FOUR HOURS OF THE BACHELORETTE? HOW ARE WE TO FUNCTION? Woof, this was a crazy week filled with 2 full episodes of Chad. Thank god that’s behind us. I am interested to see how many rose ceremonies we’re going to get this week though, will it be none? Will it be nine? Did Jordan win already? Let’s get into it.
We open back at the Bachelorette mansion and it is just a complete and total disaster. Chad has left his meat simply EVERYWHERE and Chris Harrison has been tasked with cleaning up the toilet paper that Will and JoJo threw at the entranceway. A complete and total breakdown of humanity. Evan is still pissed at Chad and says that he has two sides to him: douche and asshole. I can’t disagree, but I also don’t love Evan. That’s the thing about Chad. Yes, he’s a horrible person, but the some of these guys are being really annoying about it and just won’t stop bugging him so now I hate those guys. While Evan complains some more about a grown man, Chad is busy counting calories wrong, which, you know, only makes sense. He’s also drinking what appears to be anti-freeze which I would not put past him because he does not seem like the brightest bulb. This week, Chris Harrison says, there will be three dates – one group date and two one-on-one dates. Being REAL generous with these one-on-ones this season, producers. Can’t say I hate it. First date card reads “Chase—Let’s get physical. Love, JoJo”. YES PLEASE! If you’ve been reading my last two recaps then you know I was initially bored by Chase, then he did the snow thing and now he’s cute, and now, in this episode, damn, he’s hot. Chase and JoJo run off and they’re literally just doing hot yoga, which is seemingly the most uncomfortable date idea thus far. They meet this yoga instructor who has what is not a name but is probably made up of the syllables Chad might be able to muster while working out. The yoga instructor INSTANTLY judges these two for not having banged yet while she shows them this weird tantrum exercise which involves just laying on the floor while making sounds I didn’t think were allowed on network television. JoJo and Chase are embarrassed by everything, and yeah, I would be slightly, too, but it’s so obvious JoJo wants to get it on with Chase now. Next, the yoga instructor straight up asks JoJo to climb on Chase to which she says, “I’ve never mounted someone on a first date”. Then, damn, they get to literally just breath into each other’s mouths for about 20 minutes and you see Chase physically unable to avoid kissing her anymore so they make out while this yoga instructor is just chilling behind them. To be honest, it’s real fun to watch, and now Chase loves yoga, so I’d call this a win-win. They end up at this really pretty vineyard, which I’m now making it my mission to go and find, and they are at the teeniest tiny table for two talking about their experience with the “yim yam” or whatever the weird tantrum thing they did earlier. They get into it almost instantly and Chase is clearly a very open guy. He wants to know what he can do to make sure that she remembers him throughout this whole thing. FINALLY, A VALID QUESTION. He comes from a family of divorce so he thinks getting engaged is a scary situation regardless of if it’s happening after 6 weeks of knowing someone. JoJo finds it really attractive that he’s taking this whole thing so seriously. Right about now in the date is where I can’t decide if Chase is a secret genius with a really dry sense of humor or if he might actually just be a very monotone person. A hot monotone person who likes kissing JoJo, but, juries still out on whether or not this guy has a personality. He gets the rose, which yes obviously, and then they head out to go to A PERSONAL CONCERT. Oh man, oh man, oh man, how I hate the personal concert. Charles Kelly is playing, which I think my friend Erin was excited about, but I don’t follow country music so I can’t be excited. Oh, I just googled it and apparently he was in Lady Antebellum? Cool, I guess. When can friggen SIA show up for one of these personal concerts, I mean, she was at the Survivor reunion this year. Anyway, they dance and make out and try to avoid eye contact with the pigtailed electric guitar player. Also, Chase needs a better fitting shirt. His style kinda reminds me of Ben Higgins—clearly not the top of his priority list and also somewhat ill fitting. Producers, help a guy out, won’t you?
Time for another date card! “Jordan (YAHHHSSSS), Grant, Wells, James F., Christian, Ali, Daniel, Vinny, Nick, Evan, Alex, Chad—Love has no secrets. Love, JoJo”. Mmk, whatever that means. Chad doesn’t want to go on the group date, which, fine, dude, don’t go then. Other James Taylor just wants Chad to be thankful and Jordan, god love him, tries to make a joke that he hopes it’s a bench press competition rather than a spelling contest. I mean, I don’t know why they’ve chosen Jordan to be the comic relief this season, as, you know he’s not James S. or anything (RIP), but it’s a relatively okay joke that Chad gets pissed about. So Chad attacks Jordan, verbally of course, and DON’T YOU DARE HURT JOJO’S FIANCE, CHAD, WE CAN’T HAVE THAT. The men and JoJo pile into a car and end up in Atwater Village? This may make sense to only Los Angeles locals, but the Bachelorette franchise visiting Atwater Village might be akin to the city of Portland being invited to the State Dinner. They’re both cool things, but they should never come in contact with one another. They walk into this super tiny theater and there’s a woman just simply orgasming on the stage? Honestly, the FCC must be huge Bachelorette fans, because this is the second date in a row where I’m over here all, “Is this fine?” I mean, I’m cool with it, but I’m also a 24 year old woman who’s seen every episode of ‘Girls’. So. It’s apparently a show of people sharing sex stories, which is cool, I’m all for watching other people say whatever the hell they want to say, but what’s that? These men are being forced to tell their own embarrassing sex stories now? This is quite literally my nightmare. Making people talk about what they probably don’t want to talk about on national TV. Is this a weird reverse cyber bullying situation where I’m just watching the victims of bullying but on a cyber platform? AHHH I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO OR HOW TO FEEL WHILE I WATCH THIS. Anyway, JoJo thinks it’s really important to be able to talk about sex, which, yes, but does it have to be in Atwater Village, Los Angeles, California while a full camera crew is pointed at you and it will be later broadcast for millions of at home viewers? I think no. JoJo describes herself as a very physical person, which, obviously, you’re on your second season of the Bachelor franchise, JoJo, WE KNOW YOUR STYLE. The guys head backstage and are handed a literal pencil and paper to help them prepare for their presentation. Daniel’s favorite bodily fluid is poo which is irrelevant to anything at all, but he felt the need to share. Chad has no sense of humor and says that JoJo hasn’t “earned” the right to learn anything about him. Just typing that sentence makes me want to throw my laptop into the ocean and punch 15 French bulldogs. I would never but Chad makes me angry in a way that might incite destroying the two things I love most dearly. Evan decides that he’s just gonna shit on Chad the whole time, which Daniel might like based on his last comments, but I’m also excited/terrified to watch this all happen. Grant is up first on the show and talks about losing his virginity in 2 zipped together sleeping bags which seems like a physical impossibility—the sleeping bag thing, not the virginity thing. I honestly can’t remember what Jordan talked about but my notes say “YAHHHHS JORDAN KILLING IT”, so I can safely assume he did well. James F. wants us to know that he has 2 testicles, Vinny strips for some reason, Daniel carries a knife with him at all times and once cut some girl’s hair? Wells had a threesome and THAT’S ALL THE INFO WE GET I MEAN COME ON! WELLS?? A THREESOME?? HE COULDN’T PHYSICALLY MAKE IT THROUGH AN OBSTACLE COURSE LAST EPISODE??????????? Evan is up next and opens with a little intro—he’s an erectile dysfunction specialist. Alex out loud says “YES” and I am falling on the floor laughing at Alex’s joy in this whole situation. Evan basically just talks about how some of his patients can’t get it up due to steroid use and I honestly don’t think anything was directly to Chad, but it was also obviously about Chad, and I kind of don’t remember/care enough about whether or not Chad should have actually been offended or if Evan should have done that at all. Before I know it, Evan’s time is done, he goes back to the rest of the guys, Chad pulls him and rips his shirt in a stupidly overaggressive way and it’s all just too dramatic and I hate it. Like I genuinely just dislike watching men be violent it makes me feel weird. It’s time for Chad, though, and he CANNOT find his light and also talks about literally nothing. He asks JoJo to come up on stage with him and he tries to kiss her and SHE TURNS HER DAMN HEAD. YAHS JOJO, YOU REJECT THAT MAN WITH YOUR CHEEK I LOVE IT. Literally everything about this date and what happened on this date is horribly, horribly uncomfortable. Chad went last, of course, and the guys go backstage and Chad just goes up to Evan and tells him that he’s going to die, but little Daniel over there just wants Chad to know that it was “all in good fun”. Can’t say I agree with that, but Chad needs to chill. He punches a door and bloodies his knuckles and truly, honestly, I’m actually a little scared of Chad and am very glad he’s nowhere near me. Also, I’m just SURE that he did not pass his psych evaluation when applying for this show. Like, there’s just no way.
Now it’s time for the cocktail party for this date and they have it at a literal junkyard which is never explained. JORDAN GETS ON SCREEN TIME AND I AM JUST GIDDY WITH EXCITEMENT. He tells JoJo about his last relationship and how he was very careful for the last few years. He also wants her to know that every morning he wakes up with the best feeling and omg I am just a puddle of girlish love I’m obsessed with him. JoJo loves that Jordan is fun and cool, but is a little concerned that maybe that’s as deep as he’ll ever get. THAT’S IT, THOUGH, THAT’S ALL WE GET TO SEE! I’m so sad, I want to watch them hang out some more. Alex is up next and he’s ride or die, in which context I’m not sure, Wells finds a motorcycle with a sidecar and he’s super jazzed about it, and Vinny just wants to know how he did in the performance. Chad the whole time is walking around clearly drunk or high or something being very aggressive and basically stalking JoJo. The guys are all sitting on this junkyard couch and Chad says that he never starts anything, he’s only doing things in retaliation, which, you know, is not a good excuse. But who knew little ole Evan was going to be the one to instigate everything. Also, as my friend Kenny pointed out, these men LOVE the word “altercation”. Like, just love it. Chad thinks that he’s being accused of things that he hasn’t done or said, which, you know, can’t be true, but he also says that Evan basically doesn’t deserve love because he has 3 kids and didn’t make it work with their mom? I’M SORRY WHAT???? Someone (probably Olivia) said something similar to that about Amanda last season and I just sincerely do not understand. Like in what world are people just out of luck if they have a break up? IN WHAT WORLD CHAD?!
Time for the final date card of the night! “James T. – Let’s kick it old school. Love, JoJo”. I’m a little surprised he got a one-on-one this week, I feel like he got a lot of attention last week, but whatever. I like him, I think he’s sweet. I think we need a juxtaposition to Chad being the world’s worst human, so I’m excited.
Back at the junkyard, Christian calls JoJo “Joelle” which I think is so sweet, Grant is just waiting to wake up from a dream (vomit), and Chad thinks that Grant looks like a character from Spongebob. He’s not incorrect. Finally, it’s time for JoJo and Chad to sit down together alone and Chad wants her to be excited that he’s giving her a “breather” from all of these immature men. JoJo, for some reason, sees a sensitive side to Chad, but I think she’s just misreading his undeserved cockiness as emotional maturity, which is NOT CORRECT, JOJO! RUN! Evan interrupts, which scares me because I’m a little concerned for his safety, but okay. Chad is obviously pissed about it, but Jojo seems cool with it. Evan wastes no time in telling JoJo that if Chad stays here, he doesn’t want to. WHAT A WASTE OF TIME WITH JOJO. I hate when these guys just spend their time talking about other guys. Like, dude, you have 12 minute increments to fall in love with this girl and you’re going to spend it talking about someone else. DUMB. JoJo has some things to think about, she says, because she hasn’t seen the side of Chad that the other guys are describing to her. Hmmmmm. JoJo joins the other guys on the junkyard couch, picks up the rose, and says that she needs to speak with Evan. BAI EVAN! Basically, she pulls him aside and says that she doesn’t want to make this decision right now, but she wants to OFFER HIM THE ROSE. WHATTTT. I GUESS NOT BAI EVAN. He accepts it despite what he just said to her, clearly he is not a man of great commitment. Look, I understand JoJo ignoring the ultimatum that he’s just presented her with, but I mean, honestly, does she really feel any chemistry with this guy? I certainly don’t see any. JoJo and Evan return to the junkyard couch and JoJo tells all the guys and Chad is just staring at her with his velociraptor eyes and decides to interrupt her to ask if she’s really actually interested in Evan. DUDE, NOT THE TIME. Praisebe for JoJo calling out Chad though and saying that he’s being disrespectful. He is truly a gross person I hate him.
Back at the mansion, all of the guys are worried about their physical safety so they’ve hired a security guard to come and walk around the house to make sure they’re okay. Daniel and Chad sit outside and Daniel wants to address some of the issues at the house. Also, Chad is eating a fully raw sweet potato during this whole interaction. Truly the whole time. I mean, hats off to Daniel for dealing with this guy head on. I wish some of the other guys would do that rather than just be annoyed by him and talk about him behind his back like a bunch of middle school girls (I’M LOOKING AT YOU ALEX AND EVAN). So, Daniel’s approach is a classic one: compare the angry and aggressive man to the world’s most notorious dictators. Daniel says, “Okay, so let’s pretend you’re Hitler”. Gotta agree with Chad, “LET’S NOT”. So, because Chad doesn’t feel comfortable being compared to Hitler, Daniel runs through other great evils in the following order: Hitler, Trump, Mussolini, Bush. Ah yes, Trump above Mussolini. There is no resolution to this conversation, by the way, Daniel just calls Chad ‘Hitler’ and somehow they’re still friends and nothing has changed in any way. Well, the sweet potato got a little smaller, but other than that, not much has changed.
Time for Other James Taylor’s date! Aww, he’s honestly such a sweetie, but much like JoJo, I’m not sure if they actually have chemistry together. I’m going to ZOOM through this because, honestly, it’s not too interesting. So JoJo and Other James Taylor go to a swing dance class with the sweetest old woman ever and Other James Taylor can’t dance and all of it is really sweet! I have nothing to say about this date other than it was really sweet! They dance in the middle of Culver City and ABC made a newspaper for Other James Taylor and it’s really sweet! JoJo and Other James Taylor sit in a classic car and Other James Taylor thinks that his one and only flaw is that he got bullied? Not a flaw but really sweet I guess? He also has a best friend that steals all the girls and I feel bad for Other James Taylor, but also, can I see the best friend please? I don’t know, they talk about Other James Taylor being really sweet, because he is, and I’m not sure if they actually cover any other topics or if JoJo actually confirmed that the two of them do, indeed, have chemistry, but he does get a rose and they make out and WOW is Other James Taylor going for it when they make out. Good for you, bud! Really sweet!
So, there’s only 10 minutes left of this episode, so clearly there won’t be a rose ceremony tonight, but let’s see where this goes. As expected, Chris Harrison walks in and exclaims that there will be NO COCKTAIL PARTY TONIGHT! The dreaded words of this franchise, truly. There will be, however, a pool party for the whole day! That sounds fun and very exhausting, but, sure, let’s do it. Chris Harrison announces this and then Evan literally runs after him. Evan tattles on Chad, and yes, “tattle” is the exact, proper word for what he does, even though what can Chris Harrison really do about this? Evan basically tells Chris Harrison that Chad is threatening people and something has to be done. So Chris Harrison DRAWS THE LINE. Or, rather, he talks to Chad and tells him “Hey, maybe don’t do that”. Chris Harrison asks Chad to go address the situation with all the guys, which he doesn’t, but we’re running out of air time, so I guess that’s good enough. Also, this whole time, the camera is pointed at Robby a lot and, damn, he’s super hot, why are we not focusing on him that much this season???
TOMORROW ON THE BACHELORETTE! Evan is bleeding! Other James Taylor is bleeding! Chad is very aggressive! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! See y’all tomorrow!