According to abc.com, this is Week 3: Pt. 2, not Week 4. My bracket and I are so confused! Previously on The Bachelorette, aka last night, Chad grunts a lot and is a horrible person. Also, Chris Harrison was in charge of handling things. Let’s see how that went.
As mentioned last time, Chris Harrison’s attempt to draw the line on Chad’s aggression was just him politely asking Chad if he can go and talk to the guys about the issues they’ve been having. Way to go CH, you tell ‘em. Again, we open with Robby being a really sexy person and I just had no idea. While I’m staring at Robby, Chad is giving the worst apology known to man. Luckily Wells speaks up and basically is just like “Dude, we don’t care, we hate you, you’re the worst, BAI!”. When I can peel my eyes away from Robby, I’m also noticing that Other James Taylor has simply the largest bicep tattoo in history? Does not seem in character. Though, I’ve only known the guy for 3 weeks, so, you know, he could be a large tattoo kinda guy deep down. This “apology” is mostly just Chad being an absolute nightmare of a person and I’m just watching amazed at how much I can hate one person that I have never met in my life and Evan is there instigating again and I hate Evan now, too, but in a different way. Luckily, JoJo is on her way so we’re almost done dealing with this horrible situation. OF COURSE, as JoJo pulls up, Chad is waiting there at the door and I’m honestly concerned for her safety, this does not look fun. She’s also the most petite person I’ve ever seen in my whole life. Thankfully, JoJo finds away to escape Chad and make it into the mansion to start the pool party. They do this weird montage of all of the guys jumping into the pool including James F., who, for some reason, is jumping into the pool in full suit and tie even though no one asked him to. Evan starts bleeding–the altitude may be getting to be a bit much for this guy. Next, though, JoJo and Jordan sneak away and she jumps in his arms and they are just the cutest ever. They literally can’t keep their hands off each other and I just love watching them so much. Jordan tells JoJo that it’s not an act, he really does like her and I’m just so thrilled. MAN, are they giving Jordan a hero’s edit if I’ve ever seen one. And, no, I haven’t looked at Reality Steve, I’m just living in this wonderful dream world where Jordan is obviously going to win and I have to wait 7 more weeks to confirm it. JoJo goes around and talks to all the guys while Chad looks on and eats at the edge of the pool alone. It’s real creepy. She chats with Derek who tells her he had to move rooms because he didn’t feel safe in the room with Chad. Also, she talks with Robby, which means I get to stare at him for a little while longer. During this whole pool party, I’m noticing that casting this season was focused on finding men with the largest tattoos possible. I’m not against it, it’s just a really bold choice. Chad, of course, overheard Derek telling JoJo so he pulls him aside and basically just attacks him. Derek, being the wonderful person that he is just doesn’t put up with his shit and says that if JoJo directly asks him about Chad, he’s going to say what he thinks and also that Chad threatened him to not say anything about him. YAHS, DEREK, YOU GO.
FINALLY, it’s time for the rose ceremony. JoJo is wearing an interesting 2 piece dress, which I don’t love but also don’t hate, but I’m also reminded that she’s just the most natural person ever and we’re so blessed that she is our Bachelorette this season. Congrats to Grant (wearing Newsies style suspenders for some reason), Derek, Jordan (OMG SHE CAN’T HIDE HER SMILE ABOUT HIM), Luke, Robby, Wells, James F., Vinny (why tho), Daniel, Alex, and Chad. Bai to Christian, Nick, and Ali! Awww, I kinda liked all 3 of you! Good riddance, though. Nick, if you’re ever in LA, sincerely I’d probz like to hang out with you—we could visit Ali’s bar in Santa Monica! While I dry my tears, the rest of the men are just absolutely livid that Chad got a rose, and I am a little bit, too, but also looking forward to the blow up that is about to happen in the rest of this episode. JoJo announces that they’re leaving the drama behind and leaving the mansion for good!
First stop, Nemacolin, Pennsylvania! Ummmmm, ok. Where the heck is this place and WHAT the heck is this place tho? JoJo got a haircut, though, and it looks really fresh and clean! I love her! The men drive into this weird city in Pennsylvania in Jeeps and OF COURSE Jordan is driving one because he’s the perfect human man. But, actually, this place looks amazing, so I take back everything bad I ever said about Nemacolin, Pennsylvania. My notes at this point just say “I LITERALLY LOVE THIS SEASON SO MUCH I CAN’T HANDLE IT”. I’m not joking, guys, this season is bomb, mostly thanks to JoJo being a perfect person and Jordan, you know, being the best person for her.
Time for the first date card! “Luke—I like you very mush…Love, JoJo”. Can you say “spoiler alert”????? Can’t wait to watch them dogsled, which, I’m also jealous of. Cut to them on the dogsled, obvi, and I super want JoJo’s scarf it looks really cozy and warm. She and Luke end up in the middle of the woods with a wood-fueled hot tub? Is that how you’d describe it? Anyway, it’s the dirtiest goddamn hot tub in the entire world because it’s uncovered IN A FOREST, but Luke is asked to chop the wood to make the hot tub hot. Thank god, he does it very, very well. They get into the hot tub after some time, as, you know, they’re entering a literal kettle and it needs to cool off for a minute or two. But I’m really loving Luke in this date, he’s just so quietly confident and is also proud that he’s lived a full life. Dude, that’s like my goal in this life, way to go, Luke. Also, he lives in Nashville now? Is anyone on this season not from Nashville or hasn’t lived there for a time? They don’t make out that much, though, and I’m a little disappointed. I learned from Week 2 that Luke seems to be a real good kisser, so I’m looking forward to this night.
Back at the cottage/house/Nemacolin hotel place, the guys have deduced that the other two dates are going to be a group date and a two-on-one date. Alex says that the only thing worse than a two-on-one would be a two-on-one with Chad. What says Chad? Well, he’s busy thinking that JoJo is saving him for last and also calling himself the “Chad Bear”. Another date card arrives: “Derek, James T., Daniel, Chase, Wells, Vinny, James F., Evan, Grant, Jordan, Robby – We. Could. Go. All. The. Way. Love, JoJo” DUDE! DUUUUUUDE! IF YOU’VE READ MY RECAPS THEN YOU KNOW! DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE IT’S FOOTBALL! God, I love this season. Now that the guys know that Alex and Chad, of course, are going on the two-on-one date, Jordan says that Alex is a “true American hero” for having to deal with that. Can’t say I disagree.
We’re back with Luke and JoJo as they enjoy the finest dining Nemacolin, Pennsylvania has to offer. I notice during this that Luke has simply THE largest hands. Just wanted to point that out. JoJo asks Luke how he’s so relaxed and confident. Luke instantly opens up and says that he got recruited to play football at West Point and it was a challenge for him because it was really rigorous and he wasn’t prepared for everything. He says that life means a lot to him because of what he went through in war—he lost a good friend in action and it really matured him. Man, am I on the Luke train now. I love how well Luke knows Luke, that’s crazy attractive. He also mentioned that adjusting to life after war was hard because he had to reconnect with his emotions—being emotional in combat is not good. Geez, it’s stuff like that that you never think of, but my god. Honestly, thank you to Luke for sharing his experience. Luke gets the rose and they make out and I love how much they love to make out with each other. My only hesitation with these two is I’m not sure if they can be really silly and goofy, that seems like such a big part of JoJo’s personality, I’ll be interested to see if they can be not serious sometimes. So, now that he has the rose, I’m expecting a personal concert, and, like, it kind of is in that they get to stand on stage with Dan + Shay, but also there are a few hundred people there just chilling and having to watch them make out. I’m honestly super uncomfortable with the whole thing. Whatever. Not my date.
Finally, it’s time for the FOOTBALL DATE! Omg, I’m so FLIPPING excited. So they’re in Pittsburgh because apparently there was only one date’s worth enough things to do in Nemacolin, Pennsylvania. For some reason Ben Roethlisberger is there even though, you know, he’s allegedly sexually assaulted multiple women, but Hines Ward and Brett Keisel are there as well. So Roethlisberger asks JoJo who were favorites are and she says, first, that Chase is, that James Taylor is the nicest man in the world, JORDAN IS, and then she mentioned Evan? Like, there’s just no way. So the boys are put on 2 teams and Jordan gets to play all-time quarterback. Whichever team wins gets to spend more time with JoJo at a cocktail party tonight. PRAISEBE FOR JORDAN BEING ON BOTH TEAMS SO EITHER WAY HE GETS TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH JOJO. The game is actually pretty good, I mean, Vinny is surprisingly good and for drama, James Taylor gets hit in the head with the ball and needs stitches. He refuses them for some time though and I literally GUT LAUGHED when they cut to a shot of James Taylor saying he’s going to play without stitches in the world’s most comically large head bandage with dried blood running down his face. Also, yeah, Chase is super hot. Wells is also SURPRISINGLY amazing, like little guy can catch and run. Evan says that he spells win “E-V-A-N” which doesn’t even remotely make sense. He starts bleeding again, which is cool. Robby is a Greek God, Derek is pretty excellent, and Team Blue ends up with a win! The losers go back to the place in Nemacolin and the winners get to hang out with JoJo for the night. First up to spend some time with JoJo is Robby who is HOT. She says to him that she feels like they’re making progress even though they haven’t had that much time together. Robby says that he agrees and that he’s falling in love with her. After that, Robby takes her over to the pool table and they literally just make out for a long time, which is kinda fun. JoJo says that Robby makes her feel sexy which is fun and Robby says that he doesn’t know if they talked more or kissed more, which, same. Next up in Maria’s dream date, Jordan and JoJo go off to talk. Ugh, I just love how physically close to each other they sit. JoJo is concerned, though, because Jordan isn’t very vocal about how he feels. He says that it takes him a little bit more time for him to open up to people. Then, suddenly, they’re leaving wherever they are and I cannot help but flash back to Ben Higgins and Lauren just fleeing where they were in Mexico and going to makeout around the city. EERILY SIMILAR AND HOPEFULLY WITH A SIMILAR ENDING! Jordan and JoJo end up outside by a fountain to make out a little bit and without the cameras just shoved in his face, Jordan finally tells JoJo that he’s falling for her and it’s exactly what JoJo wanted to hear and it’s exactly what I wanted to hear obviously. They’re probably ripped apart by producers and forced to head back to the other guys. Sigh. But I love that when JoJo re-enters the room, Robby stands for her like a true gentleman. YAHS CHIVALRY. How funny would it be if Vinny got the rose right now. Like seriously how funny. Jordan gets the rose, PRAISE, and Robby is nervous now for the rose ceremony. I feel a little bad for the guy, I mean, Jordan knows he’s staying forever, I actually would have been cool with him getting the rose!
Back in Nemacolin, it’s time for the final date card: “Chad + Alex, Let’s get lost…Love, JoJo.” Um, okay. Chris Harrison also wrote a note to explain the logistics of this date, in rhyme of course. According to Chris Harrison, “Into the woods two of you go, only one of you comes home” or something like that. All I know is that it rhymed and it was a dumb card. Luke asks Chad a ton of questions like “why are you a dick” and “can you not” and stuff like that. Chad, obviously, doesn’t answer. Then they’re asked to raise their hands if they have a problem with Chad which I think is hilarious and literally all of them raise their hands, it’s so weird. Either now or earlier (can’t remember exactly, too distracted to check for sure), Chad literally threatens Jordan and says that he’s going to find him after the show and harm him and it’s horrible and CHAD IS THE WORST EVER.
Finally it’s time for the two-on-one to end all two-on-ones. I need to tell Alex though that he doesn’t ALWAYS have to wear his fatigues. Like, I thank him for his service, I’m sure he knows I mean that, but, there are other pant options. I also love how much the guys love Alex and each other. THIS IS WHY THE BACHELORETTE IS BETTER THAN THE BACHELOR. These guys just love each other, other than Chad, obviously. So the guys take a helicopter to a small field and JoJo is waiting for them wearing a truly STELLAR outfit. They’re going to go hiking through what I assume is Nemacolin, Pennsylvania and it looks really pretty and fun. While they’re walking through the forest in total and complete silence, Chad says that he feels like he and JoJo have something that can’t be matched with any of the other guys in the house. I’m sorry, WHAT. In what world, Chad Bear? They end up by this river and sit and in front of this tiny blanket for 3 is a single slice of wood with a single rose laying on it. They also have these fun camping mugs that I super duper want, I just never want to go camping. Hopefully that’s not a requirement to own the mugs. Alex and JoJo head out into the woods to chat and it’s revealed that Chad threatened Jordan and JoJo is NOT cool with it. Instantly, she’s super pissed and wants to address the situation. Another guy spending his time with JoJo talking about another guy. USEFUL. But JoJo goes and talks to Chad and he says that he doesn’t think that he’s an aggressive child. She calls him out for acting like a child, I love it. He gets pissed and throws his PRECIOUS camping mug in the river and I’m pissed about it. JoJo goes off into the woods to figure out how she feels about everything and she starts crying and I’m SO PISSED at Chad for making her cry. How dare you, Chad Bear. I have to give her credit for wanting to see the good in people, but no, this man is a true asshole. Chad is busy whistling in this really creepy horror movie way and then walks up to Alex and just says that he is “not very happy” with him. It’s all terrifying to be honest. Also, Alex looks super hot during this date. I wish he were taller, just personal preference, but, damn, he’s looking good. We also learn that Chad is a former Marine which maybe I knew, but it would only make sense that he and Alex would get along and even these two are surprised that they don’t. Chad wants Alex to have a glass of milk, which is absolutely, positively hilarious. The weird conversation ends with someone saying “eggs in the barn”? Wut? I gave up on trying to understand it as soon as Chad expressed his love for milk. So JoJo comes back from the woods and asks Chad directly to his face if he’s ever threatened anyone and he says he had so she says BAI. Alex breaths a literal sigh of relief, Chad gets pissed, and JoJo and Alex walk off into the sunset of Nemacolin, Pennsylvania. We cut back to the rest of the guys in the house and there is literal cheering and party poppers and streamers when they see Chad’s bags getting picked up instead of Alex’s. JoJo and Alex get cozy by a fire while Chad just walks around the woods whistling and looking real creepy. We close with a shot of him whistling and tapping his fingers against the door of the house the guys are at. IT’S SUPER CREEPY.
NEXT TIME ON THE BACHELORETTE: I’m very scared for JoJo, some crazy shit is about to go down, JoJo is crying, Jordan is comforting her, and Chad is somehow let back into the house. Until next time, kids!