The Bachelor 2017: Week 7

Wow. I hate to agree with the producers of The Bachelor, but I gotta say, this kinda, sort is the most dramatic season ever! Take last week for example: Jasmine literally went crazy, Whitney somehow made it to week six, and Nick FREAKED THE EFF OUT. So let’s get into this week to find out if Nick is going to throw in the towel or if he’ll continue on in his journey to find love. Also, I’m setting up a search party to find Vanessa. LET’S DO IT!


We open on pure silence when Rachel, Raven, and Kristina are all talking about Nick’s breakdown the night before. They’re also all ignoring these delicious looking cinnamon rolls sitting right in front of their faces. Corinne wouldn’t let this happen. All of the girls seem to know exactly why Nick was so upset last night. I have a feeling they might not. While the girls are decompressing from their night of concern, Nick meets up with Chris Harrison on an overturned boat on the beach. Kinda morbid. Nick says that there are a million ways that this won’t work out for him and Chris straight up asks him if he’s ready to quit and walk away from it all. Now, they do a great job at framing this so it looks like he might walk away, but also ABC has very clearly blocked out the remaining hour and 50 minutes for this show, so I’m not all that concerned. Nick and Chris part and Nick heads out on a stroll along the beach. HEY NICK, MAYBE IF YOU TAKE OFF YOUR LIVESTRONG BRACELET LIFE WILL GET BETTER FOR YOU. He strolls all the way to the women’s hotel room and walks right back in, a near mirror of the scene from last night. He gathers all the women from their DIRTY ASS HOTEL ROOM (seriously, women, clean your space) and tells them that he only sent Danielle L. home because of the relationships that he has with the women that are still here. PHEW, he wants to continue! No one ever would have guessed! They’re all hopeful! It’s wonderful! Also, Nick Viall, either because it’s his fourth time on this show or because he’s blackmailed the producers, has cancelled two hallmarks of the franchise yet again—NO COCKTAIL PARTY OR ROSE CEREMONY TONIGHT. I’m getting real sick of not seeing rose ceremonies, ABC, REAL SICK OF IT. Instead of all that, they’re heading to Bimini! Where? Bimini is the island equivalent of Whitney. Who? Where? It should also be noted that Bimini is an island with exactly 2 dates worth of activities. There’s 4 dates this week, though, right? YOU’RE RIGHT.


So they land in Bimini and it, of course, does look beautiful. They have their own little house that I’m pretty sure they all think is haunted because all of the women jump constantly any time someone walks in a room or knocks on the door. The first date card shows up: “Vanessa, Let’s go deeper…-Nick”. Everyone is PISSED. Gotta give it to Corinne, though, “You lucky bitch”. This is about the time that Corinne begins her spiral out of control. She’s super frustrated and also really bloated. Vanessa heads out on her date and meets Nick at a pier to go on her first boat ride ever! Am I privileged or did anyone else find that weird and kind of unbelievable? The two of them have what seems to be a very long conversation about what went down last week. Nick says that he felt like he was forcing a relationship with Danielle L. so he sent her home. Vanessa believes that you’re only as happy as the last happy person in the relationship, so last week, seeing him so emotional really got to her. I mean, I agree with the sentiment, but I feel like Vanessa felt like that was a really profound thing to say and it just wasn’t. Meanwhile, at their home in Bimini, Corinne says that Vanessa has no depth to her. Mmmk. But Nick and Vanessa talk some more about last week (MOVE ON, PEOPLE) and Vanessa says that her fear going into this whole thing was Nick making himself fall for someone because that’s the point of the show. Oof, she hit the nail on the head with that one. How are we not always talking about that being a possibility on this show? They end up snorkeling around this old shipwreck that actually looks really cool. I kind of hate the ocean so this isn’t the date, or apparently season, for me, but it looks like they’re having fun. Was I the only one concerned that Vanessa was on another high motion-sickness-potential date? Good on her for keeping it down.


Back at the house, Corinne says that she wants Nick to meet her nanny/maid/best friend in the world Raquel. Honestly, I’m excited to meet her, too. It would be so satisfying to learn that Raquel is just this stoic, no-nonsense woman who doesn’t put up with shit from Corinne. Another date card is here! “Corinne, Kristina, Raven – Let’s jump in with both feet first…-Nick”. Corinne gets upset that she’s on yet another group date, and honestly I’m kind of upset for her. No, I absolutely do not want to see that one-on-one and I think that the producers know that, but this poor girl. Just throw her a bone!


Vanessa and Nick head to dinner and Vanessa’s body is beyond, the girl knows how to dress her figure. They toast to many more “firsts” for them, which I think is just a lovely toast. She loves how easy it is with Nick—she said that the thing she wanted in her next relationship was for it to be easy. It’s so very clear that Nick is obsessed with her, either that or he’s kinda tipsy, but they are still really cute together. I gotta say, it’s probably just because Corinne mentioned it and we also did not see much of this date, but I am a little concerned that there may not be all that much more to know about Vanessa. Still love her, obviously, but we’ve been focused on Corinne for 7 full weeks now, so I haven’t grown in love for her. Hopefully Nick has. She tells Nick that he’s made her feel really confident so she wants to tell him that she’s falling in love with him. Then Nick goes on to have this super weird response. Like it makes sense in conversation, just not this conversation. He basically says that he wants to take it slow and definitely only wants to say “I love you” to one woman. It takes him awhile to say it, though, and he definitely does not seem to be putting out the vibe that he’s falling in love with Vanessa. Vanessa is confused by the response and so am I. She even says that she assumed that Nick was going to give her a different answer than he might give to everyone else. That kinda breaks my heart because of course she assumes that, I mean every sane woman does when she’s dating someone, but this is not a normal situation. Vanessa also says that she’s afraid to end up the same way Nick did. Ouch.


It’s time for the group date, which is tHE EXACT SAME DATE THAT HE WENT ON YESTERDAY WITH VANESSA. No really. Kristina, Raven, and Corinne meet up with Nick, they chill on a boat and chat for awhile, then find a place to snorkel. This place is slightly different because there are sharks near where they are snorkeling so I guess that’s a fun and scary twist. Before they jump in, Nick proceeds to apply sunscreen to Kristina’s entire body including her inner thighs and Corinne is not about it. When Nick finally announces that they’re going to be swimming with sharks, though, we’re not sure that they actually do because there is nary a shot of the women swimming and sharks in the same frame. Corinne wants to know if the sharks are toothless. Lololol. Raven is just all about it, though, and is seemingly not afraid of anything. She’ll even punch a shark in the face if one gets near her. Honestly, I believe that. They head into the water and swim around a little, then we are lead to believe that they see a shark so Kristina freaks out and goes back on the boat with Nick in tow. Corinne is not happy and says that it’s not fair. Gurl, what’s not fair? It is kind of true, though, this honestly does seem like a one-on-one with Nick and Kristina and Raven and Corinne are just forced to watch while also having the added stress of maybe getting attacked by a shark. They head back from sea to this super cool house to have their cocktail party. Corinne is rocking A LOT of glitter. Brings me back to my Art Stuff by Bath & Body Works days. Kristina and Nick head out to chat first and Nick gets very emotional. He wants to make sure that his relationship with Kristina is ready to take the next steps. He just doesn’t want this not to work for him. They have a cute little cuddle sesh and genuinely do seem to like each other a lot. Raven and Corinne meanwhile are having a very stiff conversation—Corinne says that it is a huge date tonight and she’s just eating cheese. No seriously, she said that. I honestly respect her so much more now. Raven and Nick talk and we find out that Raven calls her dad “daddy”. Blech. Her parents, much like his, have been together for a really long time so they set the standard for her and her brother. We also find out that her dad was diagnosed with lung cancer 2 years ago, but he’s good now. But she dropped out of law school when he was diagnosed to move home. I sincerely cannot see Raven in law school, but okay.


Back at the house, Danielle is VERY startled by a knock at the door. It turns out to be a good knock, though! It’s a date card for her! “Danielle—Let’s ride off into the sunset together…-Nick”. She acts like a 4 year old. It’s half endearing/half not cute.


Time for Corinne and Nick to chat and so clearly Corinne is TRASHED. She is very honest with him, though, and says that she’s nervous because she hasn’t had a 1-on-1 with him yet. She hasn’t gotten the chance to “lock Corinne in with Nick”. LOLOLOLOLOL. Even Nick can’t stop laughing and “didn’t expect her to go third person there.” With Corinne, I have learned, expect the unexpected. Corinne makes him happy, though, apparently. It’s time for the group date rose and it goes to Raven! I’m genuinely a little surprised! They head off to what is not a private concert. It’s this guy Adam Freeman or something like that who for some reason flew out to Bimini for this 20 seconds of promo? Also he has VERY short legs. Corinne is flabbergasted that Raven has a hometown.


Corinne wakes up the next morning crying, just crying. Vanessa, alternatively, is nowhere to be found. Simply gone. Danielle heads off and tHANK GOD it’s another type of date. They’re going to explore all that Bimini has to offer: spoiler alert, it is very few, but cool, things. They ride a bike through the village and then just go around buying stuff they don’t need. Apparently the Fountain of Youth was discovered on Bimini! That’s one thing! Why don’t they go there? Once they’re done buying some souvenirs, they find some Bimini kids to play basketball with! It’s a very low hoop and Nick doesn’t let them win. No longer sure about him as a person, now. They sit down and have an awkward and not at all natural conversation about how if she takes him to her hometown she’d take him to her cabin up north. Let me translate for those not from Wisconsin—anywhere that is not Milwaukee is “Up North” and everyone either owns a cabin or someone in their family owns a cabin.


Back at the Bimini house, it’s time for the final date card! “Rachel—Let’s get a taste of the local flavor…-Nick”. Rachel LOVES the local stuff. If I were on this show, I probz would, too, but COME ON WE’RE CURRENTLY GETTING LOCAL FLAVOR WITH DANIELLE. Rachel is hoping for a good time and to end the week on a good note. Here’s hoping.


Danielle and Nick head to dinner and Danielle says that she had a wonderful day exploring the island and that she really liked being playful. I, for one, am not a fan of that adjective. She really is, and even Nick mentions it, like the sweetest person on earth. She’s also just the quietest person on Earth. PROJECT. USE YOUR DIAPHRAGM. I have several vocal coach friends in your area Danielle, I’ll set you up, gurl. Nick also says that he likes her face. Cute. She’s had relationships since her fiancé passed away, but none that made her want to bring anyone home, so she’s really excited to be bringing Nick home. Then we take a real dark turn in her confessional when she says that the last time she loved someone, they died. I mean, that is a sobering sentiment there, Danielle. She tells Nick that she thinks her family would like him and she also wants him to know that her heart is open to him. She wants to take on everything with him: the good, the bad, everything in between. Also, she’s falling in love with him. Then, just straight up, he’s like “sorry I don’t see a future with you”. His line of the season clearly is “I just don’t think my heart can get there”. At least he’s calling it out right away though. He says that she’s great, but she says “not great enough” apparently. Man. DANIELLE IMMA NEED YOU TO HAVE A LITTLE MORE SELF CONFIDENCE MMK?? She’s heartbroken and upset. She heads back to the Bimini house to pack up her stuff and WHERE IS HER BESTIE VANESSA? The girl is weeping and saying goodbye to everyone and her best friend is just nowhere to be found. Everyone is super shocked that she’s going home. Except Corinne. She didn’t really see them together anyway. Also Corinne would live in a shack with no diamonds for Nick. THAT’S TRUE LOVE, FOLKS.


So, everyone is reeling from Danielle’s departure and Corinne SNAPS into action. She starts to get ready for something and I can’t help but notice that she’s wearing a Kabbalah bracelet. If it was going to be anyone, I knew it would be her. I was about to ask if she was even old enough to remember the Kabbalah phase, but she and I are the same age. So. She heads over to Nick’s hotel room because she wants to get laid. She walks through the halls and is struggling. Seriously, the girl cannot walk in heels. She knocks on the door while Nick is having a nightcap and the two of them like drink some champagne then start making out and go into his bedroom. In her confessional, she coins her famous phrase, “My heart is gold, but my vajeen is platinum.” Get that checked out, Corinne. I hate listening to two people hooking up more than just about anything in the world and The Bachelor has subjected me to 21 seasons of it. We finally hear the whisper to end all whispers—Nick does not think that this is a good idea. He’s learned that it’s best to wait in these situations. Corinne leaves, tail between her uncoordinated legs, and says that she was trying to do something nice and very cute for Nick and it totally backfired. I feel like “nice and cute” are the exact wrong two words to describe what she tried to do. She slowly walks out of the hotel, but in true Corinne fashion, chooses not the door that automatically opens for her, but the manual door that everyone else avoids at all costs.


While Rachel gets ready for her date Corinne is “spinning out of control” because last night didn’t go according to plan. Rachel walks into the living room in the BEST maxi skirt. VANESSA IS STILL MISSING, THOUGH, IS NO ONE CONCERNED????????????????? Rachel heads out with Nick on the same date as Danielle, but this time they actually focus on where Nick and Danielle had drinks yesterday. They go to this little bar kinda place that apparently no tourists go to (not anymore, thanks ABC) and just chat about stuff. Nick is really nervous about asking for her hand in marriage when he knows that her parents will know that he’s asking the same question to 3 other families. Rachel says that she’s never brought a white guy home. They talk about her dad a little, which, if you watch the news, you know her dad is a federal judge so even I’m stressed for Nick about this hometown. I’m not sure what prompts it, but Rachel says, “I love sports, but I don’t play games.” SHE IS THE GOAT. They chat with a Bimini local and this guy tells her to make sure that this guy needs her, not just wants her. YES, RANDOM LOCAL, YOU GO ON WITH YOUR WISDOM. But also part of me is like, no one human should need another human so I’m torn… Anyway, Nick says that their relationship shot out like a cannon and has yet to slow down. They go and make out on a pier for a little while and that’s it! I’m sad that they had such a short date, but like, they are just the best, so if it were to happen to anyone, I’m glad it happened to them. We end even with enough time that it looks like we might even end this episode with a rose ceremony? COULD IT REALLY BE??


NOPE. IT CAN’T BE. Chris Harrison and Nick, who have a v natural chemistry, by the way, talk about what Nick wants to do because there’s only five women left—does he want to have a rose ceremony tonight? Nick says that he has a certain love for the woman that he knows he needs to send home, so he feels like he has to do it in person. Alright, alright, of all the reasons not to have a rose ceremony, this seems like a good one. He rushes into the Bimini house and OH, OH, WE FOUND VANESSA, THANK GOD. He immediately asks where Kristina is and takes her outside to talk. He says that he loves her, but just isn’t in love with her and it would take something extraordinary for him to get there. Honestly, this is one of the better breakups I’ve seen on this show, like I genuinely feel like I understand how both of them are feeling. Kristina straight up asks him if he’s starting to feel that with other people—he just says that his other relationships are further along. She doesn’t think that he gave her a fair chance, but she is happy to know that he’s going to find love. Nick seriously feels like he can’t be the person that he knows Kristina deserves. As the world knows, Kristina deserves THE WORLD, so I do respect him for not stringing her along. She is genuinely the greatest woman ever, I cannot wait to see what she does in this world. They say goodbye and Nick heads off and we fINALLY GET THE CRYING SHOT ON THE BALCONY. He wasn’t ready to let Kristina go, but he knew he had to. Damn.


NEXT WEEK ON THE BACHELOR: There might not be 4 hometowns! Andi Dorfman (they don’t say that officially, but girl has v recognizable legs) is going to confront Nick! And they end up in a cold place!



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