Anyone else just kinda over this season knowing who the Bachelorette is and without having someone like Corinne on with to project my anger? Love Raven and Vanessa, but especially with Nick’s DWTS announcement, y’all know he’s not engaged anymore. But we shall persevere and recap like our life depends on it. ONE MORE WEEK, GUYS! Then just a short wait until we see the greatest Bachelorette of all time, Rachel, take the reigns and show these men how it’s done. Previously on The Bachelor: Raven was hoping for fireworks. Yep, that’s truly it because IT WAS A HORRIBLY SHORT EPISODE. But Rachel and Vanessa are poised to face the arctic this week—as Chris Harrison says, “WHO WILL MELT NICK’S HEART?” Let’s find out!
Nick and Raven wake up and apparently had a nice time with each other. I’m slightly concerned for Nick’s spine as he has contorted his spinal column into a nearly non-human-like form while he and Raven sit on the bed. Raven says that last night meant a lot to her, being able to be alone with Nick “physically”, and that she’s pretty satisfied today. Mmk. She’s so satisfied that she gets to skip through the town of Lapland, Finland in an effort to show America that Nick Viall isn’t so bad in bed. Cool. It’s a weird super quick wrap up to Raven’s cool date. It should also be noted that Raven clearly got the best bedroom on her fantasy suite, the other two SUCK. You’ll see.
Rachel is up next and she’s frolicking through the forests of Finland saying that it looks like Narnia. IT SO DOES. She meets up with Nick and he says that they’re going to be cross-country skiing. Look, y’all. I don’t know if anyone has ever cross-country skied, I myself have only ever once done it, but it may be the most physically difficult thing that’s ever been done. Especially if it’s your first time doing it. Rachel says that she’s super athletic, but she sucks at cross-country skiing. YEAH. I THINK AMERICA NEEDS TO KNOW THE TRUTH—IT’S NOT AN EASY TASK. They end up at a place that has real, live reindeer, and I feel like we, as a society, just aren’t impressed with real reindeer anymore. Right? They go into this little hut with a fire and talk about her fear of rejection and for the first time in franchise history, the word “reciprocity” is used. Essentially, she’s scared of telling Nick how she feels and him not being able to reciprocate those feelings or even give her an indication of how he’s feeling. For Rachel, though, Nick is rare and refreshing—two things that make him a minority, even though, you know, he’s white. Lol. They head out onto this little sleigh being pulled by real reindeer (over it) and like this sleigh is just a bed? I feel like they could have invested in a more structured sleigh, but okay. They end up at this kinda bougie cabin thing and, again, talk about how scared Rachel is. In general, she doesn’t make decisions when she doesn’t know what the outcome is going to be. HARD SAME, RACH. For Nick, though, he likes knowing exactly where he stands. HARD SAME, NICK. Ah yes, a stalemate. Who shall crack first? Rachel, of course, she says that she’s falling in love with him and, surprise, he’s falling in love with her, too. It’s wonderful. Nick says that he wants Rachel to have the strength to be a bit of a mess sometimes, and I don’t think this is a great example of that because obviously she did everything super well and she may be the least “mess of a person” I’ve ever seen in my life, but I’m happy for them. She put her ego and hesitations aside and just let it all hang out. Go Rach. They head up to the fantasy suite that is potentially the tiniest room I’ve ever seen and Rachel says that she feels loved. GOOD, SHE DESERVES ONLY LOVE IN THIS WORLD. They wake up and Rachel is wearing the best penguin onesie because she is a star and then Nick makes eggs, but eats them all. They bid adieu and look decidedly more cozy leaving each other than he and Raven did the day before. Damnit, Nick Viall, why must you lead us on this way?!
For the final date of the week-that-spanned-two-weeks-and-two-full-hours-of-television, Vanessa finds Nick in the forest. Nick says that Vanessa has always been willing to have fun and get out of her comfort zone and that their physical relationship is hot and steamy. Gross. As a way to get the two of them out of their comfort zone more, Nick says that they’re going to be getting in an ice bath then running into a sauna and repeating that process a few times until finally they can hang out in a hot tub. Sounds fun. They get on their matching swimsuits and honestly neither of them are at all excited about this date. It’s pretty funny tbh. They run out of the sauna building thing into the cold and have to full on run down stairs that are laced with snow? Seriously how are these two not slipping and cracking their heads open??? I can’t have been the only one legitimately concerned for their safety. They get in the first time and last maaaaaaybe 2 seconds total before they have to run out and run back into the sauna. Vanessa physically folds in half while Nick does this weird dancing thing and I’m laughing my ass off. These dumb, dumb, full grown adults. They do this about 4 more times and Nick says that he loves that they can “face obstacles” together and finally they’re legally allowed to go in the hot tub. Then they just start this conversation basically about how Nick doesn’t love Vanessa’s family—he just flat out says “Oh, you’re family is suuuuuuper traditional and I am not at all”. What a helpful and friendly way to broach a conversation, Mr. Viall! He sorta explains himself and says that his first relationship ever was with a woman who was super close to her family and the family ended up being involved in just about everything they did and that became a major issue for them. Valid point. Vanessa says that they are traditional in that they have Sunday lunches every week and they have traditions that have been passed down through the generations—something Nick just isn’t familiar with. There are some things and some core values that Vanessa just is not willing to compromise on—one of them being those Sunday lunches. Every Sunday, when they live in Montreal, they’ll need to go to these 3 hour lunches with her family. I mean. Nick, rightfully, says that he thinks the two of them might be too similar—they’re both super stubborn and he thinks that in the future, that will probably cause some conflict in their relationship. Couldn’t agree more. We get out of the hot tub and head into the night, but not without Vanessa first saying that she believes that every relationship requires compromise. GURL, WUT, YOU LITERALLY JUST SAID YOU WON’T COMPROMISE. They head into this cute little teepee and even Vanessa says that all of their conversations are always really heavy. I think that’s it. I like Vanessa, I really do, but I don’t think we’ve seen her have fun since she puked. Is it weird that the most fun we’ve seen her have is when she’s VOMITTING? Nick backpedals his earlier statements a little and says that he didn’t mean to say that he doesn’t like Vanessa’s traditional family, it’s just new to him. He also just never imagined living in Canada and it’s not easy for him to picture it now. Brutally honest, you gotta give it up to him. They end up talking about their similarities again and Nick is worried about them, but Vanessa says that that’s exactly what she’s been looking for. They briefly touch on getting engaged and how, for Vanessa, being engaged is basically the same as being married, and she only wants to do that once. She knows it takes more than love to make a relationship work, too, but she does love him. I really do think he loves her, too, but I do not think they’re ready to get engaged. Prediction, but if Nick picks Raven, they’re def getting engaged, if he picks Vanessa, I have a feeling they’d wait. But who knows, really? Vanessa accepts the fantasy suite and they go into a third, less cool bedroom, and presumably get it on. Waking up, Vanessa has even more of an appreciation for who Nick is. Again, they part and look V cozy compared to him and Raven and she mentions again that they still don’t know where they’re going to live. I NEED Y’ALL TO FIGURE IT OUT BEFORE YOU COMMIT YOUR LIFE TO ONE ANOTHER.
It’s time for what feels like only the second rose ceremony of the entire season. Rachel can visualize a future with Nick and would be devastated to leave now. Raven can see herself engaged to Nick, but she’s worried that might just be a fantasy. And Vanessa? She thinks this is the best relationship she’s ever been in. That makes me sad. They go into this liiiiiitle, little cabin and Nick walks in—his fears have been overtaken by the love (!!!) he feels and saying goodbye to one woman tonight is going to be incredibly difficult. Congratulations to Raven and Vanessa. And BAI to Rachel! Guys. Rachel is going to be the best Bachelorette. And if she didn’t go this week, truly no one in America would have watched the finale. Nick walks Rachel out and tells her that she’s one of the most incredible woman he’s ever met and he hopes this isn’t goodbye forever. UGH. I mean, he clearly loved her the most of these three. Stupid Nick. She gets in the car and immediately puts on her seatbelt (SAFETY FIRST, YAHS, RACHEL) and says that it’s so hard to hear someone say how incredible you are and how much love they have for you and still not choose you. It’s the story of her life. I’M BROKEN.
Next week on the SEASON FINALE OF THE BACHELOR: who will Nick choose? Will he choose no one? WE’RE ONE WEEK CLOSER TO RACHEL AS THE BACHELORETTE YAHHHSSS!