The Bachelor 2017: Week 5

Woof. What a week it was. And I might hate someone more than I hate Corinne. As we saw, previously on The Bachelor: Corinne took her top off, Nick grabbed her boobs, and she confronted Taylor who has spent three weeks just shitting on her. This week, we pick up where we left off, let’s get to it!


We jump back into the “confrontation” between Corinne and Taylor. Taylor still thinks that Corinne is emotionally unintelligent and Taylor still thinks she’s smarter and better than Corinne. I thought she might be up until this week’s episode, but we’ll get there soon enough. I have to say, Taylor’s left eyebrow deserves an Emmy, it is serving. All of the other girls are looking on as Taylor and Corinne talk in circles and even Raven says that Corinne hasn’t actually done anything to Taylor. Corinne tries to flip the conversation around and says that Taylor gives everyone in the house attitude—if she doesn’t like someone, she just literally won’t talk to them. I half respect her for it, half want to punch her snotty face. That previous sentence applies to both Taylor and Corinne, by the way. Taylor genuinely has no real comeback for these accusations and just kind of sits there silently with her eyebrow, again, doing all the work. Corinne, of course noting this, says that Taylor probably feels alone and sad now because that’s exactly how she felt last week. Uh, okay. And that’s pretty much it. Seriously, nothing gets resolved and it becomes abundantly clear that these are two insanely manipulative women. I’ll preface the rest of this recap by letting you know that I begrudgingly hate Taylor now. Don’t get me wrong, she’s insanely smart and probably cool. My main hesitation for straight up hating her is that Vanessa and Danielle M. have recently gone on a girls trip with Taylor and Kristina, so clearly two of my faves love this girl. AGH I’M SO CONFLICTED. Anyway, once Corinne and Taylor finally stop manipulating each other, Corinne chats with Nick. Can you even imagine how over this damn drama Nick is? He basically just listens to Corinne say that Taylor is a crazy person and then thanks her for bringing it to his attention. Cannot even for a second believe that he’s actually thankful for that. Corinne says in her confessional that she is “the queen” then she actually says “#WINNING” and I’m back to hating her more than Taylor. FINALLY it’s rose ceremony time and it’s abundantly clear that the production budget for this season did NOT go to finding a location with central heat. These women are FREEZING. Also apparently mature? Nick says that because these are mature women, they’ll work out some of this drama amongst themselves. Hmm, not so sure about that. Time to give out the roses to the coldest women in history—Nick gives his pre-rose speech, but I can barely focus because he is shrouded in a cumulonimbus cloud generated from the heat of his breath. HAVE I MENTIONED IT’S FREEZING? In essence, he pre-apologizes for the women that he’s about to send home. Cool. Anyways, congrats to Whitney (WUT, WHY?), Danielle M., Jasmine (WHAT IS THIS ORDER???), Rachel, Jaimi, Josephine, Vanessa, Alexis, Corinne, and Taylor. Bai to Astrid and Sarah! I’m genuinely a little bit sad about both of them leaving! Astrid, as we know, I recently discovered is a star, and Sarah is sweet and had a genuinely funny limo entrance! Sarah leaves with a classic “this is not how any of this was supposed to go” and Astrid leaves with dignity and grace as expected. Or at least expected since I started to like her a week or two ago. I wrote down, at this point, that this is the most random collection of women to ever be left at this point in the franchise, but I don’t actually believe that’s true, we just haven’t gotten to know any of them because DAMN CORINNE AND TAYLOR were taking up all the screen time. Anyway, Nick announces that they’re heading to New Orleans this weekend and he’s super “jazzed” about it. Ugh.


They do another weird non-Bachelor-like travel montage on the way to NOLA and we find out that the Bachelor airline of choice is Southwest! Same! Nick says that he can’t imagine a more perfect place to fall in love. Hmm lots of throwing that word around so early in this “journey”. Alexis says her name is “Miss Louisiana” and she likes “gators, grits, and a good time”. We are not worthy of her greatness. Raven says that this is going to be a dramatic week and one of the girls might end up buying a voodoo doll. Raven is clearly the girl the producers go to if they need some quips thrown in here and there. Love her for it. I think you could probably look back at every season of the show I’ve ever recapped and found that in my Week 5 recap I’m always STUNNED that we’re already half way through this thing. WTH??? Anyway, Chris Harrison comes in and tells the girls that this week, there will be a one-on-one, a group date, and the dreaded two-on-one. Lol the girls act like they have no clue who’s going to be on that date. First date card shows up: “Rachel—where have you beignet all my life?” OMG. She’s so nervous, it’s so adorable. Taylor is pissed that she didn’t get the one-on-one this week. Lol as if.


Rachel walks up to find Nick in a market—YOU KNOW THE CLASSIC LOCAL MARKET DATE—and she is looking fierce as hell. Nick says that something about Rachel just clicks with him, and, I gotta say, despite her getting the first impression rose and me liking Rachel a lot, I wasn’t entirely convinced about their chemistry until now. They’re OBSESSED with each other. It’s seriously so fun to watch. Even Nick says that he and Rachel have the most explosive chemistry. Ooh la la, same was said about Mr. Luke Pell and JoJo last season. They head over to Café Du Monde and have some beignets and 1. They look delicious and 2. These two seem like they’re already dating. I’M OBSESSED. They head outside and join up with something called a “Second Line”, I guess? I don’t know, Rachel knows everything, so of course she already knew about this New Orleans tradition. They dance down the streets with parasols and kiss and I just love it. Also, the girls have to watch from their penthouse. SAVAGE, PRODUCERS, SAVAGE. Rachel and Nick head around the French Quarter and they end up at this bar with truly the WEIRDEST collection of extras they could find. Also this girl LoLo, who is finally not a country singer, but I feel like they gave her a really weird song to showcase. Nick looks over at Rachel while she’s watching this girl perform and my heart MELTS. Rachel says that this has been the best date of her life. It’s time for dinner and they go to this garage that is full of all these mardi gras floats. Rachel goes on to tell Nick that she’s been to New Orleans twice in the last year, the second time she was here for a funeral—that’s how she knows what a Second Line is. They’re often used in celebration, but also during funerals. She made a decision to live her life to the fullest when she was in that last Second Line, so coming on the show was her way of making that happen. Nick is so clearly obsessed with that answer and her in general. At this point, I’m wondering about Nick and his life. Rachel is clearly crazy smart, accomplished, fun, beautiful—the fact that Nick loves this girl so much is seriously a tick in the “Pro” box for Nick Viall. I don’t know enough about him though—is he book smart? If he’s this genuine with Rachel, and that’s really the genuine Nick Viall, then am I the only one who feels like this isn’t a guy who would normally be on a show like this? Meaning, seriously, seriously, why is this guy still single at 35? Like, obviously this guy has faults, I didn’t mean to turn this part of the recap into a giant question about Nick Viall and his intentions, but just think about it, y’all. Think about it. Nick starts asking Rachel about her family (!!!) and wants to know what’s going to happen when he meets them (!!!). Rachel says that her dad is a federal judge and can be super intimidating. Oh, also, when Nick meets him, he should call him “Sir”. Nick then reveals that one of his major insecurities is that when he does ask for a woman’s hand in marriage, the parents won’t take him seriously because he’s already done it twice on national television. Valid concern for sure. Rachel says that what she does all day at work doesn’t allow her to be vulnerable, so it sometimes takes her awhile to open up and she’s surprised by how much she feels for him already. Nick says, and I quote, that he’s “SUPER INTO HER”. I’M DEAD. I JUST AM SO THRILLED FOR THE TWO OF THEM. She gets her rose and all I’m saying is that if she doesn’t get the final rose or is the next Bachelorette, I’m about to give up on the franchise, SHE’S THE GREATEST.


Next date card: “Josephine, Kristina, Alexis, Raven, Jaimi, Vanessa, Danielle M., Whitney, Jasmine, Danielle L.—‘Till death do us part.”. You’ll note that rarely, this season, are the date cards signed with the typical “Love, Nick”. Hmm. But now all the girls know that it will be Corinne and Taylor on the 2-on-1. Ooh goodie.


All the girls show up to this place the “Houmas House”, which is apparently one of the most haunted places in Louisiana. Josephine runs up to Nick and says that she loves all the “oak trees”. Don’t even know anything about trees and I know those are not oak trees. Nick asks which of the girls believe in ghosts and literally all of them raise their hands. Raven says that she is going to “rebuke that thing in the name of Jesus” if they see a ghost. LOL. There’s a weird creepy like groundskeeper guy who serves them all Mint Juleps then tells them the story of a little girl, Mae, who was 8 when she died in the house and now she haunts it. Jasmine is NOT on board for this story. They walk around the house and Boo, the groundskeeper guy, just tells them what they should and should not touch including the CREEPIEST doll in history. They all convene in this weird living room and play with a Ouija board, which, you know, seems like just a dumb idea. Basically they just walk around the house in small groups and get freaked out by a bunch of stuff and Jasmine wreaks havoc and essentially makes Mae REAL PISSED.


Meanwhile, Taylor and Corinne are “getting into the right mindset”, which, apparently to Taylor means sitting in a circle of lit cnadles, and for Corinne, means ordering room service for 4. Another time I’m on Corinne’s side here. Corinne also says “intelligencey”, which is not a word, but is proving Taylor’s point.


Back at the Houmas House, Danielle L. go to chat and she can’t stop saying “like” and actually can’t really stop saying anything. Gurl loves to chat. However,


“Absent makes the heart grow stronger.”

-Nick Viall, 2017


Alright, maybe he isn’t as smart as I thought 2 paragraphs ago. Vanessa and Danielle M. are both clearly not into this date, but they stand in front of this mirror and ask Mae to be chill. Danielle M. ends up chatting with Nick and even Nick says that his relationship with her has been moving pretty slowly. I love Danielle M., but it’s true, we haven’t really seen them connect again since their first date. They sort of half-connect again and obviously they like each other, but I’m worried that they’re falling behind. Raven and Nick talk next and she literally says that she’s FALLEN IN LOVE WITH HIM. He tries to ask about it, but she just powers through then in her confessional she says that she owns it. YOU GO, RAVEN. Danielle M. ends up with the group date rose and we can finally move on from poor Mae.

Hoooboy, so it’s finally time for the two-on-one. Corinne says that it’s time to “Make America Corinne Again” and honestly OF COURSE. They show up to this swamp and get in this boat and then A GIANT MAN JUMPS IN THE BACK OF THE BOAT AND I LITERALLY SCREAMED MY HEAD OFF. TRULY SO MUCH SCARIER THAN THE LAST DATE IN ITS ENTIRETY. They show up to literally THE WOODS and find this ritual going on. We find out that this woman they’re meeting is a Voodoo priestess so this date is going to be, in my opinion, creepier than the ghosts. Also, what is up with two-on-ones always being in some sort of wilderness?? The voodoo priestess tells them that they’re going to have a tarot card reading so the three of them sit down with this other voodoo priestess woman who tells them that there is simply TOO MUCH STRESS. Corinne and Nick head out so that Taylor can get her reading. Oh, Taylor is a water sign, by the way, and she will not stop talking about it for the rest of the episode. Corinne tells Nick that Taylor “emotionally attacked” her. Hate to be cliché, but NO ONE CAN EMOTIONALLY ATTACK YOU WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT. Taylor’s reading basically just tells her Corinne is a bitch. I’m not so sure I trust this Voodoo priestess. Taylor and Nick head out to talk and Nick tells Taylor that Corinne just told him that Taylor called Corinne “stupid”. Seriously. We’re watching a middle school fight on primetime television. Nick has a decision to make so he goes, presumably, somewhere else in the woods leaving Taylor and Corinne to talk. Taylor hopes Corinne feels “like she used [her] time wisely to lie to him”. Honestly, Taylor, Corinne does feel like she used her time wisely, how can you not tell???? Nick comes back and gives this long speech that I do not care about and ends up giving Corinne the rose. Gross. Why did both of these women not go home. They’re immature, emotionally manipulative, and BORING. I’M OVER IT. Corinne and Nick head back out on the boat leaving Taylor with this small Voodoo tribe. She makes sure they know that SHE’S A WATER SIGN and also they just like throw a bunch of oil on her. Corinne and Nick go to dinner and it honestly looks like a step-dad and the teenage daughter who needs attention. They are a MISMATCH. Surprise, surprise, though, since TAYLOR IS A WATER SIGN, she has something up her sleeve and walks from the wilderness all the way to their dinner spot. “Hey, guys.” TO BE CONTINUED.


NEXT WEEK ON THE BACHELOR: Taylor just cannot leave and will end up looking like the crazy one, everyone is scared for Nick about something, and Nick cries a lot. SO MUCH DRAMA.


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