The Bachelorette: Week 5

GUYS! WE’RE ALREADY HALFWAY DONE WITH THIS SEASON! To be honest, though, this season seems like a million seasons, so much has happened already. This week, more guys make out with her, Jordan might be in this just for fame, and she doesn’t want to give out the final rose! Let’s jump in.


We fly into beautiful Buenos Aires, which, apparently, is the new home of the Washington Monument? Anyone else? JoJo can’t say the city that she’s in confidently, but luckily, she only has to say it once or twice. Chris Harrison meets her at a random bench in a random park in Argentina to talk strategy. Oh, also, JoJo’s a tea drinker, which shouldn’t surprise me, but for some reason I was getting a coffee drinker vibe from her. Ah, maybe I don’t know the Bachelorette as well as I thought. Anyway, JoJo tells Chris Harrison that Robby telling her that he loved her last week made her worried, which, same, but maybe not for the same reasons. She’s also worried about falling in love with two people, which would be the “ultimate irony” according to Chris Harrison. Once JoJo’s therapy session is done, Chris Harrison meets up with the boys in the middle of town and not a single clean-shaven man is to be found. Also, Chris Harrison is standing so physically far from the men. He’s literally shouting that there’s going to be a one-on-one, a group date, and a two-on-one this week. The men head into the Alvear Palace, and once again, I’m at the point in the season where I’m wondering if these men have to share beds or not. The first date card arrives and Robby reads it while I notice the hair tie beautifully placed around his wrist—“Wells, Bésame…Bésame, muchacho…Love, JoJo”. Wells then proceeds to tell everyone, unprompted, that he hadn’t kissed her yet. I mean, dude, I like the honesty, but you definitely didn’t have to tell them anything. So while Wells is all nervous and getting ready for his date and wondering when the “right moment” to kiss JoJo may be, the rest of the guys are giving him crap. Like truly just sitting around making fun of this dude for not having kissed his girlfriend in 5 weeks. I mean, they kind of have a point, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR, BRO? JoJo shows up and chats with the guys for a second and Luke shows some personality by being an ASSHOLE and asking JoJo if she and Wells are going to kiss tonight. Get outta here, Luke, no one asked you. While Wells and JoJo head out on their date and make their way through a lovely little street market, the rest of the guys are giving confessionals about Wells not having kissed JoJo, yet. Robby thinks that unless this is the best kiss that the guy’s ever given, he’s probably not coming home tonight. Also, James Taylor has a lot to say about this, but am I the only one who wouldn’t even be the tiniest bit surprised to find out that he doesn’t kiss until the wedding? You know he’s got some Duggar up in there somewhere. So JoJo announces to Wells that they’re heading into Fuerza Bruta, or at least, she tries to say those words, but it is a real struggle, and I can’t help but be transported back to the transcendent ANTM episode that also featured this performance art. Does the company of Fuerza Bruta all watch reality shows together and then just invite their favorite franchises every couple of years? I mean, I’d be on board for that. The lady in the water is Vanessa Bayer, though, no? So, while Wells is acting the way I, or any other person actually acts on a first date, they’re also running on a treadmill, getting harnessed up to go on said treadmill, and eventually climbing into a suspended pool in which Wells wears Olympic licensed swim capris. They are cute together in a “I want to hang out with them, they seem like they just goof around” sorta way, not really in a romantic way even a little, sorry, Wells. But he finally kisses her and JoJo being the gem she is just calls him out on it and screams to the entire cast and crew of Fuerza Bruta: “WE DID IT!” Yes, you did, you crazy kids. It was fun to watch, but not at all passionate. Wells seemed to enjoy it, though, and he was apparently glad he waited for the right time. Okay, so Wells is coming off here like a super chivalrous respectful guy, which I definitely think he is, but something has to be said for the ladies who just want to be kissed regardless of if it’s the right moment or not. I mean, not every kiss must move mountains, fellas, some ladies, and I have a feeling JoJo is in this camp, just want to kiss a little. But, I digress. They head to dinner and Wells is sweating profusely the entire time and he tells JoJo about his past relationship as well as his feelings about future relationships. All in all, Wells lost the passionate part of this last relationship and also kinda thinks that might happen again so JoJo dumps him. She does it in the classiest of ways, but I mean, we all saw this coming. America loves Wells (not enough for him to be the next Bachelor, but still) and JoJo and the rest of the country are all thrilled to watch Wells find his dream woman. So bai Wells, we’ll genuinely miss you, but lord knows you have HOARDS of women waiting in line for you back in Nashville. After JoJo dumps him, she’s forced to go see Fuerza Bruta alone and it’s horribly sad. Also, JoJo’s very averse to putting her arms through the arms of her coats in this episode. I mean, she looks stylish, but at what cost?


Time for another date card! “Luke, Robby, Jordan, James, Alex – Living la vida boca…Love, JoJo” Okay, we might be back to bad date cards, but we’ll see for the next week or so. This means, however, that it’s Derek and Chase on the two-on-one. Why? I don’t know and I don’t really care. Two-on-ones are only fun when the two guys hate each other. This is not going to be a fun two-on-one to watch. Luke, Robby, Jordan, James, and Alex all meet JoJo in the middle of town and head to a local parking lot to play some soccer…ahem, football. ‘NOTHER FOOTBALL DATE FOR JORDAN RODGERS. It actually seems genuinely fun, though, like they get to hang out with the locals and have some good ole fashioned competition. The entire time, Other James Taylor won’t stop talking about how self conscious he is around these really beautiful men. I mean, I did not come to the Bachelor Nation to watch a grown man complain about how beautiful other grown men are. Love ya, Other James Taylor, but shut the hell up. The locals, aka the Bachelorette producers, want to see a penalty kick off, and if the guys make a goal, they get to kiss JoJo. It’s honestly super cutesy and fun. Jordan misses, Alex misses, Robby tries to pay off the goalie while wearing full on boat shoes, and surprise, it fires back, Luke misses, and Other James Taylor makes a goal! I mean, the goalie threw the game for him, but still, good for you Other James Taylor! They kiss and it’s kinda cute, and I’m also noticing now that Other James Taylor sweats a lot. Like kind of always. Hmm. Time for the cocktail party of the night, though, and I am DYING watching Luke and Robby physically run to try and be the one who opens the door for JoJo. If I’m not mistaken, I think Robby wins—foreshadowing, maybe? Luke is up first to talk to her and DAMN are they physically close. Like just crawl inside of each other, my god. They talk really slow and are kind of boring, but DAMN do they know how to kiss. I mean, it’s the world’s slowest recorded kiss, but I mean, come on, it is certainly fun to watch. JoJo says in her confessional that sometimes when her and Luke are making out, she has to take a breath because it’s too passionate. Same, girl, keep doing you. I mean, I like Luke as in I think he’s probably a cool guy, and y’all know that I love how well Luke knows Luke, but they don’t match perfectly. Physically? Yes. But I feel like they can’t really have all that much fun together. I’m excited to see him stick around for a few more weeks until that becomes an issue for her. Next up is Other James Taylor, and to be honest, I feel like JoJo looks at him like a new puppy. He’s cute and lovely and fun, but I’m definitely not trying to date my puppy. Other James Taylor decides now is the time to bring up that he’s feeling a little offended by Jordan Rodgers. Basically, and to be honest, these are really all the details we get, they were playing poker and Other James Taylor got a rule wrong so Jordan told him how to actually play. CAN YOU SAY DRAMMAAAA????? This makes Other James Taylor say to JoJo that Jordan Rodgers was being “Jordan Rodgers” and even she can’t really help but try not to laugh. It’s just insanity. Other James Taylor feels better having told her that, though, and instantly just starts furiously making out with her. I mean, they just have zero chemistry. Not an ounce of chemistry to be found. I mean, still love the guy, but DEFO not for JoJo. Money right now is going to Luke or Other James Taylor being the next Bachelor. I’d prefer Other James Taylor, just because he’s fun. We’ll see. I think around now is when I called JoJo being the Bachelorette, so LET’S KEEP THE STREAK ALIVE, PEOPLE. JoJo pulls Jordan aside and, again, tries not to laugh when she asks him about the “altercation” that happened while they were playing poker. I mean, some people may interpret this whole interaction as Jordan just not being great, but to be honest it’s actual craziness that this has to be brought up anyway. I love Jordan and will always love him, so y’all can just stop. Jordan heads back to sit with the guys and swirls his white wine for a COMICALLY long time. I mean, what other reality show can you watch in complete silence for over a minute? IT’S BRILLIANT, I SAY, BRILLIANT! Basically Other James Taylor says that he definitely was going to tell Jordan about what he talked about (doubtful) but Jordan thinks that Other James Taylor is pathetic for having brought it up (tru). I will say it time and time again, the guy or girl who talks about the other people competing have never and will never win, it’s just a waste of time. This scene does give me flashbacks to Leah talking about Lauren B last season, though, and look how that turned out: a turn on Bachelor in Paradise and a win for Lauren. Ooooh, tbh, I wouldn’t hate if Other James Taylor was on Bachelor in Paradise! In the end, Luke walks away with the rose, because, passion, and all the guys make JoJo feel awkward.


Final date card of the night! “Derek + Chase – It takes two…Love, JoJo” Oh, man, how awesome would it be if they just watch the 1995 blockbuster “It Takes Two” starring the Olsen Twins and Kirstie Alley??? I think that sentence is exactly why I’ll never be on this franchise, but oh well. Derek is all of a sudden super confident and Chase wonders how he’s smiling or laughing right now. No seriously, I think Chase is wondering how to physically smile or laugh.


So, they head out on the world’s most boring two-on-one and watch this woman dance with these two men. I mean, WOW, she is one millimeter away from showing the entire world her cooter. More power to her, but this is ABC, I’m SHOCKED they’re letting this outfit go on national television. The three of them, and this scantily clad woman, head upstairs to learn this dance. For a woman who is not super amazing at dancing, JoJo sure has a lot of dancing dates. It’s super boring, to be honest, and truly nothing happens. They dance awkwardly while JoJo is wearing a fierce as hell dress and that’s about it. They head to dinner and Derek is the first one to get some time with JoJo. He comes off super slimy this whole time and it’s clear that he’s gunning to be the Bachelor, but dude, that’s not going to happen. I’m uncomfortable and to be honest, JoJo looks uncomfortable and it’s not outwardly bad, but I just don’t like watching the two of them together. Chase is up next and JoJo just straight away says that she doesn’t know how he feels about anything. Ummm, yep, his face hasn’t moved in 6 weeks, Bachelor Nation is a bit confused as well. JoJo says that her love language is words of affirmation, which makes a lot of sense. That’s my second love language and it is how I give love, but where my quality time ladies atttt????? I suppose this isn’t the show for that… Basically, I guess JoJo likes Chase a lot, which is cool, but I’m not super invested. She gives the rose to Chase and BAI DEREK. Derek is pissed about it and then proceeds to talk to himself in a car for about 20 minutes. Mind you, this is all while a woman sings “Don’t Cry For Me Argentina” and it’s so overly dramatic I love it. My favorite line of Derek’s monologue?: “I don’t cry…and yet I am”. HAHAHHA


It’s finally cocktail party time and the guys roll up to this hella cool building and literally won’t stop saying “wow”. Like they’re physically unable to stop. JoJo shows up in a STUNNING dress and has the world’s largest glass of wine ever and I just love her all the more. Jordan is up first and tells her that he wants to be in love and engaged at the end of this and if anyone is ignoring how excited that makes JoJo and how natural their conversation is at all times, then y’all are WRONG. Alex is next and is nervous because he hasn’t gotten a one-on-one or a group date rose. Luke told an apparently hilarious joke and Other James Taylor likes that way that she looks at him. He also thinks he and JoJo are very passionate? Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.


Rose ceremony time! Congratulations to Robby, Jordan, and….WAIT. OH MY GOD JOJO IS RUNNING AWAY. OH NO. Ugh, of all the scripted drama on this show, this is my least favorite. Basically, she tells Chris Harrison that she doesn’t want to give out the final rose and then we cut back to the guys and she says that she’s sorry that she can’t give out the final rose. Luckily, Chris Harrison is waiting in the wings and brings out 2 roses to give to both Alex and James Taylor. I mean, production wasn’t ready for hometowns yet, so it had to happen. I’m over Alex and Other James Taylor and can’t wait to kick them out of my bracket next week. They both know they got pity roses and you just know that the other guys are rejoicing. Anyway, no final bai’s to give this week, but certainly looking forward to next. Until next time, guys and gals…


Next week on The Bachelorette: JoJo shoots guns with Luke, Jordan is in a hot tub, Alex is in a weird ass hat, and yikes, all the guys seem to hate each other now. Actually, doesn’t look like that much drama at all. Oh well, here’s hoping Chad is still in the forests of Nemacolin, PA.


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