed by the American Broadcast Company? I’m just going to let you know right now, the date cards this year are boring. Truly and completely uninteresting, but anyway, it’s time for the first one: “Luke, Grant, Will, Evan, Daniel, Vinny, Ali, James F., Wells, and Robby—Let’s heat things up, “Heart” JoJo”. Oh yeah, Evan has apparently never seen the symbol for a heart and thought that meant the word ‘love’, but, sure, it’s signed “Heart, JoJo” Evan, sure. So it’s time for the first date and a limo pulls up and there is a real actual fire that I believe to be an actual danger to these men. Luckily, JoJo pulls up just in time and uses the horrifically dirty water from this fire truck to put out this fire. Seems like a good use of natural resources during our severe drought in southern California—good on you, producers. So this random group of men (why is Vinny here?) head out to do a real, actual firefighter’s training which is just simply so physically exhausting and the last thing I think would be a good idea for a date. Truly no chance for even the slightest moment for conversation.
Meanwhile, at home, Chad decides to pack his bags with gallons of protein powder (no exaggeration), tie the suitcase around his waist, and do some pull-ups in the outdoor lattice. You know, as one does. Luckily, James S., the self proclaimed “Bachelor Superfan” is actually an incredibly funny human and I actually think he’d like my recaps. But, he notes that watching Chad do pull-ups with his suitcase in this “revolutionary way” is a “gift from above”. Couldn’t agree more, James S., couldn’t agree more.
Meanwhile, back at the fireman’s Olympics, Grant, the real, actual fireman, is unsurprisingly doing pretty well whereas Wells may be dying on national television. Poor buddy. Canadian Daniel makes a weird hose joke which might be about penises but might just be a Canadian colloquialism? Who’s to know, really. Wells does nearly die, like actually, but that does mean that he and JoJo get to hang out for a little bit, and to be completely honest, they don’t have the most natural of chemistry in that moment, but I suppose it could be because they’re both wearing roughly 83 pounds of fire protection and also the other guys are no more than 15 inches away from them.
Back at the house, the men, lead by Other James Taylor, write potentially the worst song that has ever been written in human history because ABC didn’t want to dole out the cash for any form of licensing. The lyrics to this song are literally just “JoJo”. Wow, am I deeply uninterested in checking out Other James Taylor’s other music, now. Bad move, bud. You’re still a cool dude, but my god these songs are bad. While most of the guys are jamming out to the musical equivalent of “Meet the Deedles”, Chad is eating steak and standing in a kitchen with no less than a piece of fruit per inhabitant of Iceland.
We’re whisked back to the beautiful parking lot somewhere in the north valley of Los Angeles where Wells is clearly still trying to regain his strength, but is asked instantly to suit back up and run a full obstacle course. Also Luke and Grant get to do it, too. But, like, really, if Grant doesn’t win, he should immediately be let go from his job. Luckily, the city of San Francisco is safe, because, of course, he does win, but Luke is pissed about it. Though, why? Luke, you lost a firefighting competition to a real, actual professional firefighter. I’d say you could cut yourself some slack, bud. For the cocktail party, they head to the beautiful Level Furnished Living somewhere in downtown Los Angeles which is a place no one has ever heard of, but the rest of the guys get to chill while Grant enjoys his reward of spending time with the woman he’s expected to propose to in 6 weeks. They actually are kind of cute together other than the fact that he already says that he’s gonna tell JoJo he loves her every morning. Nothing really of interest, I mean, they’re just two hot people enjoying hanging out with each other’s hotness, which, don’t get me wrong, is fine by me, but I’m not super invested in the two of them yet. I do love how much JoJo loves to kiss people, though. I mean, I’ve said it before, but denying that physical chemistry is a huge part of a relationship is dumb and I’m glad she’s figuring out who she’s attracted to in every sense of the word.
Time for the second date card! “Derek—Love is full of choices…Love, JoJo”. You know, ‘LOVE, JOJO’, Evan, as it is meant to be interpreted. Jordan, who unfortunately does not get much screen time this episode is sad that he didn’t get the one on one, which I’m a little sad for, too, but it also means that he’s gonna get one later in the season, which is much more valuable, IMO.
Next up to chat with JoJo is James F. who absolutely, without a doubt, NEEDS to stop wearing these white undershirts with a high collar. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad he’s protecting his precious short sleeve plaid linen shirts, but DUDE, get a v-neck or something, it is NOT a good look. Wells gets to chat with JoJo next and honestly they have such a sweet, cute conversation. They just joke around and talk about his bloodhound and also she says that him wearing a beanie is hot. I don’t know, I mean, I think we all know Wells isn’t going to win, I think she likes a slightly more athletic man, but I’m really gosh darn excited to get to watch him every week be a sweet, normal, funny guy. Luke is up next and I think my brain has decided that he is, in fact, attractive, and instantly they are very physical with each other. Much like JoJo was with Ben, they just love touching each other, which I always enjoy watching. They talk about past relationships and that he was in the military and then they go make out on the balcony and tbh Luke seems like an extremely good kisser. Like, woof, yes, Luke. I would assume that she talks to some other men that night and we may even see her doing so, but I honestly can’t remember, so it’s time for the rose. I honestly didn’t know who was going to end up with the rose, it seemed like a pretty even race between Grant, Luke, and Wells, in the rose department, obvi not the firefighting thing because GRANT IS A REAL FIREFIGHTER. Wells ends up with the rose, which I’m happy about. To be honest, I’m more invested in Luke, but also, it’s a reality show and sometimes I forget. Woops!
Derek’s date is up next! He’s really sweet and seems kind of shy and I’m interested to see this just because I don’t really see JoJo with a shy man, but who knows. When she comes into the house, Wells is wearing a beanie, OBVIOUSLY, because he’d be dumb not to now that he knows that she thinks that’s hot. So Derek and JoJo go on their date of choices and if we’re being honest, I think this might be the best date there ever has been on the Bachelor franchise. It’s just so cute! They have to make a series of decisions and end up somewhere, I mean, come on, that’s adorable! They end up in San Francisco and I’m wondering where the “South” choice would have led them. I’m assuming either Anaheim, California, or Tijuana, Mexico, both not stellar choices for this show, so good on you, JoJo and Derek, for listening to the producers and ending up in San Fran! They kiss quite far from the Golden Gate Bridge even though that’s where they were told they were going to be and it’s sweet, but there clearly isn’t any real passion between them.
At the house, there are MORE horrific JoJo songs and also Daniel and Chad have forged a friendship! They bond over their belief that nice guys are not nice which is not really an opinion but is just a string of words they could spit out in between sips of their protein shakes. Speaking of protein shakes, they literally use protein shakes as an analogy. For what? I could not tell you, I simply did not follow a thing they were saying, but I am weirdly on board for the two of them being friends. Love in a hopeless place and all that, I guess. The last date card of the week comes, though: “Jordan (OBVIOUSLY FIRST), Christian, Nick, James T., Alex, and Chad—Prove your love to me, and the nation…Love, JoJo”. Umm, okay. So I guess Ali and Chase don’t get dates. Is that it though? Honestly I felt like one more guy didn’t get a date but I’m too uninterested to figure it out. Let me know if you know who I’m missing. Anyway, Chad is pissed that some of the guys are pissed that they didn’t get dates because it’s not like they knew JoJo before so they shouldn’t be annoyed now that they don’t get to hang out with her. Umm, okay, Chad, sure, you seem like a great guy in which to invest any time at all.
Derek and JoJo are headed to dinner now, and I’m honestly not sure if they’re still in SF or if they’ve already gotten back to LA. Derek is really hesitant to open up and JoJo opens up by telling him about her relationship with Ben. Derek eventually says that he was cheated on and honestly screw anyone who is still cheating on someone they’re dating. Like how is that still a thing? I’m obsessed with JoJo during this dinner, though, she’s talking like a real human and not like a robot and I’m just so thrilled that she’s the bachelorette. Derek gets a rose and honestly I’m excited for him. They aren’t going to make it too far, but, again, I think he’s sweet and they do have a natural friend chemistry so I’m glad that’s one less rose for a guy I have truly no feelings about.
It’s time for the final date of the week and they end up at ESPN. They’ve apparently found the one time in history that simply no one is at the ESPN building. I mean the floor they’re on is empty. They show up on the set of Sports Nation, the arguably least popular sports show, but no matter, they find out that JoJo loves sports, so, girl after my own heart. We’re treated to some unbelievable graphics revealing that the men will be playing a game called “Bachelor Nation” and the two hosts of this show whose names I didn’t bother learning, will be giving them power rankings at the end. The first task involves a touchdown dance utilizing a COMICALLY large rose. It’s kinda fun, Jordan gets a rug burn because he goes for it in true front runner style. Chad can’t do a cartwheel and someone says he looks like a protein shake in a blender. Oh! Just realizing it’s James S. that doesn’t get a date either! Maybe because I’m realizing it seems like something he’d say and I’m pissed it wasn’t him. The next challenge they have is to spin around 10 times and then find their way to JoJo and propose to her. I mean, I love America’s Funniest Home Videos as much as the next guy, but it doesn’t seem like a productive activity to get to know a guy. Chad just phones it in, though, and then calls JoJo ‘naggy’, in a way that could only be described as truly offensive. The final thing they have to do is give a weird fake press conference about how it went today. Other James Taylor won’t stop singing, and it’s not getting any better. Jordan and JoJo just are the world’s most adorable couple and they are simply the most natural people together ever. Chad’s up next and he doesn’t apologize for saying anything but he just thinks everyone in the house in the house is there for the wrong reasons, which, just like statistically, Chad, that’s just not true. I mean, he does have a point in some of what he’s saying, but also, shut up, Chad. Alex is getting on my nerves a little bit, he’s a bit of a sensitive Sally. While we watch the power rankings be revealed, I can’t help but notice that not a single producer has bought Jordan a new pair of jeans this week?? FOR WHY, PRODUCERS? HELP A GUY OUT! We apparently don’t care about numbers 4-6 because we never find out who held those spots, but Alex gets number 3, Chad gets number 2 obviously, and Other James Taylor lands the number one spot. He is a really sweet guy, so I guess I’m happy for him. They all head to the Houdini Estate, which is a place I didn’t realize I wanted to go to until now. Alex seems like he’s lost 10 pounds between the date and now, but maybe he’s just wearing an outfit that better hides his thickness. Other James Taylor and JoJo run off and he reads her this really sweet poem that makes her and me cry because it’s very clear that he actually really cares about her and is taking this whole thing really seriously. She talks to Alex next and they sit in a comically large chair to highlight his smallness. Jordan is there and I thought maybe we would be treated to watching them date, but alas, the producers are cruel and do not want to gift us with watching the perfect couple too much this week. Chad and JoJo go talk next and instantly he accuses her of taking things the wrong way. That’s like when someone is being an asshole and they’re just like “Well, you just don’t understand my humor” and it’s like, no dude, you’re just a jerk. I do like, though, that JoJo serves it right back to him and is totally honest with him. I love that JoJo meets each guy wherever he’s at, like she really is a perceptive and charismatic person, I love it. We do find out that Chad’s mom died just 6 months ago, which is truly heartbreaking and maybe does put some of this stuff in perspective. I mean, I’ll never condone being an asshole, but maybe I can understand why he’s so much of an asshole right now. Not saying it’s right, just saying it might make a little bit more sense. Other James Taylor gets the rose for the night and unfortunately we don’t really get to see Jordan anymore which I’m so sad about.
Alright, it’s cocktail party time and JoJo’s makeup is on point. Chad randomly is just sitting outside waiting for her like a stalker when she drives up in the limo. They have some weird conversation and it’s very clear that JoJo isn’t entirely comfortable with it. I mean, Chad is about to do a lot of shady stuff, so all I’m going to say is, I understand that he doesn’t want to follow any rules in how he falls in love, which I get, but his complete lack of care for this being a reality show with rules is actually infuriating. I’m not faulting him for what he’s doing, but just for not admitting that he knows exactly what he’s doing and he’s blatantly disrespecting JoJo and the other guys, but I digress. They finally make it into the house and Chase tries to steal her even before she’s done with the toast for the night. He takes her next to the fire and has this whole winter scene set up for her and it’s honestly really sweet. I was not expecting that at all from him. Meanwhile, Chad is eating literally everything in the house. If I were just judging him on his eating habits, I have a feeling that he and I would get along very well. But, I’m not, so let’s get back to hating him. Will and JoJo randomly just TP the mansion for some weird reason? Chad interrupts and he literally has no sense of humor. JoJo thinks Chad is mysterious, but unfortunately, the deeper down you go, the more asshole you find. I mean, she doesn’t really have any conversations of note with any of the guys, mostly we just watch Alex and his cronies gang up on Chad. Alex annoys me in this episode, like, dude, you’re old enough to know that he’s just trying to get a rise out of you, just let him eat cheese and ignore him. They get weirdly aggressive and it’s not all that fun to watch. Chad wants to punch Alex, the rest of the guys just kind of stand there silently and it’s all a bunch of drama I don’t care about because JOJO IS JUST NOT INVOLVED. Come on, just throw a girl a bone and cut to Jordan and JoJo making out or something. Whatever, it’s time for the rose ceremony now. Congratulations Alex, Christian, Robby, Luke, Chase, JORDAN, Grant, Ali, Daniel, James F., Nick, Vinny, Evan, and Chad. Bai Will, Brandon, and James S.! Oh, wait did Brandon not get a date either? Ugh, I don’t care. I will genuinely miss James S., though, surprisingly, he was funny.
Next week, there are 2 EPISODES! Jordan and Luke and Other James Taylor will all get one on ones, Chad eats directly from a knife and then instantly he’s gonna physically harm another person. Until next week, folks, may you find the Jordan for you. Bai!