Weekend Update Wednesdays 10/29/14

Taylor Swift’s new record “1989” released this week and it is already one of the top selling albums of the decade.While the album sales for 1989 are great, the haircuts definitely were not.

It was “National Cat Day” earlier this week, otherwise known as “Singles Awareness Day Pt. 2”.

It was “National Cat Day” earlier this week and cats all over the world celebrated by being unloving and hissing anytime someone got anywhere near them.

Halloween takes place later this week, but razor blades have been found to no longer be a hazard for children. Mostly because to get a razor blade you need to be a millionaire and you also need the patience to ask Craig, the eternally high Walgreens worker, if he remembers where the key to the razor section is.

Ebola is still, for some reason, a topic of conversation for Americans everywhere this week, perhaps because no illness has been so contagious since Bob Costas’ pink eye during the Winter Olympics.

This week, it was announced that the popular cinnamon whiskey “Fireball” was being recalled in some European countries because the liquor contained an ingredient also found in anti-freeze. We asked college students how they were taking the news and they simply responded by asking if anti-freeze was a quicker way to get wasted than Fireball.

Last week, a Chinese woman spent an entire week in KFC after she was dumped by her boyfriend. Apparently he didn’t want to “double down” on their relationship. (Sorry.)

Midterm elections take place next Tuesday, so please, don’t forget, if Rob Ford can get elected, anyone can. I’m talking to you, Clay Aiken.

Monologue Mondays 10/27/2014

The top story of the week, and perhaps the whole year, has to be that Taylor Swift released her new album today. It’s titled “1989” and her fans all over the world are wondering if even their parents are old enough to remember that year. What’s also crazy about the album, though, is that it is Taylor’s first official pop album. Most of the midwest, however, had been considering her Diet Coke commercials her “pop” albums, so an entire section of the country thinks this is actually her seventeenth pop album.

Just when we thought the Ebola scare was winding down, a doctor in New York City was diagnosed with Ebola. Just the night before he was diagnosed, though, he went bowling–so remember, kids, bring socks to wear with your rented bowling shoes! A nurse from New Jersey, however, is very upset she has recently been quarantined following her trip to West Africa and even stated that she felt her “basic human rights have been violated”. That very well may be, but when finding out that being quarantined meant you got to stay at home all day, have food brought to you, and you never had to change out of your pajamas, millions of Americans are now reportedly “not so scared about this whole Ebola thing”.

Benedict Cumberbatch made the headlines again this week with reports that he may be playing Doctor Strange in an upcoming Marvel Comics film. It’s still unclear if he’s accepted the role, but it’s also still unclear how and why we’re accepting “Benedict Cumberbatch” as a real and legitimate name.

Unbelievably, and this is absolutely true, we would not lie to you, Rob Ford has been elected to the Toronto City Council. We’re pretty sure, though, that he just heard the first syllable of “council”, thought he heard “cocaine”, and instantly signed up for anything at all. Ironically, his brother, Doug Ford, lost in the vote for Toronto’s mayor. It seems like the world finally has a glimpse into what the Ford household was like for them as a child–Rob constantly seeking attention and getting it, and Doug, being a normal, wonderful person, but losing every single time.

The new Avengers: Age of Ultron trailer premiered this week. The movie does not release until May 15, 2015, but ever since the Ice Bucket Challenge ended, the world needed something else to infect their Facebook news feeds, so Marvel felt like they could fill that void. The trailer features of young boy singing “I’ve Got No Strings” from Disney’s Pinocchio. An odd choice, some might say, but, yeah, absolutely it’s an incredibly odd choice.

We’re five games into the World Series with the San Francisco Giants leading the Kansas City Royals 3-2 in the series. The matchup has been much more competitive than anyone seems to have predicted, but honestly, Kansas City is just thankful Americans are remembering they exist as a city.

And finally tonight, TLC has cancelled “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” following claims that Mama June is now dating a known sex offender. TLC still seems fine, though, with “My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding” despite claims that the show is absolutely terrible and should definitely not be on the air.

Weekend Update Wednesday 10/22/14

Earlier this week, Taylor Swift accidentally released a song titled “Track 3” that was 8 seconds long and only played the sound of white noise. It quickly became the number one selling song in Canada and the most critically acclaimed song in her catalogue to date.

This week, SNL writer Leslie Jones was promoted to official cast member for the show. She was now also officially promoted to third in line to play Oprah behind Kenan and any other man of any other race.

Halloween is celebrated this weekend and when asked how excited he is about the holiday he is, Apparently Kid said, “Well, apparently, my parents are fundamental Christians, so, apparently, they’ll only let me go to church on Halloween, apparently.”

Renee Zellweger’s new look came under fire this week after she attended a charity event with a seemingly new face. When asked if she had a response, she just made a surprised face, which we are now being told is her only face from now on.

Well, we’re in our third week here of the ebola outbreak in the United States. According to Fox News, we are all currently dead and ebola is now our ruler.

British pop group of the late 90s, S Club 7, recently announced they will reunite for a charity event later this year and every girl, ages 20-26, FREAKED THE F OUT.

Michael Sam, the first openly gay player in the NFL, was cut from the Dallas Cowboys practice squad earlier this week. While he’s upset he got cut from the squad, he’s even more upset that the press WON’T STOP PUBLICIZING HIS FAULTS.

Halloween is just around the corner and surprisingly all the Frozen troll costumes are left on the shelf. Also still available for purchase are Nemo’s weird incontinent squid friend, and the hyena that wasn’t voiced by Whoopi Goldberg.

Pumpkin season is in full swing now according to females ages 11-24 and 43-52. Men, on the other hand, are celebrating “awkward pumpkin patch pictures” season by giving dead eyes in every photograph taken.

Earlier this month, Joe and Teresa Giudice of Real Housewives fame were convicted and both sentenced to time in federal prison. While, of course, this will be hard on their marriage and their children, prison tables seem to be taking the news the hardest.

Earlier this month, Joe and Teresa Giudice were sentenced to time in federal prison and when asked how she felt about it, Teresa just said that she was “very excited to finally get the opportunity to study yoga under Yoga Jones”. Joe could not be reached for comment.

Kim Kardashian celebrated her 34th birthday earlier this week, also known as her 8th anniversary as a born again fame whore.

Bruce Jenner is reportedly dating the long time friend of his separated wife Kris Jenner. Kris would be offended, but she’s still processing Bruce’s face lift.

Stephen Collins has recently been accused of sexual abuse. The former 7th Heaven pastor simply responded, “I’m a method actor”, but even Daniel Day Lewis was like, “Woah, man, cool it, Rev”.