OMG YOU GUYS. THEY’RE IN MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN. I’m pretty sure everyone who is reading this knows that I share a hometown with Mr. Nick Viall. And this week, we get to visit the lovely Wisconsin city. Let’s jump into as quickly as humanly possible because y’all know I got a lot to say!
We head back to the lamest pool party of the century to find all the girls, except Corinne of course, just sitting around talking about how disrespectful Corinne is. They’re not loving that Corinne leads with her sexuality and Taylor even says that she has zero maturity. Vanessa, as we saw last week, confronts Nick, and says that she’s not going to be dancing around him or shaking her tatas in front of him—in fact, she’ll give back her rose if that’s what Nick is into. At this point, of course, I was all “YAHS VANESSA”, but then was a little disappointed that not a single one of the girls gave back their own roses when, spoiler alert, Corinne gets hers. Come on, ladies, we want you to give back your roses! Nick tells Vanessa, though, that he wants her to call him out on his shit, but also wants her to be patient. Am I the only one that thought this conversation was essentially him telling her to ride out the producer’s picks until the two of them can ride off into the sunset? I mean, it’s more clear than ever that Nick is just straight up not into Corinne. Chris Harrison comes in and says that the pool party is over and it’s time to get ready for the rose ceremony—Corinne has been sleeping for most of it and everyone is pissed. Taylor and Sarah decide to wake her up, though, and basically it’s just a conversation about real, grown women being pissed about bounce houses and Corinne thinking that she is in “no way” privileged. OH OKAY. Corinne also thinks that Sarah and Taylor are obsessed with her. TBH, I think she’s probably right. I’m not saying I wouldn’t be as focused on Corinne as all of these girls are, but seriously, she’s all they’re talking about all the time. Also, the confessional footage of Corinne this week must have been recorded a solid 4 months after they wrapped principal shooting, yes? She looks physically older and her hair has figured itself out. Okay so NOW we finally get to give out some roses. Astrid looks like a DAMN STAR in her dress for the rose ceremony, by the way, same with Jaimi and her straight hair. I wrote “(insert woman’s name) is a star” about 10,000 times this week in my notes. Anyway, congratulations to Raven, Taylor, Whitney, Kristina, Jasmin, Alexis, Astrid, Danielle M., Jaimi, Josephine, Sarah, and, of course, Corinne. Big ole BAI to Christen and Brittany, both sweet girls, of course. Christen gives Nick some major side eye on her way out and Brittany says that she used to make fun of all the girls that would cry when they left, but now she gets it. Nick, or rather Corinne, gives a toast to the remaining girls and Nick ends up saying that it “means a lot” to him that the women are so close. I suppose that’s probably true, but I can’t help but think that he honestly thinks it’s a little weird for him that they’re all so close. Who’s to know really. Anyway, Corinne is physically eating her rose which is gross AF.
The next day, Chris Harrison walks in and announces that this week, they’re heading to MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN. I knew this was happening even before this season aired and I still freaked out, I love seeing my home on television. He also says that this is the beginning of their journey with Nick meaning that they’re never coming back to the mansion and its gorgeous new couches this season. I’m a little sad about that. 😦 They do this weird, very un-Bachelor-like, montage of the women flying to Wisco, and honestly that plane landing looked VERY unsafe. Alexis being the star she is says, “Hello Mom and Dad, I’m gonna be the wife.” I grow more in love with her on the daily. They go to Waukesha, Wisconsin first which is, and I’m sure I’ve said this in previous posts, where I took my driver’s license test as well as went to a state mandated alcohol education course (Shoutout to that party freshman year of college that turned weird!). Nick and his parents have coffee at this cute little restaurant where they forgot to get everyone to sign a release. His parents tell him they don’t ever want to be on this show again and I love them so much. They 100% are the most natural Bachelor family in history, like genuinely do not seem scripted. Nick meets up with the girls and says that they’re in Wisconsin at the best time of the year, which is absolutely ACCURATE! If you haven’t been to Milwaukee in the fall, you really haven’t lived. He has a one-on-one date right now with Danielle L. Alright, so before we jump into this date, I must say, I like Danielle L., I think she’s a cool girl and a boss ass bitch, but no one and I mean NO ONE can convince me that she and Nick have any sort of natural chemistry. Physically maybe in that they’re both hot people, but beyond that, there is no passion. WE NEED PASSION. They start by just walking around Waukesha and he tells her that he jumped in a river for $12 once. Hmm. He also says that he used to make out with girls at the library and got dumped when he was 11. They show up to this cute little bakery who has made a “Nickerdoodle” cookie for him which is just a headshot on a cookie. He and Danielle L. go to the back to decorate cookies, which seems fun, but Nick Viall is objectively bad at decorating cookies. They walk around some more and “casually” run into one of Nick’s exes! DRAMA! Just kidding, I peeped the wedding ring on her finger and the general non-familiarity this girl, Amber, has with Nick. Also, this Amber girl is barely one of Nick’s exes—they dated for 3 or 4 months, I’m assuming in high school or college. Not exactly any love lost, that’s for sure. They leave Amber, may she find happiness in her life, and go to Lowell Park that is not a mainstay of Milwaukee, WI, but they certainly frame it as such. But wait, this is sorta where Nick lost his virginity apparently, so maybe it should be a mainstay. They just sit on this blanket and sorta kiss and talk about old relationships and like, on paper, this conversation is going really well, but I am feeling nothing from either of them. For the evening, they go to The Iron Horse Hotel which is a lovely hotel and I’ve been in the exact place they were sitting! Could ABC not afford to close the restaurant, though? There is a lot of activity happening behind them. They spend the entire evening talking about how Danielle’s parents’ divorce may have affected her relationships. Spoiler alert: it maybe has? Danielle says that it made her mature at an early age. I’d buy that, I guess. She gets the rose, blah, blah, blah, I’m bored with them. Nick says that they’re going to another location to check off something on his bucket list. WHAT WAS ON HIS BUCKET LIST. THEY SHOW UP TO THE PABST THEATER FOR A CONCERT, SEEMS REALLY DO-ABLE NICK. At least it’s not a private concert. By the by, I remember I was home for some reason when they were filming this concert and I’m pissed I wasn’t there. Maybe Nick’s next season!
Time for another date card! “Rachel, Alexis, Vanessa, Jasmine, Jaimi, Sarah, Whitney, Kristina, Astrid, Taylor, Josephine, Danielle M., Corinne: say cheese!” Um, is anyone on this planet not on this date???? But, this means that Raven has a one-on-one! As someone with Raven in my final four, I’m V EXCITED to see this one-on-one. Let’s head to the farm, first, though. Alright, so the thousand women show up on a dairy farm, and I just gotta say, they had to travel pretty far to get there. Seriously, there aren’t all that many dairy farms close to Milwaukee and Waukesha. I mean, I’m not talking hours away, but even Nick says, we’re city-folk if we’re from Milwaukee, we’re not constantly going to farms. Corinne is already in a pissy mood and wishes she were in a spa being fed a chicken taco. HARD SAME. They walk up and Nick is just bottle feeding some baby cows which I guess is endearing. They basically just start doing farm chores like feeding the cows and shoveling shit and milking the cows. YA KNOW, REAL FUN STUFF FOR A DATE. Jaimi is weirdly really good at milking cows and Nick is not. Corinne gives up mid-everything and goes to sit on a rock while everyone else enjoys their manual labor date. Sarah tries to be fun and says that she doesn’t “know if it’s cow shit or bull shit, but [she] smells shit”. CUTE! They end up at this place called The Paine? Another non-mainstay of Milwaukee, WI, but okay. The entire night, seriously, is just about Corinne. Corinne, by the way, apparently sat out much of the date because of a “serious medical issue” meaning she lost circulation in her hands and almost had to go to the hospital. If that’s true, sorry girl, but I JUST KNOW IT’S NOT TRUE. I HATE HER SO MUCH. Corinne wants to confront the girls and ask them to speak with her directly if they have any issues. Immediately Sarah is like “Yep, why are you ready to marry a 36 year old man” and Corinne is all like “I just am”. Solid argument. Corinne says in one of her confessionals that she’s like a luxury yellow corn. She also calls corn kernels “pellets”, which is wrong, but if I spent that much time dissecting Corinne’s words, I would hate my life. She says to the girls that she has not been feeling comfortable or overwhelmed and, oh, also, she’s really sorry for sleeping. YOU. ARE. MISSING. THE. POINT. CORINNE. OLYMPIOS. She does deliver one of my favorite comparisons in modern entertainment when she tells us that “Michael Jordan, Abraham Lincoln, they all took naps!”. Probably true. She doesn’t think that age has anything to do with anything. Probably not true. She starts to, again, blame her behavior on some medical issues, but now says that she’s “good” with everyone. UGH EVEN WRITING THIS, I CAN’T FOLLOW THE LOGIC. It’s such a non conversation and experience I’m so over it. Vanessa and Kristina both talk to her straight up, though, and Corinne is clearly not interested in hearing anything. She says that the girls are fighting for a “fiance not a pickle”. Hmmm. While all this drama was going on, Nick was having a lovely conversation with Kristina, was getting the sweetest book ever from Vanessa’s students, and telling Rachel that he wants her to continue being vulnerable. Seriously, we’re missing some real, interesting conversations because of Corinne’s shit. Corinne does end up talking with Nick, but he is leaning SO FAR away from her physically and because they didn’t kiss, Corinne calls it “more of an adult convo”. Kristina ends up getting the group date rose, which I’m surprisingly on board for.
Time for Raven’s one-on-one! I LOVE Raven on this date, seriously, it’s amazing. They meet up and head to another park to watch some young girls play soccer. STAY WITH ME FOLKS. It’s actually Nick’s sister Bella who’s playing and Raven gets to meet her and do some soccer drills with her team before the game. These girls are actually AMAZING at soccer. Way to go, Bella. The actual game starts and Raven and Nick cheer the team on from the sideline. About halfway through, it seems like Nick and Raven are just getting ready to leave, but SURPRISE, they’re just going to meet Nick’s parents. Then Nick’s father just actually falls in love with Raven and sorta kinda hits on her. Blech. Raven says she was intimidated to meet them, which, OF COURSE, it’s actually your first date. Nick, adorably, says that two very important ladies in his life, Bella and Raven, are both bringing their A-Game. AWW! They head to WAUKESHA SKATELAND, a place I’ve had many a field trip and gone roller skating. Raven and Bella hang out and actually have the MOST natural chemistry in history for two people who just met today. It’s a really adorable date and Nick, Raven, and Bella go skating around and get some fun prizes and it’s all just really cute. He even says that it’s one of the best dates he’s ever been on. Could not agree more. Raven is nervous, though, because her feelings got really deep. YES, I love her. They go to the MILWAUKEE ART MUSEUM for their dinner! OMG. Guys. Hang with me for a second. I LOVE the Milwaukee Art Museum. I took my senior pictures there! It’s where I want to have my wedding reception! Unfortch, it’s MINIMUM 10Grand to rent out the space, so unless this blog hits it big, I probz won’t be having it there. Anyway, it’s the most gorgeous space ever and it’s set up for a little dinner for two. Raven tells a very detailed and amazing story about her last relationship—she mentioned it before, but she walked in on her ex-boyfriend cheating on her. She got a call from one of his coworkers, I guess this guy was a doctor, and this woman said he was watching Raven’s boyfriend about to cheat on her at this bar. So Raven, being the star she is, grabs her mom’s car and heads over to his house. When she gets there, the bedroom door is LOCKED and she KICKS IT OPEN and starts punching her boyfriend. She also knows what that girl’s vagina looks like. LOL. After she punched him in the face, she picked up this girl’s stiletto and starting beating her boyfriend in the head. I do not condone physical violence, but DAMN, RAVEN, YOU GO GIRL. She didn’t tell anyone about that experience for a really long time and Nick says he understands it probably made her feel ashamed because he felt that way, too, when he was cheated in. Raven learned, though, that she is valuable: she is smart, intelligent, and kinda cute. YOU GO RAVEN. Omg, I could NOT be more obsessed with that sentiment. This genuinely was the most natural, fun date, I had so much fun watching it. Nick says he “loves” (!!!) that Raven is an interesting, sassy woman. She gets the rose and they somehow have rollerblades to just skate around the museum. Raven ends by telling us that she’s falling in love with Nick! UGH, I’M SO EXCITED FOR THEM!
It’s time for the cocktail party and it’s truly at another farm. A ton of the ladies are repeating night one and wearing red again. Tonight, Corinne wants to take down Taylor, though. Before she can, Danielle L. steals Nick first then promises to return him right away. Taylor gets weirdly pissed—am I the only one that thinks Danielle L. taking him first is probably the classiest thing she could do? Better than steal him right before the rose ceremony. Whatever. Taylor goes to interrupt Danielle L. and Nick almost immediately and has to just stand there while Danielle L. speaks for what feels like hours. FINALLY, Danielle L. is done chatting and Taylor and Nick sit down by the fire and they’re randomly very physical with each other? Not buying their connection. Meanwhile, Corinne and Josephine are STUFFING their faces and I’m proud of them for that. What I’m not proud of, however, is how bitchy Josephine is being. Josephine randomly hates Taylor now and is trying to be Corinne’s best friend. She tells her that she, meaning Corinne, has hardly said anything behind people’s backs. EXSQUEEZEME???????? JOSEPHINE WHAT THE HELL YOU TALKING ABOUT. Corinne says that she’s going to rip Taylor a new one and Josephine says that she’ll back her up. JOSEPHINE, YOU KNOW YOU JUST TURNED A NATION AGAINST YOU, YES? Corinne grabs Taylor and they sit down and Corinne tells her that the way that she’s been treated by Taylor is disgusting. It’s kind of a long conversation, but Taylor basically says that Corinne does not have the emotional intelligence or maturity to be in a relationship with anyone. Genuinely, and I mean, genuinely, although I think Corinne is an idiot and I hate her, Taylor is just gas lighting her. Like for real making her feel like a crazy person. I sorta kinda agree with Corinne on this one, I’m not sure I’d want Taylor to be my Mental Health Counselor. Corinne does come off like an idiot, maybe because she says she runs a “multi-million dollar company” (doubtful) and that she thinks she’s smarter than Taylor (also doubtful). We end with Corinne saying that Taylor is like the “shit she scooped in her shovel”, then TO BE CONTINUED. I’M SO OVER THESE CLIFF HANGER EPISODES, LET’S JUST END WITH A ROSE CEREMONY AGAIN????
Next week on The Bachelor: a two-on-one with Taylor and Corinne, praise, and crocodiles! Also, we found out that Alexis’ biggest fears are Nicholas Cage, the actor, and aliens. Also, she thinks Raven is an alien. SHE’S A STAR.