Weekend Update Wednesdays 10/29/14

Taylor Swift’s new record “1989” released this week and it is already one of the top selling albums of the decade.While the album sales for 1989 are great, the haircuts definitely were not.

It was “National Cat Day” earlier this week, otherwise known as “Singles Awareness Day Pt. 2”.

It was “National Cat Day” earlier this week and cats all over the world celebrated by being unloving and hissing anytime someone got anywhere near them.

Halloween takes place later this week, but razor blades have been found to no longer be a hazard for children. Mostly because to get a razor blade you need to be a millionaire and you also need the patience to ask Craig, the eternally high Walgreens worker, if he remembers where the key to the razor section is.

Ebola is still, for some reason, a topic of conversation for Americans everywhere this week, perhaps because no illness has been so contagious since Bob Costas’ pink eye during the Winter Olympics.

This week, it was announced that the popular cinnamon whiskey “Fireball” was being recalled in some European countries because the liquor contained an ingredient also found in anti-freeze. We asked college students how they were taking the news and they simply responded by asking if anti-freeze was a quicker way to get wasted than Fireball.

Last week, a Chinese woman spent an entire week in KFC after she was dumped by her boyfriend. Apparently he didn’t want to “double down” on their relationship. (Sorry.)

Midterm elections take place next Tuesday, so please, don’t forget, if Rob Ford can get elected, anyone can. I’m talking to you, Clay Aiken.


Twitter Tuesdays 10/28/14

My tweet of the week goes to struggling up and coming comedian, John Mulaney! (I’m realizing now, some of you don’t know me, so, yes, I’m kidding.) Just as a refresher for the structure of Tuesday posts–I’m taking my favorite tweet of the week and writing an essay or sketch or anything creative and fictional based on the tweet. Here we go!


She was really excited and was getting ready for her date–he was supposed to be a super nice guy according to all the Google searches she had done as well as his general demeanor in their text conversations. They’d never met in person, because this is 2014, dammit, and no one ever meets another person in real life and especially one that they’d potentially want to date. It was 8:03, he was supposed to pick her up at 8, but given traffic and nerves, she thought she’d give him a ten minute window. Thinking about it, though, how weird was it that a guy actually wanted to pick her up? They live in a giant city and they also live kinda far from each other. It’s not every day that you hear about people actually being picked up for dates. Mostly people just meet up somewhere and hope to god they’re not the first person there.

Hmm, now she was wondering about how people used to date in the old days. It was pretty normal back then to get picked up from your date, and also, it seemed to be really clear what was and what was not a date in the olden days. Now, you’re lucky if a guy even says the words “I like you” because he’s mostly too busy saying you look great or you’re not like other girls he’s met and pretty much, in general, avoiding the topic of any kind of feelings. Also, she hadn’t been asked out really, but she had been asked to hang out more times than she could count in her life–was that one date with her friend in high school a date? GOOD GOD, LOVE IS SO CONFUSING. Or, no, I’m sorry, not love, but something resembling a fondness for one another.

She started thinking about arranged marriages then. How weird that in other countries, girls and guys were being set up by their parents and they hadn’t met and maybe they would hate each other, but no matter what they really thought of each other, they were about to get married and they had no option of getting divorced and good god why was she still thinking about this?! It did seem a little bit easier, though. The whole arranged marriage thing. Then she wouldn’t be waiting for this guy, and oh, god, now it’s 8:07, and maybe if someone had arranged her marriage, this whole stressful situation could have been avoided.

It’s just dinner, though, she thought. And if nothing else, she’ll most likely get a free drink and a free meal out of this. But if she could choose, uh, yeah, she’d definitely want a free drink and meal with her best friend–who was conveniently in a movie right now, so she couldn’t text her and tell her how much she was freaking out about this. Ugh, now she was super worried about small talk. “Where are you originally from? What do you do for a living? How many siblings do you have? What do you like to do for fun? If you could have dinner with anyone, living or dead who would it be?” QUITE HONESTLY IF THIS MAN DOESN’T GET THAT I COULDN’T CARE LESS ABOUT BOTH THOSE QUESTIONS AND THE ANSWERS TO THESE QUESTIONS, THEN HE DOESN’T GET ME AT ALL.

Okay, now it’s 8:09 and she just saw his headlights pull up to the curb and she’s sufficiently freaked out and definitely doesn’t want to die alone. But she also would like to be found sooner than 72 hours following her death, so she grabs her excessively expensive purse, flips her hair, and goes to meet this guy who will either be her husband or her ex-boyfriend.

Monologue Mondays 10/27/2014

The top story of the week, and perhaps the whole year, has to be that Taylor Swift released her new album today. It’s titled “1989” and her fans all over the world are wondering if even their parents are old enough to remember that year. What’s also crazy about the album, though, is that it is Taylor’s first official pop album. Most of the midwest, however, had been considering her Diet Coke commercials her “pop” albums, so an entire section of the country thinks this is actually her seventeenth pop album.

Just when we thought the Ebola scare was winding down, a doctor in New York City was diagnosed with Ebola. Just the night before he was diagnosed, though, he went bowling–so remember, kids, bring socks to wear with your rented bowling shoes! A nurse from New Jersey, however, is very upset she has recently been quarantined following her trip to West Africa and even stated that she felt her “basic human rights have been violated”. That very well may be, but when finding out that being quarantined meant you got to stay at home all day, have food brought to you, and you never had to change out of your pajamas, millions of Americans are now reportedly “not so scared about this whole Ebola thing”.

Benedict Cumberbatch made the headlines again this week with reports that he may be playing Doctor Strange in an upcoming Marvel Comics film. It’s still unclear if he’s accepted the role, but it’s also still unclear how and why we’re accepting “Benedict Cumberbatch” as a real and legitimate name.

Unbelievably, and this is absolutely true, we would not lie to you, Rob Ford has been elected to the Toronto City Council. We’re pretty sure, though, that he just heard the first syllable of “council”, thought he heard “cocaine”, and instantly signed up for anything at all. Ironically, his brother, Doug Ford, lost in the vote for Toronto’s mayor. It seems like the world finally has a glimpse into what the Ford household was like for them as a child–Rob constantly seeking attention and getting it, and Doug, being a normal, wonderful person, but losing every single time.

The new Avengers: Age of Ultron trailer premiered this week. The movie does not release until May 15, 2015, but ever since the Ice Bucket Challenge ended, the world needed something else to infect their Facebook news feeds, so Marvel felt like they could fill that void. The trailer features of young boy singing “I’ve Got No Strings” from Disney’s Pinocchio. An odd choice, some might say, but, yeah, absolutely it’s an incredibly odd choice.

We’re five games into the World Series with the San Francisco Giants leading the Kansas City Royals 3-2 in the series. The matchup has been much more competitive than anyone seems to have predicted, but honestly, Kansas City is just thankful Americans are remembering they exist as a city.

And finally tonight, TLC has cancelled “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” following claims that Mama June is now dating a known sex offender. TLC still seems fine, though, with “My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding” despite claims that the show is absolutely terrible and should definitely not be on the air.

Weekend Update Wednesday 10/22/14

Earlier this week, Taylor Swift accidentally released a song titled “Track 3” that was 8 seconds long and only played the sound of white noise. It quickly became the number one selling song in Canada and the most critically acclaimed song in her catalogue to date.

This week, SNL writer Leslie Jones was promoted to official cast member for the show. She was now also officially promoted to third in line to play Oprah behind Kenan and any other man of any other race.

Halloween is celebrated this weekend and when asked how excited he is about the holiday he is, Apparently Kid said, “Well, apparently, my parents are fundamental Christians, so, apparently, they’ll only let me go to church on Halloween, apparently.”

Renee Zellweger’s new look came under fire this week after she attended a charity event with a seemingly new face. When asked if she had a response, she just made a surprised face, which we are now being told is her only face from now on.

Well, we’re in our third week here of the ebola outbreak in the United States. According to Fox News, we are all currently dead and ebola is now our ruler.

British pop group of the late 90s, S Club 7, recently announced they will reunite for a charity event later this year and every girl, ages 20-26, FREAKED THE F OUT.

Michael Sam, the first openly gay player in the NFL, was cut from the Dallas Cowboys practice squad earlier this week. While he’s upset he got cut from the squad, he’s even more upset that the press WON’T STOP PUBLICIZING HIS FAULTS.

Halloween is just around the corner and surprisingly all the Frozen troll costumes are left on the shelf. Also still available for purchase are Nemo’s weird incontinent squid friend, and the hyena that wasn’t voiced by Whoopi Goldberg.

Pumpkin season is in full swing now according to females ages 11-24 and 43-52. Men, on the other hand, are celebrating “awkward pumpkin patch pictures” season by giving dead eyes in every photograph taken.

Earlier this month, Joe and Teresa Giudice of Real Housewives fame were convicted and both sentenced to time in federal prison. While, of course, this will be hard on their marriage and their children, prison tables seem to be taking the news the hardest.

Earlier this month, Joe and Teresa Giudice were sentenced to time in federal prison and when asked how she felt about it, Teresa just said that she was “very excited to finally get the opportunity to study yoga under Yoga Jones”. Joe could not be reached for comment.

Kim Kardashian celebrated her 34th birthday earlier this week, also known as her 8th anniversary as a born again fame whore.

Bruce Jenner is reportedly dating the long time friend of his separated wife Kris Jenner. Kris would be offended, but she’s still processing Bruce’s face lift.

Stephen Collins has recently been accused of sexual abuse. The former 7th Heaven pastor simply responded, “I’m a method actor”, but even Daniel Day Lewis was like, “Woah, man, cool it, Rev”.


God, I love creativity. I love music and podcasts and television and movies and everything in between. I feel privileged to be able to pursue something I love so dearly. Others are not that lucky. Others don’t love creativity. I do not fault them for this, but I can’t help but wonder what the difference between us really is. Yesterday, I watched the impassioned speech Emma Watson gave to the United Nations regarding feminism and the need to change the connotation of the word–I will not comment on the subject now. I may at a future date, but I have a lot of feelings on the subject that are personal to me and would seemingly be cheapened by sharing them with the world. She did mention, though, several people in her life that were “inadvertent feminists”. These were people who told her she could do whatever she wanted or supported her in many ways in spite of, and perhaps even because of, her gender.

I have had people like this in my life, though they have been “inadvertent creatives”. These are the people who taught me that I was funny. These are the people who taught me to care about my grammar. These are the people who taught me that anything I wanted to do was attainable–I just had to pick what I wanted to do. This is an immense privilege. I fully realize how spoiled I am in my life. There are dozens and dozens of people who have done this for me, whether or not they know this. Why was I so spoiled, though? Why have I been afforded these opportunities? There are millions of people more deserving than me, and yet, I got this privilege. I take this for granted–I realize that–but I’m a human, and I am flawed, and I am often immature. Please don’t fault me for that. We’re all a little like that sometimes.


I was working last night. I work at a small improv theatre right in the heart of Hollywood–that sentence alone is evidence of the amount of creativity in my life and the lengths to which I will go to seek out that creativity. The group performing that night was full of people who were doing it merely for fun–they are not professionals, though some hope to be, and they even pay just for the opportunity to perform. These people must love creativity to some extent, or they wouldn’t sacrifice their time or money to perform for a very small audience entirely made up of people they, themselves, have invited. I have had endless experiences with being able to display my creativity. It started in fourth grade when I told my mom that I wanted to be a part of a 500 person youth choir. I had never really sung before that–I’m not kidding. This creative streak took me to places I never thought I’d go–I joined a children’s choir and was whisked away to perform at places like Carnegie Hall, St. Peter’s Basilica, and everywhere in between. The percentage of people, let alone children, that get to do this, is so, so miniscule. I, of course, knew it was a really cool thing to be a part of, but I’ve been thinking a lot about just how many experiences like this I’ve had. I went to high school and the first time I auditioned for the small show choir, I got in, and was able to perform dozens of times a year for so many people. The very first time I auditioned for a musical, I got a callback. I didn’t get the part, mind you, but still, I was fourteen years old and that’s dumb that I didn’t have to work that hard at the beginning. I was asked to write for my high school’s parody sketch show my senior year–after months of hard work, I was then asked to direct the production. I auditioned for eight universities for music programs, and I was only admitted to four of eight, but two of those four were the only two schools I was actually considering–they are the top two schools in the country for the program in which I was interested. I went to college and got to perform for incredible people and I got to sing with incredible people and I would never in a million years change the musical experiences I had in college. My sophomore year, I applied to write for my college’s sketch parody show, and I got that position. Junior year, I applied to direct that same production and I got that opportunity. Then, with some people who are even more creative than me, I created and wrote a news parody program for my school. Then, I moved to Los Angeles to pursue a career in comedy writing.

I do not say these things to brag, though, I absolutely know that people will view it as that. Through every single one of those experiences, I got to perform and display my creativity to people who were not just there because I asked them to be there–yes, there were people there because I did ask them to support me–but, there were also tons of people there because they wanted to be there. They supported creativity, and therefore, they supported me.


I will never forget the discomfort in my cheeks that I felt after directing my college’s sketch parody show. I never stopped smiling. We sold out two shows. I brought a new life to a program that had been around for years, but I changed some things and I was immensely proud.

Honestly, how did I get so lucky? And why do some people, like those I witnessed performing last night just because they want to, not get the audience and support I’ve been granted?

A lot of it has to be luck. But, I also can’t discount the hundreds and hundreds of hours I’ve put in to make my creativity better and more relatable.


Look, I don’t have an answer for this, but I suppose this post is just a way to say thank you. And I hope I can support someone as much as I have been supported.

Weird Day

I live in an apartment building that is currently undergoing construction. The actual apartments are pretty nice, but all the common spaces and the actual outside of the building looks horrible. Imagine a Spanish style home, but if it were made with balsa wood and papier-mâché and painted with a color probably named “orangina” or “it’s fine”. I am woken most days promptly at seven a.m. when it seems the construction crew is double-dutching directly above my bedroom. This morning, though, I wasn’t jostled from my sleep until about eight–the first weird thing.


I slowly rose from my bed and went on Facebook. My brother and I were releasing an EP that we’d recently finished and I was certainly ready for the world to hear what we’ve been working on. I invited my friends to the EP’s release, made a witty status that is, at this point, still underappreciated, and went to cook some breakfast. All normal things so far. Then I went to do the dishes and clean up the kitchen a little bit. I turn to my right and casually flick to the hot water on. Imagine the fake sound humans make when they are trying to represent gushing water–that is the sound my kitchen faucet made. That sound in no way is a good sign. I run to the bathroom, “Maybe this is just a kitchen thing?”, I think. NO. It’s not. I’d already put my towel in the bathroom. I needed to shower this morning. No water was to be found.

I did not handle this well. I was immediately anxious. It was nine a.m., I needed to shower now if I were to keep my incredibly leisurely schedule of being ready to leave the apartment at 11:30. Let it be known, I do not actually take this long to get ready, it is more a reflection of how much time I waste when getting ready.

So, I call the property manager, Genesis* (*name has not been changed), and there is no answer. GENESIS, WHERE ARE YOU, WHY CAN I NOT SHOWER AT AN ABNORMALLY SLOW PACE?! So, I call my apartment management office. They tell me to call Genesis. I call Genesis. Genesis still does not answer. I call my apartment management office. They call Genesis. They call me. They tell me the water is out for the next few hours. OH, UH, OKAY. Second weird thing.


Well, I eventually make it out the apartment, having showered, because apparently god smiles on the unwashed, and I head down Olive Ave. in Burbank. My drive to work includes beautiful sights including Warner Brothers Studios and a moving velociraptor. WHAT. YES, THERE WAS A MOVING, ANIMATRONIC VELOCIRAPTOR ON OLIVE AVE. It was slightly in the road so it was not only visually distracting, but I had to deal with the anxiety of potentially killing off an animal that has been extinct for millions of years. Talk about stressful. Third weird thing.


I pull up to where I work. Suddenly I hit an obstacle. Some demon has parked directly in front of our driveway. Why, you ask? Oh, probably because the devil has taken hold and he wants to prevent everyone from any sense of punctuality. Fourth weird thing.


I get an email from my brother and he sends me a lead for a job that I desperately need. I email this person right away, which is weird since I’m doing it from my internship, but does not make my list of weird things today. I get an email in response pretty hastily and I schedule a call for later today. Fifth weird thing is that this person has a name I’m unsure of how to pronounce. Is this a test? Will I only be hired if I’m able to pronounce it correctly?


I’m walking into my building after parking. A squirrel throws a nut at me. Sixth weird thing.


I get home, grab my purse, run back to the car because my friend and I are getting chicken and waffles for dinner. AMAZING. I get a call from a friend who I haven’t talked to in a little while and she’s also on the other side of the country, but she has a job lead for me. It’s a job that people would remove their left arm for, were both arms not needed for the job. There’s maybe a 1% chance I’ll get this job, but this morning, there was a 0% chance I’d get this job. Seventh weird thing.


I go to a delicious dinner, drive home, and am ready to snuggle up on the couch, watch some bad television, write, make some cookies, drink some coffee. I grab the handle on the door to my apartment. It does not open. I try about fifteen more times. There is a woman on the sidewalk who believes I am a clinically insane individual and have no right to be at this building, let alone inside of it. A man walks up. We share the experience of being locked out of our own apartment building. There is no one to call. As we know, Genesis doesn’t even answer during business hours. THANKS, GENESIS. The construction crew that is generally ruining my life is preventing me from my cookies. A couple walks up and tries the door, as well. All four of us stand and stare at the door and reminisce about the good times had in our apartments which we pay for. Suddenly, a gift from god. A man who does not speak English, but does have a tiny yorkie who he needs to walk, swings the door open and we are granted our wish. Eighth weird thing.


Weird day.