Well, they’ve done it: they broadcast the world’s most predictable episode of television to date. AS EXPECTED, and spoiler alert for those who are waiting with bated breath to find out who’s going home, a big old BAI to Alex and Other James Taylor! It was a week of an absurd amount of dates and a lot of focus on gauchos. Let’s jump in.
So they’re still in Argentina, but luckily, JoJo only has to say “Buenos Aires” once more because they’re headed to the Argentinian countryside this week. JoJo says that she can see herself falling in love with a few guys and I’M SO EXCITED! I KNOW IT’S NOT ENTIRELY REAL BUT I LOVE WATCHING PEOPLE FALL IN LOVE. Alex is feeling confused, unsure, and disappointed with his Bachelorette experience thus far, and to be honest, bud, that’s exactly how we’re feeling about your Bachelorette experience thus far, too. Chris Harrison comes in to talk to the guys and assert that JoJo is a very independent woman and if she wants someone to go home, they’re gonna be sent home. Here’s hoping! There are also going to be 4 dates this week (insert ghost scream emoji)—three one-on-ones and a group date. THERE’S A TWIST, THOUGH! There will be no roses on the one-on-ones, but there will be a group date rose up for grabs! What a horribly boring twist! The first date card arrives: “Alex—I gaucho on my mind…Love, JoJo” UGH. Robby is wearing weird slippers the whole time, by the way, and Chase and Jordan want Alex to stop bitching about not having a one-on-one. Chase straight up says that he wants Alex to shut up. I don’t foresee Chase and I agreeing on much, but on this we are completely in sync.
So Alex’s date is many parts, the first of which is a highly unsafe road trip. He and JoJo climb into the back of a town car and DON’T BUCKLE UP THE ENTIRE TIME and eat Pringles and weird Argentinian treats. They both say that they feel really comfortable with one another, but also JoJo tells Alex to just “be normal” which unfortunately I think is going to be annoying, too. Meanwhile, the other 5 guys get to ride in a really kick-ass old timey bus and pretend to be annoyed that they’re not riding unsafely in a marked car. In the bus, they pretty much just drink beer and make fun of Alex for being short and then breakout, CONVENIENTLY at the same time as Alex, into this weird kind of horrible rap. Alex says that he’s freestyling, then after the worst rhyme in history—JoJo and Liquor Store—he says that’s his “go to”. Ummmmmmmmmmmm, OKAY, Alex. Also, Jordan is like REALLY into rapping. He does not half-ass anything. Finally, JoJo and Alex pull up to an Estancia, which is an Argentinian ranch, and they meet these two bad ass gauchos and find out they’re going to be doing their job for the day. It’s actually really cool, JoJo gets to stay in her outfit, Alex has to wear FULL attire and to be honest, he looks like a combination boy scout / Shriner with the height of both. They ride around on a horse for a while and talk and then they get off the horse and watch this real life gaucho have this borderline sexual experience with a horse. I don’t mean to offend, but it is an oddly intimate experience between man and horse and I’m very glad I wasn’t forced to figure out what to look at while actually being there. Alex says that he thinks the way that he’s feeling right now is the way that “love is supposed to feel” while they’re just laying on the horse together. He also calls himself her “goocho” and JoJo, being the star she is, promptly corrects him. They go to the third, and thankfully final, stage of this horribly long date and basically just sit on a bench? Like no dinner or anything, just bench sitting, truly. Alex, the entire time, is just TOO confident in himself and his family and I think JoJo and I are figuring out his fatal flaw at the same time. He wants to leave it all on the table, though, and tells JoJo that he’s falling in love with her. Right after he says that and her face looks, you know, not like she’s falling in love with him, he just says that he feels so much better. Really, dude? You looked at her face and were confident in what you just said? What a dummy. OBVIOUSLY, she straight up says that she wasn’t excited to hear that from him and out of respect for him, she was going to send him home now rather than waiting a few days for the rose ceremony. Stay classy, JoJo. Alex is immediately just pissed, though, and definitely like doesn’t take it well, and also does nothing to make anyone have any sympathy for him. Like, I’m sorry, he’s had to have been in a relationship before, there’s no way he was ABSOLUTELY shocked when he saw someone’s face do the same thing JoJo’s did and know that it was about to be over. He’s such a cocky little shit, I’m glad he’s gone. BAI, ALEX, YOU WERE ANNOYING THE WHOLE TIME!
The second date card arrives: “Jordan—Let’s toast to love…Love, JoJo” YAHHHS! I know that I’m like one of three women total who loves Jordan through and through, but he and JoJo are just so natural and I love them and I hope they’re still in love. Like, seriously, just watch them greet each other and look how excited JoJo is about this man. She loves him, truly. So they’re taking a private plane to go wine tasting and it literally seems like the perfect date. The place is stunningly beautiful and they get to walk through the vineyard for a while. They end up talking to, hopefully, someone who works there, and they get to stomp grapes with their feet. Ugh, I’ve always wanted to do that and it’s fun watching two people who clearly like each other just hang out and be fun and silly. Then, FOR GOD KNOWS WHAT REASON, they have to drink the shit they just stomped?????? WHAT? WHO DECIDED THIS???? WHY ARE THEY ARE ON BOARD WITH THIS?????????????????? Truly can’t add enough question marks to convey how confused I am by the sheer disgustingness that is drinking juice that has come from your feet. I’m still horrified.
Alright, so during this horrific-ness, the guys at the hotel are talking and won’t stop saying the word “frontrunner”. Truly every other word out of these guys’ mouths is “frontrunner” and yet none of them are. They do, luckily, know that Jordan is a frontrunner, though, but credit that status to him being famous before the show. I’m sorry, what? I have never in my life seen any press about Little Rodgers other than him coming on the show and maybe when he signed to play at Vandy because I went to school in Nashville. But JORDAN RODGERS IS NOT FAMOUS. HE DID NOT HAVE AN ADVANTAGE ON THIS SHOW. Ugh, sorry just had to get that off my chest.
So Jordan and JoJo head to have dinner and JoJo says that her favorite part of the day was just travelling with Jordan. UGH, YES, THEY’RE SO PRECIOUS, EVEN THE MONOTONY IS FUN FOR THEM. She also already knows the names, including the dog’s name, of everyone she’s going to meet during the hometown next week. She does have to ask, probably legally, about Jordan’s relationship with Aaron. No surprise, but they don’t really talk or get along. To be honest, I think Jordan got so pissed about the “entitlement” comment from Other James Taylor a few weeks back because that’s probably how he feels about his brother and he doesn’t seem to particularly like his brother. On the record, I love Jordan AND Aaron, I am rising above. JoJo reacts in a normal girlfriend kind of way and says that throughout the weeks, she’s grown to trust Jordan even more and all her fear about him has gone away. Next, Jordan FINALLY tells her he loves her and she loves hearing it, you can tell. They walk away and he pulls his classic move of pinning her against a wall and making out with her, which, I mean, good for him, and I just love it so much. I love them, I don’t care what anyone says.
WE STILL HAVE 2 FULL DATES LEFT. I’M SO ANNOYED. I love how long this show is because I love this show, but this week, I was just ready to get to the rose ceremony. Ugh. The next date card for the group date comes: “Chase, James, Robby—Let our love soar…Love, JoJo”. Welp, that card doesn’t quite pan out because it starts pouring so the only thing the producers could think to do was hang out in the hotel room? I mean, I guess they didn’t have time to book an indoor location, but you would think that like they coulda booked the hotel bar or something, damn. So JoJo wants to have a “slumber party” with none of the gossip and none of the falling asleep, so basically just the before part. They order room service and for some reason Other James Taylor wants to prove that he can shove a lot into his mouth? He puts like a thousand French fries in his mouth and then tries to take a sip of water, but Robby points out that liquid is only going to make it expand and I’ve probably never laughed harder ever. They play Truth or Dare for truly one round and Robby is dared to run down the hallway in his underwear? Hold champagne? Moon everyone? Cannot pin down quite what the dare was, but it’s boring. Also, the guys are forced to massage each other. It’s real weird. The whole time, though, Other James Taylor keeps saying that Robby’s got a bit of a wandering eye. Doesn’t surprise me, to be honest, if I was going to pick anyone, it would definitely be him. JoJo and Robby head outside because apparently it’s stopped raining? We find out that Robby only broke up with his last girlfriend four months ago, but magically he’s over everything. Hmmmmm, doubtful, but JoJo seems to buy it. Chase is next and he clearly has a hard time expressing any type of emotion, but he does his best. He tells JoJo that he really, really likes her, but then in the next breath says that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. Two very different sentiments, but okay. Other James Taylor admits that he doesn’t have a super physical relationship with her and honestly it seems like their conversation consists of JoJo realizing that she’s going to break this man’s heart. It’s pretty sad. Somehow Other James Taylor walks away feeling like he’s guaranteed himself the group date rose? Speaking of, the rose goes to Robby and the two of them get to make out for awhile longer while Chase and Other James Taylor discuss who of them opened up to her more. Luckily, these guys know what’s up, though, and they straight up say that they know it will be between the two of them for who’s going home this week.
I searched through my notes and I don’t think Luke actually got a date card for this last date. HOW BORING. Basically, it’s an entire date of doing the things that Luke is good at—it’s his version of a football date. They go horseback riding and Luke tells JoJo about when he “broke his first horse”, which sounds like a bad thing, but okay. They end up skeet shooting and Luke obviously hits every shot and somehow coaches JoJo into hitting her SECOND SHOT. I’M TRULY AS EXCITED AS JOJO IS FOR HITTING THAT IT’S SUPER IMPRESSIVE. Also, now I want to go skeet shooting. They sit down and talk about if Luke thinks he’s going to end up in a small town again or stay in the city. He says that he wants to wait and see who he falls in love with and then decide and JoJo thinks that’s just swell. I sorta think it’s swell, too, but I also think they’re something to be said for making decisions before you have someone to make those decisions for. Maybe it’s just my “moved across the country twice already” mindset, but, y’all, people, everyone, DO YOU. Then that’s truly it. Like Luke’s date is over and it’s already time for the rose ceremony. I’m not sure who decided that Alex should get like 14 activities and Luke gets a half of one, but okay. He goes back to tell the guys that the rose ceremony is tonight and they’re all a little freaked out.
No cocktail party tonight, which means: IT’S ROSE CEREMONY TIME! Congrats to Luke, Jordan, and Chase, and BAI OTHER JAMES TAYLOR! Aww, his exit is so sweet, he’s really truly a gentleman. You can tell more than anything JoJo wishes she could have fallen in love with him just to prove to him that he does deserve someone great. Ugh, breaks my heart truly. But I have faith he’ll either be the Bachelor or will find some really hot wife who is fine only having a tepidly passionate relationship. I wish him truly well. Until next time, kids!
Next week on The Bachelorette: HOMETOWNS! My favorite episode of the year! Chase lives in snow and I’m jealous of that, there’s a baby during Luke’s hometown and Luke Rodgers is just older Jordan Rodgers. Apparently Jordan has a “wound” left from his lost relationship with Aaron and Robby isn’t being truthful about something! JoJo feels out of control at an airport! OH MY!