Weekend Update Wednesdays 10/29/14

Taylor Swift’s new record “1989” released this week and it is already one of the top selling albums of the decade.While the album sales for 1989 are great, the haircuts definitely were not.

It was “National Cat Day” earlier this week, otherwise known as “Singles Awareness Day Pt. 2”.

It was “National Cat Day” earlier this week and cats all over the world celebrated by being unloving and hissing anytime someone got anywhere near them.

Halloween takes place later this week, but razor blades have been found to no longer be a hazard for children. Mostly because to get a razor blade you need to be a millionaire and you also need the patience to ask Craig, the eternally high Walgreens worker, if he remembers where the key to the razor section is.

Ebola is still, for some reason, a topic of conversation for Americans everywhere this week, perhaps because no illness has been so contagious since Bob Costas’ pink eye during the Winter Olympics.

This week, it was announced that the popular cinnamon whiskey “Fireball” was being recalled in some European countries because the liquor contained an ingredient also found in anti-freeze. We asked college students how they were taking the news and they simply responded by asking if anti-freeze was a quicker way to get wasted than Fireball.

Last week, a Chinese woman spent an entire week in KFC after she was dumped by her boyfriend. Apparently he didn’t want to “double down” on their relationship. (Sorry.)

Midterm elections take place next Tuesday, so please, don’t forget, if Rob Ford can get elected, anyone can. I’m talking to you, Clay Aiken.

Monologue Mondays 10/27/2014

The top story of the week, and perhaps the whole year, has to be that Taylor Swift released her new album today. It’s titled “1989” and her fans all over the world are wondering if even their parents are old enough to remember that year. What’s also crazy about the album, though, is that it is Taylor’s first official pop album. Most of the midwest, however, had been considering her Diet Coke commercials her “pop” albums, so an entire section of the country thinks this is actually her seventeenth pop album.

Just when we thought the Ebola scare was winding down, a doctor in New York City was diagnosed with Ebola. Just the night before he was diagnosed, though, he went bowling–so remember, kids, bring socks to wear with your rented bowling shoes! A nurse from New Jersey, however, is very upset she has recently been quarantined following her trip to West Africa and even stated that she felt her “basic human rights have been violated”. That very well may be, but when finding out that being quarantined meant you got to stay at home all day, have food brought to you, and you never had to change out of your pajamas, millions of Americans are now reportedly “not so scared about this whole Ebola thing”.

Benedict Cumberbatch made the headlines again this week with reports that he may be playing Doctor Strange in an upcoming Marvel Comics film. It’s still unclear if he’s accepted the role, but it’s also still unclear how and why we’re accepting “Benedict Cumberbatch” as a real and legitimate name.

Unbelievably, and this is absolutely true, we would not lie to you, Rob Ford has been elected to the Toronto City Council. We’re pretty sure, though, that he just heard the first syllable of “council”, thought he heard “cocaine”, and instantly signed up for anything at all. Ironically, his brother, Doug Ford, lost in the vote for Toronto’s mayor. It seems like the world finally has a glimpse into what the Ford household was like for them as a child–Rob constantly seeking attention and getting it, and Doug, being a normal, wonderful person, but losing every single time.

The new Avengers: Age of Ultron trailer premiered this week. The movie does not release until May 15, 2015, but ever since the Ice Bucket Challenge ended, the world needed something else to infect their Facebook news feeds, so Marvel felt like they could fill that void. The trailer features of young boy singing “I’ve Got No Strings” from Disney’s Pinocchio. An odd choice, some might say, but, yeah, absolutely it’s an incredibly odd choice.

We’re five games into the World Series with the San Francisco Giants leading the Kansas City Royals 3-2 in the series. The matchup has been much more competitive than anyone seems to have predicted, but honestly, Kansas City is just thankful Americans are remembering they exist as a city.

And finally tonight, TLC has cancelled “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” following claims that Mama June is now dating a known sex offender. TLC still seems fine, though, with “My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding” despite claims that the show is absolutely terrible and should definitely not be on the air.