It’s Fantasy Suite week! This is the week last season when Ben Higgins made a grave error and told two women he loved them. Let’s hope JoJo doesn’t repeat her ex-lover’s mistakes! It also means that there’s only one episode left until we find out that Robby is, in fact, an alien and JoJo and Jordan ride off into the sunset for the next 9 months or so while they’re together.
I’d almost forgotten, but we left off on a huge cliff hangar (lol hangar lol) when Luke pulled JoJo aside before the rose ceremony and told her he loved her. WHAT IS A GIRL TO DO? Mostly, I’m convinced that this whole scene was concocted just to prove that JoJo looks flawless in a full length sequined dress and finds no hardship in squatting in said dress. Luke rejoins the guys and Jordan says that now he’s worried, even though, like he knows what’s up, and Robby says that he can’t read Luke. UH, ME EITHER ROBBY, THAT’S LIKE THE WHOLE POINT OF LUKE AS A PERSON. Also, nine weeks into the season and my brain still hasn’t processed Luke’s face. JoJo returns and it’s time to give out the roses from last week. Congrats to Jordan, Robby, and CHASE. Honestly, who knew??? I said it to several friends, but I genuinely think that JoJo was just deciding when to break Luke’s heart and probably good that she did so before fantasy suites. Good on you, Joelle. Instantly Luke and JoJo are heartbroken, no, genuinely, both of them look just so sad. Luke, more so, if mostly confused about everything. He doesn’t look her in the eye for pretty much their entire 7 minute goodbye. He says that he never got the chance to love JoJo and she was just giving up on them. Truly heartbreaking. JoJo is shocked at how hard it was to say goodbye to Luke and, honestly, same, I’m surprised after their conversation why she sent him home this week. Like she said, she literally had no good reason. But, I can’t blame her for following her gut. Making way for Luke to be the Bachelor anyway.
JoJo and the guys head over to Thailand and she says that following the rose ceremony, she’s feeling even more confident now about her three relationships. Robby is up first, thank god, getting him over with. Robby pulls up on a cute little tuk tuk? Is that what those are called? Too busy HATING Robby to look it up. They head into this cool Thai market and I’m jealous of their trip here, it seems fun. I don’t want to hang with Robby, but, ya know. They eat some weird things and shop around for cute stuff and they end up just getting a pedicure? Who orchestrated this date? I just do not understand. They sit there for awhile and Robby delivers his script pretty well and says that he’s been honest with JoJo since day one even saying that he has a “perfect example”. DUDE, ROBBY, IF YOU WERE HONEST WITH HER FROM THE START YOU WOULDN’T NEED EXAMPLES. I trust him so little it’s unbelievable. Also, he won’t stop calling her Joelle, which, I know is her real name, but honestly, stop trying to prove that you know her, dude, you’re not going to be the Bachelor. He also says that tonight is pivotal in his next step with JoJo, whatever that means. They go to dinner and Robby says that even his family could see how in love with her he was including his dad who literally wrote him an actual script for JoJo to read. How is anyone buying this? JoJo’s really excited to take Robby to the fantasy suite, though, and refuses to say that she loves Robby, which I’m happy about. They head into the fantasy suite and Robby says that he’s excited that now he doesn’t have to dream about JoJo, he gets to dream with JoJo, so naturally I’d like to vomit, please. He is 100% that guy that your friend dates that you can’t tell her any reasons in particular you don’t like him, but you just don’t. I’m genuinely wondering, though, if they have any fun together. It seems like their relationship is just about Robby professing his love for her and her being thankful for that but also not really trusting him. I do love that they show the next morning of the fantasy suites now, though, it just feels more genuine, I think. She and Robby wake up and she says that they had a great night and it’s hard to say goodbye to him in the morning. She also says in her confessional that she’s in love with Robby and I’m just so saddened by that. Hopefully she doesn’t love him as much as Jordan, but we’ll see.
Jordan’s date is up next and I just love watching the two of them together they just have so much fun. She and Jordan are going on a really strenuous hike, which seems very like them—a fun activity that they both can enjoy and they get to travel, too. Dying that Robby only got to get a pedicure with her and Jordan now gets to go to like a very important landmark. Jordan says that he loves how JoJo challenges him and that’s honestly the best description of their relationship yet. I love JoJo, you guys know I love JoJo, but is she too perfect? Like, I’m sure she makes Jordan a better person because, we all know, he’s not always been a perfect person, but I also want to find a man for JoJo that makes her a better person, too. Tangent over. They get to go into this cool temple and they’re forced to be respectful and cover up their shoulders and also not kiss, which is seemingly the hardest thing they’ve ever had to do. Jordan wants to know what her family is going to be like when he meets them and also wants her to know that he’s really traditional and definitely will ask her dad for her hand in marriage. Look, she might be talking about this stuff with the other guys, but I genuinely believe that she and Jordan are the only two that are talking about real life things beyond this show and that’s the main reason I love them. She tells him that she’s a little nervous about him committing to a future and she wants to know if she chooses him what that future is going to look like. They end on kind of a weird note and then have to hike back, seemingly hours, to return to the city. They sit down to dinner and JoJo does not hold back—she wants to know how he knows that he’s in love with her and what they’re going to be doing for the next year. He, unfortunately, says only things about himself as justification for him being in love with her, which I don’t think is wrong, it’s just not what I’d want to hear if the man I love was telling me why he loved me. He also says that he doesn’t really know what the next year is going to look like. Oh, really, Jordan, you don’t know if JoJo is going to be in your life for the next year? I don’t know, his answers tonight are really not stellar. She also wants him to know that for her, if they get engaged, the next year isn’t just going to be like them dating and figuring it out, she really wants to commit to someone. He does say, however, that when he pictures his wedding day, he sees her walking toward him and that I can get behind. JoJo’s confessional seems kind of forced in that she’s now basically over all her fears with him, but honestly, I stand by that they’re the only ones talking about real stuff so if she’s going to get over her fears with anyone, Jordan makes the most logical sense. They go into the fantasy suite and JoJo says that “Jordan doesn’t know it yet, but we’re going in as two people who love each other” and I AM MELTING. IT IS PERFECT. NOT PERFECT IN THE TRADITIONAL SENSE, BUT I JUST LOVE THEM TOGETHER. They wake up and seem very normal and cute and despite all my hesitations above, you can’t argue that JoJo genuinely does love this guy.
Alright, it’s time for Chase. He rides up on this weird moped and then just kinda leaves it there? Was that really necessary? Their date is just like playing with dead fish it’s so weird. Chase also uses the phrase “sex appeal” to describe JoJo and cannot say that I enjoyed hearing him say that all that much. They end up at the beach and Chase says that he loves being in this amazing place with “monkeys and fishermen and salt water and fish”. Ah, yes, just a few of Chase McNary’s favorite things. Now that Chase is back from his hometown, though, he suddenly can’t stop talking like at all. It’s as if revealing such intimate details of his life on his hometown has made him unable to ever stop speaking again. He is really sweet and they seem to genuinely have a good time. In between the day and dinner, JoJo is hanging around her hotel room wondering if she could possibly fall in love with a third man, and KNOCK KNOCK, ROBBY’S AT THE DOOR. Get outta here Robby, it is not your turn. Also, he’s calling her simply “Jo” now, which I’m vehemently against. She finds a way to kick him out of the room and she meets up with Chase who is wearing a 19th century pirate’s shirt for some reason. They talk for awhile and he’s glad that he opened up to her and she’s glad that she got to see that side of him on his hometown and then they head into the fantasy suite. Oh boy, oh boy, I truly didn’t see this one coming. They’re sitting on a love seat and Chase finally says those three little words I didn’t realize he’d never said to someone until now. JoJo instantly flees, she’s just like “Okay, I’m going to be right back”. She goes and sits on this bench outside and tries to decide how to handle everything. She and I seem to want one of the producers to handle it and go face the issue of her not loving him head on. She’s braver than I, though, and she goes back to talk to him. She basically says to him that she wishes she fell in love with him, but she just didn’t. He knows even before she says anything and he is so pissed. Truly he is angry for the rest of the time. He says that apparently for him “love=get the fuck out”. DAMN. I mean, truly, how could he feel any other way, though? She was basically telling him that he had to open up more in order for her to fall in love with him and he finally does that and then she says it wasn’t enough. Poor guy. To quote him as he gets in the van to leave, “Is this my fantasy suite?” Man, this whole thing was tough to watch. Look, he probably shouldn’t have been quite as sarcastic and not super nice to her, but it was a shitty night for him, you can’t really blame the guy.
It’s time for the rose ceremony now and she loves both of these guys so it should be pretty smooth sailing from here on out. I’m OBSESSED with her dress and the two guys show up in just wonderful casual resort wear. She starts by telling them that she sent Chase home last night and the two guys are genuinely, truly, relieved. They’re physically wiping their brows. BUT WAIT. WHO’S THAT IN THE DISTANCE? IT’S CHASE MCNARY. Holy shit was I surprised by this. What does he want to say to her??? Does she love him now that she lost him and he came back anyway???????????? Robby and Jordan look far from relieved anymore. Chase asks to speak with JoJo and they go off to talk while the guys stand there sweating profusely. Chase wants to apologize for being such a dick to her and says that he wants her to know that he’s proud of her and admires her and even typing this now I’m crying. Chase is a stand up guy. Such a classy move to come back and tell her that. Ugh, I can’t even get over it, it’s just so lovely and clearly he does love her enough to come back and tell her that. He doesn’t do it to get back on the show, he just wants her to be able to move forward knowing that he doesn’t hate her and I love it so much. She returns to the other guys and gives out the two roses, first to JORDAN, obviously, and the second to Robby. Jordan gives Robby some MAJOR side eye as he walks up to accept his rose. Well, we’ve only got one more week people and I’ll miss JoJo, but I probably won’t miss these guys too much. Here’s hoping she picks the right one.
TOMORROW on The Bachelorette, MEN TELL ALL! The best night of the whole year. But, next week on the finale of The Bachelorette: JoJo looks fierce as hell in her finale dress, both of the guys pick out rings, and JoJo’s mom grills the two guys about how much they love her daughter. I CAN’T WAIT.