WE’RE FINALLY BACK AFTER A 2-WEEK HIATUS! Man, is it hard to live life when there’s no Bachelorette to keep us entertained on a Monday night. If you somehow missed it, we left off with Chad throwing his precious camping mug and somehow ending up back at the lovely home provided by ABC in good ole Nemacolin, PA. I mean, I gotta be honest, the Department of Tourism in Nemacolin, PA is REJOICING that Chad freaked out in the middle of their woods.
While Chad was wandering the woods, the remaining guys were holding a funeral for the newly departed Chad Bear in what is probably the funniest thing this franchise has ever seen. Led by Wells, the men spread the ashes of Chad’s leftover protein powder throughout the beautiful countryside of Nemacolin, PA. Also, production got them noisemakers and a real, actual cake for them to smash into Alex’s face. It was beautiful. Before I know it, the grainiest footage of Chad ever shows him walking up and knocking at the front door of the house. Daniel lets him in, the big dummy, and Chad just like wants to chat? I literally don’t understand the purpose of Chad being there. Jordan, being the chosen one he is, takes it upon himself to apologize for anything the guys may have done to make Chad feel like an outsider. Gotta say, it was a real mature thing to do, and, of course, Chad retaliates by yelling at Jordan and saying that he wouldn’t change a single thing that he said or did. Jordan tries to shake his hand like a man, but nope, ole Chad Bear had to be a dick to the bitter end. Also, Evan wants Chad to pay for his shirt. Just, no, dude, get over your shirt.
So remember how this was all the remnants of the show from two weeks ago? Well, yeah, we still have to have that cocktail party and Rose Ceremony, so let’s do it. Jordan is straight up DECKED OUT in pink—tie, pocket square, shirt, you name it, it’s pink. Can’t say I hate it. Chase grabs JoJo first and he stole some of the knockerballs that they used in a date last week and it looks hella fun. He describes their relationship as “comfortable”, which is exactly how I would describe it as well, I think. They clearly like each other and aren’t awkward around each other, but they’re also a little not exciting. I’m interested to see how this one plays out… Robby grabs her next and takes her out to the fountain and reveals that there’s apparently 41 or 42 days left of production? To be honest, that seems long. I mean, that’s more than a month, surely they film for much less than that, no? They make out which is always fun and the rest of the guys are pissed because they can sort of kind of see it if they look through about 14 subsequent glass doors. Like, yeah, technically they can see it, but man would they have to strain their eyes, so it wasn’t exactly in front of you, Derek. James F. is next and he’s been carrying this poem thing around in his pocket for the whole time, which, I guess is sweet, but I don’t know, I’m not into it. Alex, of course, uses his time to talk about the other guys. Daniel has the least natural rapport with a woman I’ve ever seen and I’m back to Luke maybe being dumb but I’m not positive. While the guys are all fighting with each other now because they don’t have Chad to bond over, Jordan grabs JoJo, pushes her against a wall, and makes out with her face. Wowowowow way to go Jordy, I gotta say I’m proud of you for that one. JoJo and the Bachelor Nation thank you for your commitment to passion. All in all, other than the two wonderful men making out with our fair maiden, it was an incredibly boring cocktail party. Thank god it’s Rose Ceremony time. Congrats to Derek, Robby, Chase, Wells, Grant, Vinny (why tho), James T., and Evan. Goodbye and Daniel and James F.! I probably won’t miss either of you, but Daniel I thank you for your weird body and also for comparing Chad to Hitler so flippantly. Once those two goofs are gone, JoJo announces that they’re heading to Uruguay setting off a two-hour adventure in the pronunciation of the country.
So, they make it down to a place in Uruguay I am not cultured enough to have heard of and it’s time for the first date card! “Jordan, let’s seal the date…Love, JoJo”. Oh man, are these guys pissed that Jordan gets a one-on-one. Remember last season when Olivia thought that all the girls hated her because of her “special connection” with Ben? Well, I think that’s why these guys start to hate on Jordan—like obviously they’re meant to be, but I don’t know what these guys were expecting, like, he had to get a one-on-one eventually. The boys’ main argument is that there have been 2 football-centered dates so Jordan doesn’t deserve a one-on-one now. Umm, okay, but like, if you have the brother of Aaron Rodgers here, you’re not going to go on a baseball date. Just sayin’. They also think that Jordan isn’t here for the right reasons, which I’m not quite sure what are the right reasons to go on national television to find love, but apparently these guys think they have Jordan beat on that front. Oh yeah, this whole time the guys are complaining, we are actually seeing Jordan and JoJo on their date which is just them on some yacht and then they get off the yacht and play with some seals which is cool, I guess.
I swear I blinked once and another date card showed up. “Luke, Derek, Chase, Evan, James, Vinny, Grant, Wells, Alex – I can’t sand to be away from you… Love, JoJo”. Umm okay. Well, the only real reason I’m excited is that means Robby gets the other one-on-one which I think will be cute.
Okay, so back to Jo&Jo as I have now dubbed them, and they sit down to dinner and JoJo wants to bring something up. So, apparently, JoJo met one of Jordan’s exes and this girl told her that he is not a trustworthy guy and might have actually cheated on her. Jordan takes a defensive sip of his drink and dives in. Okay, so first of all, let me start by saying that Jordan does not really come off all that well in this date. JoJo apparently was cool with his answers, but, he doesn’t seem 100% truthful, so my rose-colored Jordan glasses now have a slight crack in them. He’s still the perfect guy for her, but I’m protective of JoJo, and am a little worried that he’s gonna be an asshole again. So basically, he says that he was dating this girl while he was still in the NFL and that was when he was trying to be the best football player, and when he wasn’t, he took it out on her. In essence, he would flirt with girls and not always be there for her and all the things that are just as hurtful to a girl’s self esteem as cheating. I gotta give it to JoJo for approaching this head on, though, because she just asks all the questions and he says that he knows who he is now and he’s not a cheater. I mean, I think I believe that and I hope that to be true because obviously JoJo’s falling in love with him, but it was a weird “I don’t know how to feel about this” feeling when this date was over. He gets the rose, of course, and JoJo left the date just gushing about him, so, what I’m hoping, is that he explained things even better in moments that got cut and they can go on living just their beautiful life together. So, while they’re on their date, somehow the guys get a hold of a gossip mag that has an article with an interview with JoJo’s ex-boyfriend Chad. True fans may remember him as the guy that RUINED her hometown date by sending her flowers and calling her moments before Ben showed up. I truly hate him, what a selfish prick. Anyway, he’s back and this time he’s telling some weird sleaze magazine that he and JoJo were hooking up between seasons and she isn’t actually there to find love. JoJo and Jordan come back to the hotel and a DUMB producer hands JoJo the magazine and she’s instantly pissed. She grabs the magazine, puts on a long cardigan that I super want, and marches up to the boys’ suite to go address it. Once again, I just have to say how #blessed we are to have JoJo as our Bachelorette just always addressing things head on. She comes to them in tears and wants them to know that she is there to find a husband and she doesn’t understand why someone would do that to her. Also, she looks Jordan directly in the eye and has a moment with him while all of these guys are watching and it’s really precious. She handles it with grace, and, yeah, the guys aren’t amazing at watching a girl cry, but it must be weird to watch your girlfriend cry in front of her 12 other boyfriends while you can’t really do anything.
The next day, it’s time for the group date while Robby and Jordan have a spa day and it’s just wonderful. The rest of the guys head to these cool sand dunes and do some sand surfing and it looks super dangerous, but super fun. Nothing really of note happens during the actually sand surfing portion of this date, perhaps, cuz, ya know, they were SAND SURFING which does not lend itself to great conversation, but it was kinda fun to watch and Wells is surprisingly good at it.
Back at the hotel, Robby is so precious and excited about getting the date card. “Robby, love is within our reach…Love, JoJo” He’s basically squealing he’s so excited. Also, he says “Alright, alright, alright”, which I think he’s said before and I let it slide, but if I hear it one more time, I’m officially pushing Robby into the sea.
Alright, so back at the group date, Luke is a very passionate person, Other James Taylor reveals that he read the magazine article three full times, and Wells doesn’t want to talk about anyone named “Chad”. Derek is hardcore brooding the whole time, which doesn’t seem to fit his vibe, but, okay. He sits JoJo down and tells her that he’s worried because he had the first one-on-one date and it’s been a really long time. Alex, of course, being the little weasel he is, catches wind of this and all of a sudden doesn’t like Derek. So, Alex, on paper, probably seems cool, but in actuality, he’s an annoying little shit. I hope he goes home soon. JoJo gives the group date rose by saying that this is going to someone to whom she wants to give some re-assurance—Derek. Hmmmm, very interesting phrasing, JoJo. Alex and I both were like, “hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.”
Finally, it’s time for Robby’s date! I don’t know why, but randomly JoJo found a dog in Uruguay and gets to play with it while she waits for Robby. I’M SO JEALOUS. I want a dog to play with. If anyone in the Los Angeles Metro area has a large breed dog and/or a frenchie that I can come over and chill with, please let me know. Anyway, Robby shows up with his incredibly sculpted hair and body and I can’t help but notice that the two of them do actually fit quite well together. They walk around the town for a little bit and then end up at the beach, and specifically, at this cliff that they’re apparently going to jump off of. This seems like the absolute LEAST safe cliff in the history of cliffs (clives?). Honestly, it is horrendously rocky, I do not have even the slightest idea why they are legally able to jump off this cliff. But jump they do and then they get out of the water and that’s kinda it? Like now it’s just time for their dinner? Umm, okay. So Robby sits down with JoJo and explains that about a year ago, his best friend died in an accident, and it changed his whole life—he quit his job, he moved, and he ended a 3 ½ year relationship. All of this to say, he tells JoJo he loves her. JoJo says “Thank you so much”. Look, I agree, life is short and we should do the things we can and say the things we’re thinking now before it’s too late. BUT. Robby told JoJo he loved her too soon. Plain and simple. It freaked me, and probably her, out a little bit. This was your FIRST ACTUAL DATE, ROBBY. Like, I’m sorry, he might be in love with the idea of her, but there’s no way in hell that he is actually in love with her yet. I’m gonna keep an eye on this one, he just likes to say things willy-nilly. JoJo gives him the rose and says that with him she feels “adored”, which is always what I say I need the least from a man, but sure, JoJo, if you like feeling adored by Robby, then I’m happy for you. Just, remember Jordan, that’s all I ask.
It’s time for the last cocktail party and Rose Ceremony tonight and the boys pull up to this weird farm. They grab their drinks and Derek asks to speak with Alex, Jordan, Chase, and Robby. Hmm, okay. Basically, Derek wants to call those guys out for being cliquey and I’m just not about it. Like, yeah, they probably are being cliquey, but who gives a crap, like this is such unnecessary drama. I hate it. And now I don’t love Derek, so. The five of them go back to join the other men and explain what just happened and, yeah, some of the guys agree that sometimes they exclude other people, but the other normal men all agree that IT DOESN’T REALLY MATTER. UGH. I hate pettiness. Chris Harrison walks in the room and announces that JoJo has decided to cancel the cocktail party tonight because she’s already made up her mind and it wouldn’t be fair to them to drag this night out. Rose ceremony time! Congrats to Luke, Chase, Alex, James T., and Wells! Bai to Grant, Vinny (FINALLY), and Evan! All three of these guys kinda suck so I’m over it. They all cry though on their way out which is kinda interesting to watch. Oh Grant, I’ll miss your hardcore cheesiness, Evan, I’ll miss your weird little personality, and Vinny, I will certainly not miss you because I literally do not know how you were not sent home night one. Until next time, folks!
Next time on The Bachlorette: they go to Buenos Aires! Wells might get a one-on-one! Luke is V passionate! And, OH NO! THERE’S A SIDE TO JORDAN SHE DOESN’T THINK SHE KNOWS! AND ANOTHER OH NO, THERE’S A FINAL ROSE BUT SHE DOESN’T WANT TO GIVE IT OUT?????? Also, later this season, SO MUCH DAMN DRAMA AT THE FINAL ROSE! SHE LOVES TWO PEOPLE! INSERT SCREAM EMOJI HERE!