The Bachelor 2017: Week 1

Guys, I can’t believe it, but it’s finally time. Not everyone likes Nick, which, I quite honestly don’t really get, but that could just be because I’m a fellow Wisconsinite, Packer fan, and, oh yeah, he is, in my opinion, the most beautiful Bachelor of our time. Yes, you heard it right, I’m a huge Nick Viall fan, and have been since Day 1—no seriously, in the archives of this blog somewhere you’ll find me heaping praise onto him on Andi’s season. The producers brought out the big guns this year for Mr. Wonderful and I am on board. As two of my friends and I discussed earlier today, week one means getting to meet 30 future Sugar Bear Hair spokeswomen. Let’s jump into it.

According to Chris Harrison, this is going to be a “season unlike anything [we]’ve seen before”, not the usual “most dramatic season ever”. I’m hoping it just means that the writers for Chris’ copy finally figured out Bachelor Nation hates that phrase and not that it won’t actually be a dramatic aka interesting season. Chris also says that we’re about to get into the “unprecedented season premiere”. WHAT’S UNPRECEDENTED, CHRIS?????????????? It’s the 21st season, maybe they’re just talking about have a girl who’s already slept with the Bachelor? Honestly, probably not unprecedented either, Hollywood is a small town. Nick intros himself in a gratuitous nude shower scene and also can’t take himself seriously when telling America that he’s the Bachelor. They show clips of his previous seasons, though, and I just have to give it up to a higher power for making Nick more and more attractive every season. The things Nick can improve upon include maintaining eye contact, sitting sidewise on a couch, speaking clearly, and not being quite so longwinded. Do we think Nick was self aware enough to actually know those are things he can improve upon or did a producer tell him all those things and it took 9 takes before there weren’t tears in Nick’s eyes when he was listing his faults? This intro is further proof for my love of Nick Viall, though: he’s witty, self deprecating, and FROM WISCONSIN. He says that it is “arguably likely” for his heart to get broken at the end of this. Funny, but true. They show up to Waukesha, Wisconsin, the place I took my driver’s test, performed for Children’s Choir, and took this weird alcohol class mandated by the state. Weird place. I always forget that Nick is from a giant family, though. His mother is actually the most stunning human and Nick sits down with his little sister Bella who delivers her lines incredibly. Seriously, that girl has a future. Nick finally says that this is the year that he’s going to give America a “happy ending”. Lololololol.

Oh good, Ben Higgins, Sean Lowe, and CHRIS SOULES are giving advice to Nick this year. CHRIS SOULES???????? TRULY WHY WAS HE EVER THE BACHELOR? IT MAKES ME SO FURIOUS. Sean thinks that this summer on Bachelor In Paradise ®, probably coming July 2017, Nick became a lot more loveable. Y’all. Full disclosure: I did not watch Kaitlyn’s season, because, again, full disclosure, I’m not a huge Kaitlyn fan, but these men are making it seem like Nick was the villain on Andi’s season which is simply not true. Other than After the Final Rose when he told America something they already knew, that Andi slept with him, he really was not a bad guy. But apparently Sean hated him. Ben says that on night 1, he was so shocked that all of these women were there to explore a relationship with him. Everything Ben says has a slight “youth pastor” vibe to it, so I’m going to bet Nick took everything Ben had to say with a grain of salt. Though, Nick probably should heed his advice of not telling two women he loves them. So, that is apparently all the advice that was doled out, but I distinctly remember being annoyed with the amount of advice Chris Soules was giving. Maybe I just hate him so much I imagined it. Oh well.

Time to meet (some of) the women. First up is Rachel, a lawyer from Dallas, Texas. Hey! I wonder if she knows JoJo! Rachel loves vacuuming??????????? I mean, she is seriously a boss ass bitch and cool AF, but her and Nick together? Not sure I buy it just yet. Next up is Danielle L., another boss lady who is a nail salon owner and opened her first store at age 23. I’d like more details on that plz. I’m not entirely sure how I feel about her yet, she doesn’t seem totally genuine. We’ll see. Next up is Vanessa, the lovely Canadian. She’s a special needs teacher and is 100% Italian. Based on Nick Viall’s cooking Instastories, he’d be all about that life. Not a day goes by that he’s not making a red sauce. Josephine is next and she has a cat and I’m not loving her hair extensions. She’s kind of an oddball. Raven is from Arkansas and her life is all about family, faith, and football. She performs a classic walk along the train tracks to show that her town is so small, not even trains go there anymore! We might have another Warsaw, Indiana situation this year and we may need to #PrayForHoxie. Corinne is next up and her life is glamorous meaning SHE HAS A NANNY. Oh man, do I hate this girl already. She is privileged, knows it, and does not care. Also, there is literally no way she’s running a multi-million dollar business. Daddy seems to be giving her some things to do to make her feel important. Look, y’all, I am not about that life where girls hate other girls, but Corinne needs a serious reality check on her life. Alexis is next and has a sumo costume and I genuinely love her. She’s obsessed with dolphins and she and her sisters could not look more different. Danielle M. (couldn’t the producers just choose one Danielle to feature????) is from Nashville and clearly spent hours upon hours walking up and down the pedestrian bridge, which, by the way, is not that big. She has an incredibly mousy voice and she saves the lives of actual babies. Taylor is from Seattle and is a mental health counselor who went to Johns Hopkins (YAHS GURL WERQ). She’s struggled a lot with the fact that she is biracial, and based on her intro to that, she does not speak with her dad. Liz is a doula from Las Vegas and OH SHIT SHE WAS JADE’S MOH AND HAS SLEPT WITH NICK ALREADY. Jury is certainly out on Liz. She seems cool, but why go on national television to confront your one night stand? She wouldn’t give Nick her phone number when he asked, so is she all of a sudden interested again just because he’s on TV now?

Finally, it’s time for Nick to meet the women and it’s a new year, so a new fake rainstorm has affected just the Bachelor Mansion. These women better be careful or they might slip! Chris Harrison greets Nick who, by the way, is in a full three piece suit and polka dot tie, and wants to know what Nick would say to these women who are about to drive up. First of all, Chris Harrison looks like an actual ant next to Nick, and secondly Nick just says that he wants these women to ask any questions they might have? What a weird piece of advice, Nick. Chris bids Nick good luck and the first limo arrives! First up is Danielle L. whose dress is gorgeous, but she is incredibly nervous. She has a fake nervous laugh that I hope goes away sometime soon. Elizabeth is next and also is wearing a beautiful dress, but, like, it is a wedding dress. So. Rachel is next and plays fantasy football, but the “only plays she was to make are for [Nick’s] heart”. Yahs, gurl. Christen used a weird fan to like sort of dance sort of just prove her hip flexibility? Taylor comes out and Nick just tells her that “she’s got this”, but then Taylor goes on to tell Nick that all of her friends think that he’s a “piece of shit”. What a way to make a man fall for you, Taylor! Even Nick sarcastically quips that he “can’t wait to meet Taylor’s friends”. Same. Kristina is foreign, Angela is very sweet and is a model, Lauren seems super cool and her last name is Hussey, so with their last names together (Viall and Hussey), they are a disgusting slut. Michelle is a food truck owner, Dominique is cute and I like her energy, Ida Marie is an incredibly chill person and asks Nick to do a trust fall with her. THANK GOD it works. Honestly, wouldn’t put it past the producers to have Nick physically drop a woman on the first night. Olivia is from Alaska and makes Nick do an eskimo kiss with her. Also she gave her coat to Nick? Girl, don’t you need that??? Sarah literally comes up the driveway running and tells Nick that she’s “another runner up” and I agree whole-heartedly with Nick’s assessment: “As far as runner up jokes, that was pretty good”. Loving Sarah right now. Jasmine G. brings ACTUAL NEIL LANE plus engagement rings she’s already chosen. RUN, NICK, RUN NOW. Hailey is another Canadian and isn’t wearing underwear. Astrid is German and her breasts are real and now it’s time for Liz. Liz doesn’t even say her name, but Nick is looking at her real weird. She kinda leaves him stunned and she walks in saying that she’s not surprised that he doesn’t remember her. We cut back to Nick’s shifty eyes and something’s clearly up.

When we come back, Chris Harrison is questioning Nick all about who this Liz girl is, and kind of to my surprise, he actually does know who she is. He’ll have to ask her about that later. Same. Corinne is next and gives Nick a hug token that Nick is supposed to cash in later. Blech. Vanessa steps out of the limo and Nick is so clearly sexually attracted to her. Danielle M. brought homemade maple syrup for Nick and makes him taste it off of her finger? They chat about how proud they are of their french toast recipes. I mean, it’s not that difficult a recipe, but sure, you kids have fun fake fighting about that. Raven yells “Pig Suey!”, Jaimi is in a very teeny cocktail dress and has balls, Briana wants to listen to Nick’s heart and Susannah gives Nick a beard massage. Josephine thinks that Nick is a “wiener in her book” and actually makes Nick eat an uncooked hot dog? GURL WHAT? Brittany is cute, but she made Nick bend over as she put a rubber glove on her hand. THEN WE CUT AWAY? TRULY WHAT HAPPENED????? This is also the onslaught of red dresses including Jasmine B., Whitney who seems sweet, and Lacey, who showed up on a camel because she heard Nick loves a “good hump”. Hmm, alright. Alexis, FINALLY, is last and comes in a FULL shark costume and heels and she “dolphinitely can’t wait to talk to him inside”. LOLing. So those are the 30 women. Only Alexis was memorable as far as limo exits goes honestly. Nick walks into the mansion, which by the way, has unbelievably stunning new couches this season, and tells the women thanks for coming and he is looking for a woman with a strong personality and someone who is truly his partner. Here’s hoping she’s in this room.

Cocktail party time! Rachel is first up to talk with Nick and they instantly have such a natural rapport. Rachel lived in Milwaukee for a few years because she went to Law School at Marquette (hey, my parents went to Marquette!), so although she’s a Cowboys fan, she understands his love for the Packers. *Editor’s note: Truly what are the chances that I watched this immediately following a Packer game to decide that the Packers would be traveling to Dallas to play the Cowboys in the playoffs.* Nick talks about how he’s from a family of 10 siblings and Rachel has a big family, too. They seem to have such a great conversation, but I can’t tell if it’s romantic or not. Christen talks to him next and sort of teaches him how to dance, Danielle L’s laugh still doesn’t seem genuine, and Raven wants to know something about Nick that he wouldn’t tell many people. Chris Harrison then walks in to drop off the first impression rose and I want to be best friends with whichever woman says that her “heart is in [her] ass now”. I bet it was Alexis. Seems very Alexis-y. Corinne has ANOTHER bag of tokens for Nick in a bag straight out of Looney Tunes. Vanessa is up next and says that her friend submitted her for The Bachelor, but she was pleased to find out that it was Nick. His friend submitted him, too, which I thought was a cute commonality for them. He’s so clearly super into her, I kind of love it. Of course, and I mean, OF COURSE, Corinne interrupts Vanessa right before Nick is about to kiss her. Somehow, Corinne manages to make out with Nick for a minute and he seems all about it until his confessional when he says that he felt really uncomfortable. DUDE, YOUR TONGUE DIDN’T LOOK ALL THAT UNCOMFORTABLE. Corinne wrangles Sarah into her insecure conversation, which makes me sad because Sarah seems cool. Corinne asks “Do you think you’re gonna kiss him tonight?”. Honestly, the amount of fishing for compliments Corinne is doing is DISGUSTING. Stop needing so much attention, girl, it is not cute. I love that Liz heard that Corinne kissed Nick and is just like “I don’t care, I’ve slept with him”. HAHAH TRU. Corinne’s kiss set off the crazy, though, and all the girls go batshit. Jasmine G. is already crying and it’s only been like 30 minutes. Clearly, this will be the most dramatic season yet.

We come back and Alexis is simply wading in the pool still in her shark costume. Corinne thinks that Alexis has a “bad body” just because she’s wearing a shark costume. UGH. Nick walks over to Alexis in the pool and just says “Oh, okay, you’re just milking it.” Next up, I think should be the slogan for the entire season:

“I have a shark, she thinks she’s a dolphin, that’s a concern.”

                      –Nick Viall, 2017

God, this whole interaction is gold because he tells Alexis that “If [she] takes it off, the only thing [he] can assure [her] is that [she’s] going home.” I’m dead.

One of the next notes I have is that one of the girls is wondering if Nick has dated anyone outside of the shows. LITERALLY OF COURSE. Speaking of, Liz talks to Nick and she says that she didn’t want Nick to think that she was there just because he’s the Bachelor. Gurl, what other choice would he have? They do have a natural chemistry, though, and it’s obviously because they’ve met before, but it does seem genuine as well. Liz is still kicking herself for not giving Nick her number, though. Corinne, classic Corinne, says that some of the girls seem irrelevant, and Taylor can’t stop telling Nick that her friends think he’s a piece of shit. Danielle M. is originally from Germantown, WI (!!!) and it’s so clear that Nick is a little nervous around her it’s really cute. Time to actually give out the first impression rose, and honestly surprisingly, it goes to Rachel. I honestly love it, though, he’s right, they did have a really easy conversation, and although I think she’s a smart ass boss woman who probably doesn’t need this show, I’m happy for them. They share a quick kiss and I’m excited for them. Cut to this Kristina girl actually WEEPING because she didn’t get the first impression rose. WHAT???

Rose Ceremony time! Nick opens by telling the girls that there is not a single girl there that is not deserving of love. (HOW CAN YOU HATE NICK WHEN HE SAYS STUFF LIKE THAT?) On to the roses! Congratulations to: Vanessa (!!!), Danielle L., Christen, Astrid, Corinne (ugh), Elizabeth W., Jasmine G., Raven, Kristina, Danielle M., Sarah, Josephine, Lacey, Taylor, Alexis, Hailey, Whitney, Dominique, Jaimi, Brittany, and Liz! Before we say BAI to everyone else, I just have to say that I have never seen a more genuine moment on this show than when Alexis walked up to accept her rose. Nick and all of the girls were laughing so genuinely, I’m obsessed. Yes, she’s delusional, but she’s hilarious. Anyway, BAI to Angela, Briana, Ida Marie, Jasmine B., Lauren, Michelle, Olivia, and Susannah! We literally didn’t even get to see most of these girls leave, but when they do it is most certainly daylight. We end with the traditional toast and a token comment from Corinne about how “confident” she is. Sure, Corinne, sure.

THIS SEASON ON THE BACHELOR: they go to Antartica, Nick dances with Rachel, and he maybe kisses Raven? Or is it Whitney? Nick and Corinne, unfortunately, make out some more, Vanessa, praise, gets some kisses, too. Jaimi is bi, or at least has had a relationship with a woman, and OMG THE BACKSTREET BOYS ARE THERE. Better than the damn country stars they always invite on. Corinne takes her top off, Nick makes out with Taylor, and Christen knows about Liz hooking up with Nick pre-show. Corinne says that her “vajeen is platinum”, PUKE, and she’ll show up to his hotel room just hell-bent on sleeping with him one night. Nick thinks he’s made a huge mistake, but maybe that mistake is just still wearing a LiveStrong bracelet. AND FINALLY, THE PROPOSAL IS IN COLD WEATHER. TRULY MY DREAM. Oh man, oh man, am I excited. Until next time!

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